Bros! BROS! BROS. Soft drinks, amirite? You want to down some sweet high-fructose corn syrup modified that tastes like something resembling 23 flavors of something. But then those damn WOMEN want to get their hands on YOUR sugar water! Well FUCK THAT SHIT!
You want something just for you. You want those 23 fucking flavors spilling down YOUR gullet, not being slurped down by some SHE-DEVIL with BOOBIES and the DEVIL’S TRIANGLE between her legs! Oh, and you’re minding your calories because it’s almost summertime and tanning time. Gotta show off the figure!
So what do we do, bros? WHAT DO WE DO to use our man power and oppress women from downing our low-calorie sugar drinks? I’ve got the answer, bros, and it’s gonna BLOW your DAMN MINDS:
Bros. BROS. It’s only for us, bros.
Those 10 manly, chemically enhanced calories will be sucked down our throats like so many other liquids of questionable origin and shame! We’re gonna drink it SO hard, bro! You have NO IDEA! We’re gonna bathe our faces in it! That stickiness is gonna be SO good, bro, and we’re gonna beg for more!
So step aside, ladies! The Dr is in session! WE’RE gonna take our sweet man juice and TAKE IT HARD AND BOLD!