Tag Archives: bible

Racists Frantically Building Time Machine

CALHOUN FALLS, SC (AP) — Work on the world’s first time machine has accelerated in the wake of Barack Obama’s re-election for President of the United States. The project, in the works for nearly four years, gained traction in the form of a renewed focus and funding from several benefactors.

Project co-creator Mark Aiken was inspired to create the machine when he felt overwhelmed about the state of the country after the 2008 presidential election. He longed for a simpler time, repeatedly mentioning 1951 as a target to hit in the trip.

“I just felt that my rights, you know were being taken away, I couldn’t count on my government to support my choices, and I wanted to take control. I had enough,” he said.

Time machine co-creator Mark Aiken

“I wanted things to be like they used to, like when I grew up. Things were easier, simpler. Things weren’t changin’ all the time. People knew their neighbors, and they stuck to their own [kind].”

Aiken, a lifelong resident of Calhoun Falls since his birth in 1951, is encouraged by like-minded people in the United States. He cites people like celebrity mogul Donald Trump, political strategist Karl Rove, and former politician Pat Buchanan as inspirations for his work.

“When I saw Trump tweet that he was going to make that Kenyan [Obama] give up his college transfats [transcripts] and passwords [transcripts], I was all ‘hell yeah’! I wanted to be rid of all of this. He’s like me, a simple man wanting things to be simple–not all cultural and ethnic.”

Hot on the heels of the election results Tuesday, Aiken took to Twitter and tweeted to his 35 followers “REAL change is coming… we’ll change our world back to when REal Americans where in charge!!”

One of his Twitter followers, Edward Williams, the son-in-law of  businessman William Koch, contacted his father-in-law and family members about the exploits of Aiken and Sloan. Fresh off of key defeats in the elections, the Koch brothers wanted to fund a project that had a better chance at success. Aiken and and his cousin, Russ Sloan, the device’s designer, will receive funding based on stages of completion. The creators have earmarked the completion of the machine by June 2014. They hope to conduct their first fourth-dimensional trip in August 2014.

Two of the time machine’s benefactors, Charles and David Koch

The pair described their extensive research into the science of inter-dimensional travel: they poured through “journals” such as The Time Machine and The Chronic Argonauts by H.G. Wells, and they repeatedly studied “documentaries” such 2002′s The Time Machine.

The Time Machine was so slick. They really did a good job on showing that we could really do it like they did. And that H.G. Wells fella [actor Guy Pearce] was a stud,” said Aiken.

“If he could build a time machine, so could I.”

The transportation device, modeled after Noah’s Ark on an one-eighth scale, is designed to accommodate 30 people comfortably. Sloan, who fostered the design, thought that a machine modeled after a Bible creation would show their desire for taking things back to their roots.

“While we won’t be taking two of every animal, we’ll carry the spirit of Noah’s desire to ride out the flood. The flood in this case is progressivism or whatever they’re calling it,” Sloan said.

Aiken hopes to recruit family and friends to make the initial voyage. He and Sloan will sell seats for the remaining spaces through a Kickstarter initiative.

The Sluttiest Halloween Costumes to Ever Slut

Halloween is just around the corner, and the costumed masses will be out in full force. All Hallow’s Eve is coincidentally the time where women liberate their minds and most of their clothes, letting their freak flags fly and their bare skin shine. These brave patriots combine the virtues of poor humor and questionable taste, resulting in some of the worst decisions since microphones were put in front of politicians.

Say hello to a thousand nights of nightmares!

So in the spirit of the holiday, I figured that I would contribute my own list of slutty Halloween costumes to either bring this trend to its logical conclusion or trademark them and roll in morally filthy cash like a human Scrooge McDuck.  Here’s the list:

  • Slutty Fifty Shades of Grey Book

It is all too easy to dress as sensual versions of college student Anastasia Steele, American Psycho-meets-Edward-from-Twilight creep Christian Grey, or a IHOP employee to pay tribute to the blockbuster erotic novel trilogy (and those couple costumes–OY VEY!), but that would do the books themselves an injustice.

Instead, be creative and let people know that you read books, dammit! Make a life-size book, cut out arm and leg holes, and make sure to leave an opening for your breast plate! BOOM–Slutty Fifty Shades of Grey Book.

  • Slutty Incredible Hulk

Hey, remember the movie The Avengers? I would hope so; it’s the third-biggest grossing American movie of all-time! So capitalize on that comic-book-movie heat by dressing as a tarted-up version of the most violent and monstrous character not named Loki.

TOO EASY.

It would be too easy to simply dress as She-Hulk, cousin of Bruce Banner, and call it a day. NO. Strut your crazy stuff and femme-up the original Incredible Hulk. You don’t want people to think that you are a feminist in any way, do you? (Equal rights for women, UGH AMIRITE MITT BRO-MNEYS?) Paint yourself green, create huge foam biceps and triceps, rip up your pants, memorize the line “Hulk Smash!” and don’t forget to show off that breast plate! BOOM–slutty Incredible Hulk.

  • Slutty Tyler Perry’s Madea

You may be saying to yourself, “Gee, Genial Black Man, Madea is plenty slutty ALREADY!” And I would question your damn mind. Writer/actor/director Tyler Perry’s most popular character is a middle-aged Bible-thumping conservative in all but political affiliation, and the only skin she shows is on her face.

SO SKANK HER UP ALREADY.

Here’s what you do, idiots: throw on some glitter makeup, break out a sexy gray wig and cat-eyed glasses, push those fake breasts up in your sexiest house dress, clutch your Bible and praise Jesus ALL night long! Make those Joker-costumed bros say “HALLELUJAH!” WOO!

  • Slutty Honey Boo-Boo

This one is a slam dunk: tight-fitting babydoll dress, clown makeup, a lollipop, and a bottle of Go Go Juice. Sit back and let men question their morals. Frankly, I would be surprised if this costume isn’t parading the streets of your college town already.

HOT.

  • Slutty Mitt Romney

Why is the most white-bread politician since the villain of an ’80s breakdancing movie on this list? Because I like a challenge.

With the mysticism of his Mormon faith and his uptight, rigid nature, Mitt Romney is the Parthenon of slutty costume obstacles. But it can be done. First, buy an off-the-shelf suit; make sure it’s SUPER tight. Next, loosen that necktie a little. (Aw YEAH.) Then, unbutton a few shirt buttons to show some skin; not too much, though–just a hint of cleavage. Then, let the pants hang JUST ENOUGH to let the magic underwear poke out.

Polish the look off with stripper heels (naturally) and you have your Slutty Mitt Romney–or a very confused businessman.

MAKE ME PROUD, MORONS.

***

Until 2013, let these horrific images paint your images of Halloween costumes. There will be more to question your sanity–be it fictionally or in real life.

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

Mitt Romney’s Future Robotic Ramblings

Whether you are a liberal, conservative or independent voter, registered as a Democratic, Republican or third-party in your state, there is one constant across the board: Mitt Romney is a robot. He is an awkward, lumbering robot that is wearing the skin of the evil politician from an ’80s break-dance movie.

The slings against Romney’s lack of character are nothing new; hell, voters and the GOP have been shoving people into the spotlight with ANY semblance of personality. (Herman Cain, we hardly knew ye.) But Romney is special in a way that little android girl Vicki from Small Wonder is: a gift that tests the patience of hard-line conservatives and provides fodder for comedians for the next 20 years. (Jay Leno is still doing John Kerry jokes somewhere, 8 years after that presidential race.)

My favorite Romney moment so far took place several weeks ago in Michigan. Addressing citizens of his home state, he replied “I love this state,” and “The trees are the right height.” THAT would be awkward for ANYONE to say in general conversation, but this was glorious. (Is there a designated tree height lurking in the depths of Romney’s Windows 95 operating system?) It made me pay attention to Romney more than I had in the last 25 years of the Republican primaries. In fact, it got me to thinking about what Romney would tell voters in the other 49 states. Here’s what I imagined his bits-and-bytes would relay to his mouth-box:

  • Alabama: “You have a lovely state here. The Confederate flag is made of quality thread.”
  • Alaska: “Such friendly people in this state. That Trans-Alaska pipeline is of proper width.”
  • Arizona: “Your state is wonderful. The illegal immigrants are the right shade of brown.”
  • Arkansas: “This is an inviting state to be in. Like your son Johnny Carson, I, too, am burning in a ring of fire.”
  • California: “Such a diverse state this place is. Your gays are just the right amount of gay.”
  • Colorado: “Hey, Colorado! The mile-high club nickname should really be the seven-mile-high club.”

"Ooh-OOH!"

  • Connecticut: “A beautiful New England state, Connecticut is. No hand-holding across the street, straights or gays; it’s the law.”
  • Delaware: “How are you doing, Delaware! Your state is diminutive and adorable.”
  • Florida: “Howdy, Florida! Your humidity is messing with my programming. … I mean, golly, it is ever hot!”
  • Georgia: “Georgia, the peach state! Coca-Cola’s formula is just the right amount of Classic.”
  • Hawaii: “This is one of the most beautiful states in the nation. Your tall volcanoes will power our underground power sources.”
  • Idaho: “Idaho is the backbone of America’s growth. Your Idaho potatoes provide the proper sustenance.”
  • Illinois: “Illinois, the birthplace of Ronald Reagan. Your pizza has a satisfactory a
  • mount of deep dish.”

A satisfactory amount of "deep dish."

  • Indiana: “Ah, Indiana, boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln. That moving picture Hoosiers was satisfactory.”
  • Iowa: “Iowa, the state that can claim John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy! Your Quaker Oats factory creates tolerable oatmeal.”
  • Kansas: “It is great to be here in Kansas! Hattie McDaniel played an appeasing servant in the motion picture Gone With the Wind.”
  • Kentucky: “So wonderful to be visiting the bluegrass state! Your Kentucky Fried Chicken has the right breading.”
  • Louisiana: “Thank you for the warm welcome, Louisiana. Your Mardi Gras celebration is filled with pride and human breasts.”
  • Maine: “It is a joy to be here in Maine. Augusta is east enough to be the most eastern city in these United States of America!”
  • Maryland: “Maryland, your state is beautiful. I am glad that most of your state is not a crime-ridden circle of Hell.”
  • Massachusetts: “Hey, Massachusetts! Your collegiate institutions are effectively propping up your education system.”

The Town townies: making Boston proud.

  • Minnesota: “Lovely Minnesota, home of the 10,000 lakes. Your manufacturing of Spam provides Hawaiians with the cogent amount of nutrition.”
  • Mississippi: “Such a great state, Mississippi. Your Bible-binding plants are keeping the citizens neck-deep in Jesus.”
  • Missouri: “How are you doing, Missouri! The state animal of the mule is a passable mascot.”
  • Montana: “Thank you for coming out, Montana. Your high-speed interstates allow you to get through the state in a quick manner.”
  • Nebraska: “It is a pleasure to be here in Nebraska! Your corn is the right shade of yellow.”
  • Nevada: “Nevada, one of the most western states in these United States. Your prostitutes are industrious.”
  • New Hampshire: “I am grateful for your hospitality, New Hampshire. I am a fan of your alarm clocks.”
  • New Jersey: “How are you today, New Jersey! Your reputation as the diner state is likely the cause of your state’s musky aroma.”

I doubt Jay-Z dines in New Jersey's plentiful diners.

  • New Mexico: “I am in awe of the beautiful deserts of this state. Your sheep are properly shorn.”
  • New York: “It is great to be among you New Yorkers. The skyscrapers have the proper balance of sky and building.”
  • North Carolina: “North Carolina, thank you for that wonderful reception. Your flying machines have propelled Americans through the skies.”
  • North Dakota: “I enjoy your state, North Dakota. Your milk is the suitable beverage for a night out on the town.”
  • Ohio: “It is exciting to be here in Ohio! LeBron James is a quality basketball player.”
  • Oklahoma: “Oklahoma, the state that spawned the popular musical! I enjoy your yield signs.”
  • Oregon: “Thank you for the applause, Oregon. Your beavers have adequate tails and thickness.”
  • Pennsylvania: “Such a hard-working state. Your Hershey’s chocolate is stimulating enough to be a delicacy in small amounts.”
  • Rhode Island: “I am glad to be here in Rhode Island! Your imitation of the Liberty Bell is a tolerable reproduction.”
  • South Carolina: “I appreciate your warm welcome, South Carolina. Your state dance of the “shag” maintains a sufficient amount of touching.”
  • South Dakota: “Thank you for having me, South Dakota. I feel at home at your Corn Palace.”
  • Tennessee: “What a lovely state this is. We will never forget that you held out the longest before seceding from the Union during the Civil War.”
  • Texas: “Howdy, Texans! Your armadillos are as hard-bodied with soft centers as your taxpayers.”
  • Utah: “I feel at home here in Utah! Your high literacy rates are as pure as your natives.”
  • Vermont: “You are a lovely crowd here in Vermont. Your Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has the right balance of “cherry” and “Garcia.”
  • Virginia: “Thanks for your patronage, Virginia. Your peanuts have a distinct nutty flavor.”
  • Washington: “How are you doing, Washington! Your motion picture The Twilight Saga qualifies as a talkie.”
  • West Virginia: “It is a privilege to be here in West Virginia! I enjoy your outdoor plumbing.”
  • Wisconsin: “Wisconsin, the cheese state! Your American cheese is of valid citizenship.”
  • Wyoming: “Wyoming! You are the definition of a state.”

Random Thoughts

With an ever-busy schedule and attempting a social life, blogging regularly is sometimes a chore. With a world of things happening, thoughts are as varied and scattered as whatever fake issue FOX News decides to blow up into a scandal. Therefore, in the spirit of brevity, I’ll be as concise as possible with the following:

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is back in the news with backers of Proposition 8 in California trying to strike down the ruling that allowed lawfully-recognized same-sex unions because of the judge’s sexuality. (Brevity: negated.) There are several reasons why supporters of Prop. 8 and opponents of gay marriage are and will be ridiculous:

  • Gay marriage protesters – the ones actively picketing and getting legislation to strike down same-sex marriages — are the equivalent of busybody neighbors, concerned that their neighbor’s son’s hair is getting too shaggy or that the minister’s daughter is rumored to enjoy a drink of alcohol. Like in these silly examples, the so-called problems do not concern the onlooker in the slightest.
  • Those using the Bible as their argument crutch are more likely to pick and choose the parts of the Good Book to obey or interpret as they wish. If people believe that man lying with a man is an abomination (or even more annoying, those that say “Doesn’t saying anything about woman lying with a woman — hur hur hur”), how about that whole lying thing being a sin? How about marriage being solely a Christian thang?
  • The whole sanctity of marriage being a reason to deny gays the right to marry? BULLSHIT. There is no sanctity of marriage. Blame its disappearance on reality shows hawking phony unions, divorce, or more commonly, people marrying for selfish reasons unrelated to love and trust until death do you part.

No they aren't, you asshole.

Summary: denying homosexuals the right to marry is bigoted, propped up by ambiguous language from thousands of years ago by selfish people for today’s selfish people.
***
Internet Discourse
People do not give much thought — if any — or care to how they portray themselves online. Much of your daily communication — be it through social media, other websites, text or email — is in digital form, professionally or extracurricular, and yet few people care about grammar, spelling and/or sentence structure, let alone manners.
I’ve covered this before, and cyberbullying and tone are some of the annoyances in dealing with people online. But people shrug it off with the “internet isn’t serious business” defense. You are still conversing with people. You would most likely not say the majority of those things in public to another person. Anonymity to hide behind is BULLSHIT. Take responsibility and learn to use your words.
***
Driving
Driving in Arizona is like putting people in straitjackets behind the wheel. My mom, visiting from Chicago, remarked that tail-gators are a phenomenon here, and I agree. They don’t know how to change lanes to avoid slow drivers. Also, they don’t know how to vacate the right lane to allow drivers to merge onto highways. Oh, also, they cross five lanes of traffic like they’re aiming for NASCAR’s pit row.
***
Walmart
The Walmart Supercenter on Baseline Road and Country Club Avenue in Mesa always smells like farts upon entry. Not a good thing to associate with your store and corporation, Mesa Walmart Supercenter.
***
Ashton Kutcher and Two and a Half Men
Somehow, Two and a Half Men averages millions of viewers for new and syndicated broadcasts. Sadly, Charlie Sheen’s public, tiger blood-fueled implosion has not buried the show in his ego grave.
News leaked last week that That ’70s Show alum/douchebag Ashton Kutcher would replace Sheen for the show’s ninth season. For that brain-traumaed cross-section of Kutcher/Two and a Half Men fans that don’t remember similar replacements on shows like Happy Days and Spin City (Sheen replaced Michael J. Fox!), enjoy the new iteration while it lasts.
But oh, how will they explain Sheen’s character Charlie Parker disappearing into the television attic — like little sister Judy from Family Matters? Simple: a memoriam episode. Show Charlie walking out to his car, insert stock footage of a car explosion and loop 20 minutes of a car fire mixed with harried screams of Charlie dying in the flames. Cut to black.

"Men..."

Diehard fans will have their catharsis, completists will have the mystery solved, and absurdists like myself will have a new YouTube clip to loop like a dog eating a human heart.
***
People and Hair
Nerds, geeks, dorks, dweebs and sloths: stop with the terrible hair. Stop with the ponytails, the balding cul-de-sac with ponytail, the mullet, skullet and Lancelot dos. It’s embarrassing and often smelly.
***
Twitter and Bigotry
Like all social media, Twitter is a fast — if not the fastest — way to spread your views to people. And Twitter Trends and hashtags often show views of racism, sexism and homophobia. The Root had an eye-opening piece on how African-Americans use Twitter, often to embarrassing results. Thing is, all races, colors, creeds and genders do the same.
It is sad that such a powerful information resource — used to spread awareness of Middle East political unrest, for example — is usually an outlet of hate speech. And people claiming that it is all humor are even more hateful and cowardly. Again, think about how you use your words and own up to them.

The Book of Statham: The Essence of Statham

Movie star, ex-footballer and sexual conquistador Jason Statham transcends mere categorization. His tough-as-nails persona is a front for his even tougher-as-more-nails inner psyche, crushing the emotional states of the world’s most intelligent minds with a mere thought of them being “tossers.” His machismo is enough to turn America’s red states gay; his sexual charisma whips through vaginae like tornadoes through trailer parks.

Jason Statham, emerging from the "Sea of Fucking"

In other words, Statham is the pinnacle of Stahamnosity.

Thanks to the combined efforts of archaeologists and relics of Variety magazine, we have pieced together accounts of That Which is Statham — translated from stick figures engaging in strongly suggestive content by Stathanmian sociologist “Arran,” himself bold in the boudoir and jet ski arts.

Excerpts from Book XVI:

New York Times Arts Critic Ben Brantly once said of Statham: “That guy makes Charlie Sheen look like the cast of Will and Grace.” Leaving out the fact that Brantly’s comment was in a review of the 2011 theater performance of Macbeth,  Statham’s legendary masculinity was the stuff of love nectar legend.

Statham has had sex with many men, but it was not gay because he was Statham. The world is infinitely pliable to his whims. If he says it ain’t gay, it ain’t gay. When Statham said that being gay wasn’t gay, his words reinterpreted history: the Bible no longer says that a man could not lay with another man, but that man could lay with Statham; history books touted Nazi Germany as the “Sausage Nigels” party; “the gay condition” was known as “Statham Fever”; and actor Tom Cruise rented out his house for Craigslist sex parties.

Statham didn’t really like being subject to regular human labels, but if pushed (something you don’t want to do, of course), he acquiesced to the following:

Gender: Statham
Sexuality: Stahosexual
Religion: Statheism

The one reported case of someone mocking Statham was a teenage internet user that ironically claimed to be a Statosexual. Statham, sensing someone using his name in vain, reached through the user’s smartphone [an ancient form of wireless communication -- Ed.], grabbed him by the neck, punched his penis off (through the kid’s pants) and said “Next time, I’ll deflate all your balls, friend.”

The incident resulted in a change to the Obama Administration’s much-vaunted net neturality rules – ISPs do not have the legal right to filter content through their service, however the Statham Amendment to the bill allows providers to voluntarily block access to anything Statham related in order to protect customers’ safety. Apple was ahead of the curve – Steve Jobs personally blocked the Statham App from the iTunes App Store in order to avoid complaints of iOS devices overloading due to sheer machisimo, while the iOS autocorrect facility automatically changes “Statham” to “state of ham” to avoid the possibility of arousing Statham’s ire.

Excerpts from Book XVIII:

The Statham Amendment would become its own amendment in the Constitution in 2014 after a Senate meeting incident to vote on the changes to the Net Neutrality bill. On the Senate floor, after John Boehner rolled his eyes when reading the motion of the bill to pass, Statham crashed his Land Rover — otherwise known as his “Fuck Truck” — into the U.S. Capitol building, hurtled himself through the windshield at full screen and tackled Boehner, beating him with his gavel until the orange skin tone was removed from his face.

A real-life event filmed for Crank 2.

The Statham Amendment incident was the start of Statham’s involvement in bureaucratic service. Statham immediately removed the Senate and Congress from Washington, leaving the Legislative Branch in the hands of Statham. The Supreme Court, fearing hostile takeover, vacated their spots. President Obama promised to relegate himself to Vice President. (Joe Biden was kept on as Statham’s White House jester.)

The national tragedy was immediately challenged by Statham as a “National Correction.” Fearing similar government incidents, foreign countries enacted similar measures of Statham-blocked internet information to prevent his wrath.

Despite the measures being purely for the safety of the citizenry of the world and not a slight against Statham himself, Statham worked from within the system to remove all restrictions on the world gettings its dose of unchecked, uncensored, grade-A fuckworthy Statham. He had only appeared to support the amendment from the outside because he was bored and felt like a challenge in getting it repealed (“challenge” being a relative term when it comes to Statham; being something which takes him using just 1% of his immense brainpower).
He worked to both undermine and publicly support the Amendment through means of democracy and the power of the vote and…

Just fucking with you; he totally boned Nancy Pelosi.

Excerpts from Book XIX:

The magnificent bonetude of Pelosi gave Statham an immediate dosage of political savvy and knowledge — partially from absorbing Pelosi’s chi and literally blowing her back out. (Pelosi’s spinal fluid worked as a stem cell-like supplement that also gave Statham Pelosi’s past memories and feminine attitudes, which he mentally eradicated from his brain with the thought “I’ll give you five seconds to remove your pussy thoughts.”)

Statham, emerging from the "Fuckorghini"

With decades of political knowledge, Statham managed to uproot all America knew of democracy, running afoul of political friends and foes alike. Political pundits fell into step, praising his name in reverent tones like Gregorian chants.

FOX News [a former broadcast television network for Conservative political propaganda, hosted by retired strippers -- Ed.] was the first, with the cable news leader changing their name to “FOX Statham” and the slogan to “Statham and Balanced.” Glenn Beck, fearing not getting a ratings boost by not having him on his show, offered himself up as a Stahosexual conquest. Statham took that as a challenge, strapping Beck to the hood of his Fuck Truck and driving it around Australian prisons while having a seven-way with the female anchors.

Excerpts from Book XXIX:

After conquering FOX News, Statham took over every single cable news and television network in similar fashion. Americans could not turn the channel without seeing Statham riding his jet ski in Fuck City, yelling and pointing at the sky, or having graphic sex with the WNBA league while shouting “You know you won’t understand it, but it’ll be good practice for me!” CNN became known as Statham News Network. MSNBC changed the meaning of its initials to be “Motherfucking Statham National Broadcasting Company”. Even the Onion News Network changed to “Statham Statham Statham!”

The former country of the United States of America wondered how its airwaves became a haven for Statham porn programming so quickly. Once-professional networks such as CSPAN and MTV4 were reduced to clearinghouses for Statham’s “Fucking from the Fuck Palace” recordings. His bedroom trysts with models and supermodels were top stories on televised news; his bonings of super-duper models were prime-time shows on NBC’s “Must Fuck TV” lineup.

Statham’s book-publishing companies — Statham Books, Lil’ Statham Kids’ Books and Statham’s Adult-Time Monographs — celebrated Statham’s sexual exploits in printed form, with his biography, 20,000 Fucks: Tales from the Set of Crank 2, winning the Mark Twain Award. Statham’s reach extended itself to the internet, with academic and carnal material re-purposed for shrines in his honor.

His reach over all communication channels went unmet for 12 years. Meanwhile, a small group of counterculture radicals, calling themselves “Alarmists to Subvert Statham,” plotted to overthrow their ruler. And the time for revolution was nigh.

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