Don’t Be So Miracle Whip

If I’ve learned one thing from the critically-acclaimed TV show Mad Men, it’s that white folks be trippin’. If I’ve learned another thing from the show, it’s that advertising is about evoking emotion.

In the past few years, Kraft Foods Group seems to be concerned with keeping their salad dressing/mayonnaise-fearing product Miracle Whip on the collective forefront of America’s youth. The zenith of this entertaining attempt by Kraft’s marketing to be hip was the “Don’t Be So Mayo” campaign, and I thank the comedic geniuses of their marketing agency for the blurst (definition: a person, place or thing defined for the absurd nature of its positive and negative qualities) commercial of this young century.

Subsequent marketing efforts for trying to talk to the kids about the tangy zip of the Whip were similarly fucked up, like this ad campaign from last year that carried political undertones:

You’d think that the mockery of these endeavors would be enough to make Kraft do an about-face and stick to their demographic: old people that want to cut the fat and calories that mayo contains while cramming their sandwiches with white goop. But that’s what makes Kraft and Miracle Whip so EDGY, MAN! And I love them because they keep trying, like this new ad,

Stuff like the following ad give me strength when I’m at my lowest, for I have to live another day to mock the ever-loving hell out of dumb corporations. Why? Oh, I can give you a few reasons–FOR FREE:

• The first sentence alone would be enough to dehydrate my tear ducts forever due to laughter.

“HEY, MAN,” some imaginary, sneering 18-35 year old that Kraft hopes will defend Miracle Whip, “Why are you ragging on Miracle Whip? Have you TRIED Miracle Whip? It’s, like, TOTES good, bro. You’re like, a hater.”

• The second and third sentences would make my tear ducts spasm.

The accusatory tone in that ad copy suggests some hurt feelings on behalf of Kraft, that they’re still smarting from the online ass-kicking they got from their last few efforts to attract hipsters to their product. And biting back at the same audience savvy enough to ridicule the ridiculous pandering won’t get them on your side. But the holier-than-thou attitude in defense of FUCKING SANDWICH SPREAD is INSANE. And it is hilarious.

• A corporation invoking the underdog plea is GOOFY AS FUCK.

Kraft Foods earned more than $18 billion in revenue in 2011. BILLION with a “B.” They’re not underdogs of anything. And yet they are positioning Miracle Whip as a scrappy fighter on its last legs by saying that they’re “fighting back.” From WHAT? Their CEO not getting a wing built on his gold house? Fuck them.

Kraft Foods CEO W. Anthony Vernon and his gold house

• The innuendo in this ad brings out the inner 12-year-old in everyone.

Asking people to “open their minds” and “Keep an Open Mouth to our unique flavor”?  “Insert ourselves into the mouths of a million people”? Sounds like the beginning to a million nights of clumsy adult situations. And why is that video camera on, Kraft?

And “unique flavor”? Even YOU don’t know what Miracle Whip is supposed to taste like.

• Who in the hell is going to endorse Miracle Whip?

These so-called “famous mouths,” “some which may have faced some prejudgment themselves,” will be as talented and pervasive as Rob Kardashian. This “epic music video” will be the blurst thing since CNN’s coverage of the Boston Marathon bombing and manhunt.

• Their attempt to be funny is reason for throwing Redwood-like shade

The last sentence (“Together, we can end the unfair judgment of Miracle Whip once and for all”) should cause concern for optical surgeons dealing with emergency surgeries due to eye-rolls. I get it; they’re trying to be cute in standing up to the snickering and mockery from the past few years. But like that friend that doesn’t understand why every person they date is an asshole, Kraft and Miracle Whip brought it upon themselves with their bat-shit ads.

If Kraft is trying to cultivate the razzing they’re received with their stupid Miracle Whip ads, they’ve picked up what Don Draper’s been putting down. But if their tone-deaf plea for redemption with “The Year of a Million Mouths” is any indication, they’re in for a few more years of being taunted like the “It Gets Better” campaign never existed. And THAT’S not so mayo.