Attention Negligent Dog Owners

Hey there!

It’s been awhile since we last had a chance to chat. Unfortunately, my plea fell on deaf ears, as your dogs have roamed free like the canine version of The Road Warrior. It’s not fun being chased like a human Beggin’ Strip, and I’m sure that you’d feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

So I am here to provide a refresher. Maybe this time it will sink in.

This:

Goes on:

This:

Goes on:

I know that the average human attention span has decreased with the advent of television and the internet. After all, who can say no to The Bachelor and cute cat videos? I can. And there is a new-found need to let children and domesticated animals find themselves and be free spirits — you know, hippie crap. But there needs to be a responsibility to look out for the safety of others.

I honestly don’t know what it will take at this point for the message to get through. Does the NFL have to air a pro-leash commercial during the Super Bowl? Does cranky old man General Larry Platt have to perform “Leash on Your Dog”  on American Idol? Does Oprah have to have a very special episode on not being a dink?

"Leash on your dog, Leash on your dog/Don't be an asshole, Put a leash on your dog"

If it’s not becoming clear, let me put it in the words of How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson: “get your head out of your ass. Letting your dog run loose is asking for trouble. Sure, he or she may seem to be the sweetest thing ever, and yeah, they may tolerate you giving them kisses, but they are animals. Who knows when they will become frightened or agitated and attack someone? Hey, maybe that baby had it coming. (Perhaps the dog has built-in Precrime and a unique sense of justice.)

But when the time comes, will you shrug it off as the dog “being a dog?” Will you only then realize the consequences of letting your dog run wild? I can only hope that it doesn’t take a tragedy for you to realize the error of your ways — like hurricane Katrina or The Jay Leno Show.

So, to summarize:

This:

Goes on:

Don’t make General Larry Pratt make another television appearance to shake his fist about this issue.

Guns Etc.

The “Etc.,” you ask? Unicorns, of course.

Fantasies and Futons?

Whatever fantasy takes place on a futon is the saddest one in human history.

Judging on the store closing, others agree.

Spring has Sprung At…

Never mind that there is two months before spring, for cash loans won’t wait for the calendar!

Speaking of impatience, don’t pass up:

Discount sales! Get a bargain at the expense of people selling off items to stay afloat!

Also soaring when thrift shopping: exclusion!

The Chandler Pawn Center: No Torah or Buddha believers browsin’ our aisles, damn it!

Resident approved.

Unload firearms before entering.

The Wine of Douchebags

Hey there, jerk-stores, ass-bags and douche-buckets! Need to get your crunk on and want to look all fancy-like? Want to romance your lady with the nectar of roid-ragers and New Jersey stereotypes? Like to accessorize your alcohol with your water, t-shirts, car seats and air fresheners? Your booze ship has docked at the port!

Nothing compliments a night on the Jersey Shore like the crisp, metal-tinged bite of Ed Hardy Wine, perfect for dousing women with daddy issues and fueling violent outbursts that will lead to jail.

Your bottle service will be served with an extra heaping of tacky. House parties, nights on the town and barbecues will become that much more regrettable thanks to the malt liquor aftertaste of Ed Hardy Wine. And best of all, the scratch-and-sniff labels smell like AXE body spray — just like you!

Ed Hardy Wine:

Also goes great with the Ed Hardy Coffee Traveler Cup. Get your buzz on any time of the day!

Dear Conan

Dear Mr. O’Brien,

My name is Trevor, and I am a longtime fan of your comedy. I felt that with recent events, I needed to write to you.

For more than 20 years, I’ve watched you ascend from the writer’s room of sketch-comedy mainstay Saturday Night Live to hosting one of the most prestigious shows on television, the Tonight Show. Along the way, you crafted some of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons, hosted the wry, brilliantly smart and absurd late night talk show, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and lent your writing skills to The Simpsons Movie.

Your talents may have been hidden behind a self-depreciating sense of humor and awkward, aw-shucks expression, but you couldn’t hide the truth. Your intelligence, dedication to your craft, work ethic and upstanding treatment of your peers, show guests, staff members and employers has been admirable to a generation of television viewers appreciative of post-modern comedy.

Along the way, you made an impression on an introverted teenager trying to find his voice. You inspired me to not only write and love writing, but to tap into a well of satirical, goofy humor hidden to most behind a shy veneer. You helped me to transmit my thoughts to paper and keyboard, and I can credit my love of comedy, my education and writing career path to you.

I know that your run of hosting of the Tonight Show was brief, but you brought a refreshingly smart, daffy and honest energy to the show that had been missing since the late Johnny Carson.There was a true sense of admiration for the position you held, and your love for the show and format was exciting to see — the few times that I did.

In a way, my writing you is part guilt, for I did not watch your broadcasts as much as I should have. I can say that I was in bed by 10 p.m., 35 minutes before your broadcast, but as a fan, I feel that I let you down.  It’s bittersweet that we often realize what we have lost after the fact, and it took a network programming mess and pending show shakeup to remind me of what I had taken for granted.

Wherever you end up taking your show, or if you decide to retire from hosting duties to pursue other opportunities, please know that you will always have a fan in me. And I will not take you or your efforts for granted again.

I don’t know if this letter will ever find you, but I hope that its spirit transmits to you in some form. Until you grace the television screens once more, keep cool, Coco.

Your fan,

Trevor

My Lonely Island

Two goals of mine that surprise some people are my desires to be married and have a family — with the latter happening if the former didn’t pan out. The shock may come from the fact that I’m a reserved person, that I’m a man, or even that good ol’ stereotypical chestnut of black men not being family-oriented — thanks to the amount of African-American single mothers and TV shows depicting lack of  male accountability (That’s My Mama, What’s Happening, Homeboys in Outer Space).

But yeah, my biggest dreams in life involve a wife and kids. It seems normal to me, though maybe not those around me; At the age of 10, I was passing out invitations around my house to my wedding to my fourth-grade crush — who I had courted in my mind for about 3 months. My knowledge of married life came from what I observed from my mom and dad, and they seemed to like each other, so I wanted that. Never mind that I didn’t know the hard work, communication and stress that went into it. Married life seemed peachy keen, and it felt all but inevitable for me.

Then I got older. I experienced the horrors of junior high and high school. I experienced humiliation, alienation, loneliness and despair that I still cope with today. I started breaking away emotionally from people, wanting to be on my own.

And then I experienced dating.

Dating was a lot tougher, less fun and more depressing than I ever thought it would be. My childhood knowledge of dating was from TV, and that it was a straight path to the wedding aisle. Little did I know that most relationships  dissolve, and that more than one of two marriages end in divorce — something I was experiencing in my personal life.

I got a late start in the dating game thanks to low self-esteem and lack of confidence, and my limited experience in conjunction with uncertainty and disrespect grounded my attempts to form bonds with girls — mostly through self-sabotage. The long gaps between dates were self-imposed “hiatuses,” convincing myself that I would focus on school to get done ASAP and not look back, to get my working career off the ground, to get settled into a new home and state.

But what I was running from was being vulnerable, avoiding opening myself up to letting someone in. And I wanted to let someone in in the worst way possible. I wanted that end result. I still didn’t know what that goal entailed or about maintaining it. I knew in my heart that it would sate that thirst, fill that empty void.

In 2006, I pulled myself off of the sidelines — another term I often used when being on dating hiatus — and hit the dating scene hard. I put my profile on several dating websites and went on more dates in 9 months than I had in my 26 years combined. And every single bond petered out after one or two dates. I vowed that I would find the one — somehow, some way.

And then I fell in love. And then I suffered heartbreak.

I had been in love before, or so I thought. And I felt heartbreak before — plenty of times. But placing my heart in someone else’s hands that I felt was The One, willing myself into thinking that she was The One — The One I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, have kids with, hold, hold hands and cuddle with — exposed myself bare, letting them have control over my emotional makeup.

And like most relationships, it ended. And I was emotionally shattered.

I retreated back to the sidelines, vowing that it would be temporary. And then I got up and hit the dating ground running. Never mind the caliber of person; I would get over that hurt. Little did I know it, but I was still wearing the bandages from the scars. That tiny plot of land around my sidelines had grown, expanded and broke away, finding water to make it harder to reach; walls sprouted from the ground and climbed high until I couldn’t see what was around me. I was adrift at sea, and every visitor eventually ran for the nearest emergency raft.

What I didn’t expect from my emotional exile was an inordinate amount of introspection into my life and actions. I grew up and became less selfish. And it gave me new insight into those two goals that I long wanted. I finally learned that having that wife and kids would come from making myself vulnerable to the possibilities of love or agony and all of the responsibilities and emotional endurance that it would require.

But what about the self-esteem and confidence? I can’t say. We all have our barriers of baggage that we bring into relationships, and I’m trying to tear mine down. But I’m slowly paddling my island back to the mainland, and maybe someone will find a bridge to me.

Solutions to NBC’s Late Night Mess

If you are emerging from a cave or a nearby Amish community, you might be under assault by the news and rumors about television network NBC’s late night shakeup. Because the Jay Leno Show performed poorly in it’s 10 p.m. (9 p.m. Central) time slot, NBC executives are canceling the show to please the network affiliates. No big deal, right? Well, said executives plan to move Leno back to his original time slot that he occupied at 11:35 p.m. as former host of the Tonight Show. Seems like a solid plan to boost ratings, eh? Try telling that to the 11:35 p.m. time-slot occupant, current Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien.

In summary, an ill-conceived plan to let Leno and O’Brien share the stage — Leno at 11:35 p.m., O’Brien at 12:05 a.m. for an hour — backfired on NBC. O’Brien refusing to sully the Tonight Show brand. And Leno alleges that he is upset about the network’s treatment of he and his buddy (you know, that buddy that you take advantage of, sleep with his girlfriend and piss on his bathroom walls) O’Brien, and may leave the network. This could put the fledgling network up the creek without a paddle.

NBC's executive office at 30 Rockerfeller Plaza

In light of the quagmire that is NBC’s late night lineup and potentially not having a host for their 11:35 p.m. anchor, Diary of a Genial Black Man (or DOAGBM, as the tweens tweet between their LOLs) has a few ideas for filling the gap. These mind-creations are from my brain bubble and may screw over other long-time NBC employees in the process. In other words, they could come from the minds of NBC execs. After all, would you want Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly assuming the role? I didn’t think so.

• Law and Order: Late Night (NOTE: This was written before knowledge of Letterman and O’Brien’s Law and Order late night spoofs)

In an effort to finally franchise the long-running Law and Order series, NBC taps into the seedy underbelly of sordid after-hour activities with this nighttime crime comedy. In keeping with tradition of using long-exhausted rappers and actors in lead roles, Sir Mix-a-Lot and Bill Paxton team up to keep Los Angeles free from boredom. Sultry DEA agent Fran Drescher adds spice to an explosive comedy duo with her donkey-like laugh, and TV’s Paula Abdul stumbles literally onto monologue landmines. Only on NBC.

Sir Mix-a-Lot and the Law and Order girls: Law and Order.

• The Apprentice at Night
  

Wonder what Donald Trump does when he’s fired his last employee for the day and unfeathers his comb-over? Well wonder no more, person in need of a life! This reality-cum-survival comedy show is a behind-the-scenes look at The Donald on the late-night prowl. Watch “The Donald” tell stilted, uncomfortable jokes in front of a live audience! See “The Donald” interact with B-list celebrities with the flexibility of a deep-fried mummy! Peer through each individual strand of hair clinging to life on “The Donald’s” head and see that done shine in HD! Watch “The Donald” alienate his viewers and family members with his natural charisma via head-mounted camera! All this and more on Apprentice After Dark: you’ll be fired… up with laughter! Only on NBC.

• Jay Leno’s Cars (sponsored by Taco Bell)
  

Just because Leno may allegedly leave NBC, that doesn’t mean that Leno’s possessions aren’t up for grabs! In a shrewd contract clause placed pre-Jay Leno Show, NBC is obligated to film Leno’s custom car collection for one hour, five nights a week.

Sounds hilarious, right? It gets better! Watch for Leno to make guest appearances as he pops up in and out of frame — and he may throw a passive-aggressive tantrum at the cameraman if he doesn’t profile the cars right! Leno’s (former) bandleader Kevin Eubanks, bound to his slavemaster until the grave, chuckles at heavy-handed jokes and awkward pauses, occasionally making a phone gesture with his hand in a last-ditch effort for his freedom. You’ll delight at the roar of engines — and laughter! Only on NBC.

• Friends After Dark

Remember that ’90s NBC show Friends? What better way to remind viewers of NBC’s good times and draw ratings to their late night programming than by having five of the six funniest fictional characters of New York City? (Courtney Cox Arquette is gainfully employed on Cougar Town.) Join Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer in reminiscing about when the economy was good and the Counting Crows were a great rock band (Aniston knows!).

Drink in the nostalgic goodness, America!

Hear the sordid behind-the-scenes details of that one time when “The Aniston” hairdo was still a hair-do! Laugh uncomfortably as Matthew Perry recalls how he worked while high out of his mind! Recall that one about Matt LeBlanc saying something Italian-like! With the set of Central Perk as a backdrop and co-starring TV’s Fran Drescher as Monica Gellar, you’ll laugh, pause and laugh some more! Only on… you know.

• The Jay Leno Memories

Old people and the comedically challenged may mourn the loss of Leno on their magic talking boxes, but NBC can bring them the next-best thing: Leno soundbites! Baby boomers will be able to nod off to sleep once more, thanks to the white noise of classic Leno monologues — delivered through a static image of Leno’s face with moving lips to simulate humanness. Catch the latest news on O.J Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Michael Jackson and Bill Clinton while drifting off to slumberland — sprinkled with forced chuckles from indentured servant Kevin Eubanks. Best of all, it’s cheap to produce — because NBC is concerned about costs! Only on… yeah.

Jay Leno, about to make a Kenneth Starr joke.

So cheer up, America! Just because NBC’s late night lineup is shakier than a drunk Mariah Carey during awards season, that doesn’t mean that the problems can’t be solved. And they sure as sugar will be with the NBC execs at the helm. After all, it is nearly impossible to mess up something that works well, right? RIGHT?

KFC So Racist!

Despite the stereotype that African-Americans love them some fried chicken, the majority of customers of Kentucky Fried Chicken (or KFC, for you hipsters) are most likely of the Caucasian persuasion. Common sense dictates that this is the case because America is still the land of Caucasia, a fact that is lost on KFC’s global marketing staffs in how they advertise their product.

In this first example, Australian viewers are treated to a white person’s — and KFC’s by proxy — opinion of the preference for fried chicken by those of West Indian descent. Set your faces to stunned!

Yeah. The charming accent don’t erase racism, douchebucket.

Oh, and speaking of accents, KFC doesn’t think much of Asians as well. Remember their huge marketing push for Kentucky Grilled Chicken? The original commercial was like a visual version of “one of these things is not like the other.” See what that one thing is here:

I personally can’t wait for the next big product from KFC. Maybe their Triple Down sandwich — which I assume is under production after the stunning masterpiece/heart attack known as the Double Down — can contain three fried chicken breasts and a heaping side of Muslim hatred. Till that fertile ground, KFC!

Things I Learned for Christmas

The December holidays are a time that many people dread; spending time with family is a common stressor. While visiting home for the holidays triggers some stress-induced feelings and eye-rolling over holiday habits people hold dear (people decorating their cars like reindeer are on my list to avoid), I like spending time with my loved ones and exploring my hometown of Chicago (technically, I grew up in the Western suburbs of the city).

Every time I am home, I learn a few things that give me insight into my personality. And this recent visit was no different. Here are a few things that I learned:

• Watching Two and a Half Men makes me physically uncomfortable.

I mock this popular sitcom a lot, as do many that like their humor with wit and edge, but I never tried sitting through an episode. My mom is a fan, and I finally watched it in an effort to be a good son. Oh, it was an effort. Viewing the hackneyed acting and dopey dialogue,  I winced, squirmed and felt like I was watching a puppy being punched — and that was in the first 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I did not feel well — heck, I felt like the 2 Girls, 1 Cup ladies watching it. And I admitted to my mom that I couldn’t watch another minute, breaking down like a prison snitch. She was cool about it, and we ended up watching something else.

AAH! KILL IT! KILL IT!

• My mom is pretty cool.

Though our taste in entertainment differs (see above), she did have a few kind words about a favorite show of mine that was not among her favorites. While watching The Simpsons, she remarked about the innovative attributes of the show’s storytelling. Knowing that her past thoughts on the show barely rose above lukewarm, it was like a Christmas present hidden behind the family piano. It gave me new respect for her, especially in light of my discomfort shown above.

• Procedural crime-solving dramas are gross… and addictive.

Nothing brings out gore like video games and crime-solving television shows. Seriously, the amount of blood and bodily organs splayed on the screen in an average episode of CSI (and its millions of spin-offs) or Bones would make the Mortal Kombat creators wince. Watching these shows is like a gross-out contest where the challenger poops and then eats their fecal matter: it’s unexpected, and you’re surprised that they topped themselves.

Speaking of Bones, damn did it suck me in. I don’t know if it was the likable though two-dimensional characters, the intense situations and puzzle-like configuration of each episode, or a new-found crush on Emily Deschanel, but I watched a lot of episodes. (I think it was the Deschanel factor.) I don’t see myself watching it on my own, but I’ll pull up a seat when I visit my family again.

"The Deschanel Factor" claims another victim: my heart.

• I love my family.

Sure, they drive me crazy at times. And yeah, I know that I do the same. But being with those that love you unconditionally and that you can say the same about is a good feeling. Being able to tell an inside joke or offer a few words of a shared memory is a comforting, fun experience. When they know what you’re thinking, how you are feeling based on your body language or want to share in the current events, it is that much more special. And when you look at them and remember years of experiences — good and bad — and still want to give them a hug, that’s love.

• My friends are dang cool.

A yearly tradition is spending New Year’s Eve with my college friends, and I make the two-hour+ drive to spend time with them, catch up on the past year and have fun. Being able to reconnect and feel the shared positivity with them is well worth getting together, and it makes me wish that I can spend time with them more often. It is tough cultivating bonds over a long distance — hell, maintaining relationships in the same city can be an ordeal — and it is all the more powerful to have friends with people that feel the same.

Some of these things can be learned throughout the year, but “the most wonderful time of the year” makes the lessons more poignant and special. For that, I can put up with the cold weather and cheesy traditions if it means gaining knowledge from my family, friends and myself.