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The Book of Statham: The Seven Sons of Statham

Jason Statham is not a man, nor is he a human being. He transcends the categorization of mere mortal, with the ability to shape worlds and break hearts with his fists.

"Statham"

This former footballer/actor/super-lover has a mythos that spans beyond human cognition, on the level of time travel, black holes and European carry-alls. A few brave souls exchanged their lives for the ability to comprehend that which is Statham, and selections from the sagely annal, Variety Magazine, are deciphered — with the help of a Stathamian sociologist simply known as “Arran” — from an otherworldly language of stick figures engaging in violence and strong sexual content:

Excerpts from Book XII:

Statham only has two emotions: relaxed and massacre. When Statham is in the mood for sex, many wonder if he is relaxed or ready for massacre. While Statham clearly is never nervous before coitus, he will tear that ass up something chronic. It’s not a literal massacre, but it’s close.

His tearing up of ass is like him imagining himself brutally beating up a bad guy within an inch of their life — but with his penis. Ultimately, Statham is a tender lover, but you may not walk right for at least a year. This is why Statham is unable to keep a lover for more than a day.

Statham, about to "tear that ass up."

Excerpts from Book XXIV:

Statham’s testosterone-powered seed overwhelm the ovaries so much that their reproductive systems hibernate to recover. It’s what gynecologists have dubbed the “Statham Effect.” It’s also why Statham doesn’t have known offspring, for no Earthly woman has the reproductive organs strong enough to handle the onslaught of Statham’s seed, let alone allow one to fertilize an egg without exploding.

In the unlikely event that a woman’s egg was fertilized with Statham’s sperm, she wouldn’t be able to carry a Statham child to term; the fetus would punch its way out of the womb within a month. This has not deterred many women from trying, though. Unfortunately, the result is always the same: the baby punches its way out, utters “Let’s get CRANKED,” and then proceeds to try and have sex with the midwife. Fortunately, Statham himself has always been there to stop this by killing the baby with a single karate kick to the sternum.

Statham, winding up to kick-kill another heir to the Statham throne.

When the baby attempts to sex the midwife, it kills her with its powerful thighs and the translated cries of “I’d like to offer you one: permanently disabled!” Statham, seeing the threat that the baby poses to his throne of ruler of Fuck City, kills the baby, yells at the dying corpse, “Fuck your mother! I let boss know you shit in Superman’s stomach. Dumb ass!” and flees the scene.

Excerpts from Book XXVIII:

The women that attempt to have sex with Statham are not bright, nor know how to navigate the internet to read the detailed reports of Statham’s seed shutting down their reproductive systems. This is how Statham likes it.

However, with celebrity-obsessed television show Entertainment Tonight — due to an extraordinary and unexpected piece of journalism — linking the trail of dead babies and midwives to Statham, he decides to relocate to a place where the women are gorgeous and don’t know how to use the internet and television: Croatia.

While Statham hatches a plan to eliminate the threat of trashy entertainment television like Entertainment Tonight, he spends his time manipulating his seed to not create life. He tests it by tearing that ass up of every Croatian women he deems “fuckable within an inch of their life.” His plan almost works.

When the world-at-large learns of Statham’s plan to ensure there are no more Stathams to threaten his official post of King Shit of Fuck Mountain, there is a massive public outcry as the planet fears that with no young Stathams to take the post of Statham Sr. after death, the world will again be vulnerable to attacks from beyond the stars.

The world, of course, is somehow unaware that Statham is actually immortal – that Statham is everliving. Statham still decides to keep his eternal status a secret just to fuck with everyone, as due to his extreme intelligence he regards anyone with an IQ under 364 as “a dopey cunt.”

Statham, applauding a retrospective of his carnal exploits.

Excerpts from Book XXX:

As another ripping gag, he decides to fuck Italy. Not all the women in Italy: the actual country.

The fucking of Italy plunges the country underwater — a brilliant maneuver as the genetic makeup of Italian women are the strongest to give life to a Statham that could withstand the abuse that the elder Statham can give.

What Statham didn’t know was that the future mother of his child, Lady GaGa, was of Italian and Martian descent. (Anthropologists are undecided on GaGa’s Italian heritage.) Upon meeting GaGa at a party in Fuck City, he was intrigued by her brazen fashion and extraterrestrial mannerism, wanting immediately to mount her like a Leonardo da Vinci painting in the Louvre Museum.

Lady GaGa, mother to Statham's seven sons.

As he sawed into her like a jackhammer on pavement, his seed was in for the fight of its life, warring with GaGa’s eggs for hours upon end until they burst through with their tiny fists and feet. The division of cells, creating life, were fought with similar vigor, fighting tooth and nail to give life to the growing Stathams in GaGa’s womb — equipped for carrying strong warriors… and other things…

Excerpts from Book XXXVII:

As Statham stared down the remains of the evil clone of Gabriel Yulaw, a bigger threat loomed on the horizon.

There were seven children in their beginning stages of life, each representing the very threat to Statham’s throne of King Shit of Fuck Mountain of Fuck City, and each would have to come out with guns-a-blazing from the very moment of their human lives — which they would.

As cited in Book XXXI, Passages 24-31:

Statham’s seed is especially notable in the field of biology, because in the incredibly rare case when a woman (such as Lady GaGa) has a womb strong enough to carry a miniature Statham to full term, it actually develops a pair of Glock 9mm pistols during the gestation period – one in each hand. The child is also born with the preternatural ability to wield said firearms with such skill that it makes Lee Harvey Oswald look like a mere patsy. (Indeed, legend has it that the Kennedy assassination was actually carried out by a spawn of Statham lost in the space-time continuum — another natural ability of junior Stathams being the bending of said continuum to their whims — but that is another tale entirely, referenced in Statham 17:29.)

On the predestined day that GaGa was ordained to give birth to Statham’s children, she flew to the remains of Italy and had a ceremonial water birth. The seven Stathams jump-kicked their way out of their restrictive womb, shouting “Don’t pop a blood vessel, you little penis!” to their birth mother, scattering around the world by swimming.

Lady GaGa, in the beginning stages of birthing the children of previous mate Kermit the Frog.

This did not please Statham, who until then was unaware of the survival of the children to term because of GaGa’s lead-clad womb and inexpressive Poker Face. He sensed a disturbance that was brought about the children’s births, and he knew that he had to bring them to their end. But he would need help, for even he could not kill seven Statham’s at once. He turned to the one man who could not feel pain — remembering the wise words of one scholarly man: “pain don’t hurt.”

He dug up the remains of Patrick “Dalton” Swayze.

Excerpts from Book XXXIX:

Statham rejuvenated Swayze with the magical words “Get up, you daft cocksucker!”, causing the corpse of Swayze to reanimate just to chastise Statham over the fact that the phrase “cocksucker” is merely “two nouns combined to elicit a response.” Statham knew that he had found the only being completely fucking hardcore enough to team up with.

After being informed of the situation with the Seven Sons of Statham, Swayze opined “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” Statham, humbled (as much as he could possibly be) by the only man to ever star in a movie more awesome than one of his own, had to agree.

And thus the greatest, toughest, mostest awesomest duo in recorded human history (narrowly edging out Hall and Oates) was formed with a single goal: seek and destroy the Seven Sons.

The Book of Statham

There are legends, there are myths and then there is Jason Statham.

The star of action franchises like The Transporter and Crank appears to be an invincible powerhouse of tenacity, brute strength and homoerotic machismo that could fuel 10 Top Gun movies. Most people know of him as an actor, former footballer and a man’s man. There is, however, more. Much more, in fact.

Jason Statham, or "Statham."

Jason Statham, or "Statham."

According to official records, Jason Statham was born in London, England in 1972 to human parents. However, he is much more than human. Researchers from Southwest Florida College in Fort Myers, Fla. recently unearthed ancient records that nullify British documentation. An Aug. 13 excavation in the Republic of Cameroon by the scholars, leading researchers in Statham Sciences (the only institution in the world to offer the major) produced the first-known records of modern human beings, with one simply known as Statham. His status, elevated above modern homo sapien, is homo stathian, or “very human.”

The mythos of Statham reaches far back, beyond what his 36 years suggests, for his true life spans time and space. His so-called movies are stark portrayals of his real-life experiences; purported Hollywood special effects and writing mistaken for the reality that surrounds him.

Excerpts from the researchers’ article in scholar journal, Variety Magazine, listed below, were translated from a form of communications derived from stick figures depicting violence and strong sexual content:

Excerpts from Book XIV (estimated to take place in 2013):

Kirk Cameron and (Jason) Statham team up to save the world from Satan. Cameron resorts to prayer, while Statham simply kicks his face in and stabs cigarettes out on his eyeballs. Then Statham breaks Cameron’s neck for being a pussy.

During the pivotal fight with Satan, Statham would then do a slow-motion flying kick into Cameron’s head, causing it to immediately explode and propel his body into Satan’s body, causing Satan to explode. Statham would then flash his smirky smile while having sex with three women on top of the remains of Satan and Cameron.

Statham in the documentary, Death Race, chronicling his leadership regime of Statham.

Statham in the documentary, Death Race, chronicling his leadership regime of Statham.

Then Statham becomes our God and re-writes the Ten Commandments so there’s only one: don’t be a pussy. World peace is rapidly achieved, and there is only violence in the world when Statham feels like fighting ninjas and robots for practice in case of alien invasion.

(Statham) rewrites the commandments by breaking a crying child in half, claiming it was “too muck of a daft pussy to live.”

Excerpts from Book XXII (estimated to take place in 2019):

Six years have passed, with the world enjoying prosperity unlike what it has ever witnessed. Peace remains until a terminator with Arnold Schwartzenegger comes from the future, challenging Statham to a fight for the survival of the world. Statham says, “Let’s Crank this up.”

Statham bends the limits and physics of reality to his whim.

Statham bends the limits and physics of reality to his whim.

Arnold starts to say “I’ll be ba…” but is interrupted by Statham kicking his head off. Peace reigns supreme once more. Statham then rewards the world by inviting everyone to watch him banging Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz at the Colosseum, using the U.S. Constitution as a condom.

While engaging in such lovemaking, he shouts out numerous phrases altered from the condom to have the essence of Statham, including “We the People of the United States of Statham, in Order to fuck a more perfect Union!” and “No hot-ass bitch shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of Staham-grade fuckability, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States of Statham, and who shall not, when erected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which she shall be fucked silly.”

Book XXIII (estimated to take place in 2024):

Statham travels to New York City, now known as Fuck City, and renames the United Nations the United Stathams, with only one member – himself. As head of the Security Council, he then passes a binding resolution declaring “Statham rocks” before blow-torching the building and roundhouse-kicking its smoldering remains into dust, thereby making the resolution impossible to be repealed.

Statham, on his way to overtake the United Nations from Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Statham, on his way to overtake the United Nations from Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Excerpts from Book XXVI (estimated to take place in 2026):

Statham brings his influence to Washington D.C., taking over the Legislative, Executive and Judicial branches by punching every single person in government once, causing simultaneous explosions. He then names the branches Statham, Statham and Statham, names Washington D.C. into Statham, District of Cock-Knocking and reforms the Washington Monument into the shape of his penis (adding material to it, of course).

He also simplifies the lyrics of the national anthem by replacing every couplet with “STATHAM! STATHAM!”, with the music simply being the main riff of “Master of Puppets” over and over again. The inaugural airing of the new anthem is played at the Lincoln Memorial, now renamed the Statham is Awesomeial (and the monument itself is now a statue of Statham fucking Megan Fox from behind), with AC/DC, Slayer and Queens of the Stone Age providing the musical backing while Statham yells the lyrics while greased-up and naked.

Cloned actress Megan Fox, reminiscing about her passionate and overpowered lovemaking with Statham.

Cloned actress Megan Fox, reminiscing about her passionate and awesome lovemaking with Statham.

The footage is aired on every television station on Earth, now simply renamed Statham after Statham took over the U.N., annihilated Osama bin Laden by driving his Audi (from Transporter 3) headfirst into the Afghanistan mountains and fucked Kim-Jong Il in a non-gay expression of power until North Korea exploded in awesomeness. As Statham delivers the State of Statham, he points at the camera to accentuate every point, using quotes from his movies (“You know my fourth rule? Never make a promise you can’t keep,” “Who’s got my fucking strawberry tart?” and “You pair of sausage nigels! How do you sleep at night?”)

Statham, vacationing off the shores of Fuck City

Statham, vacationing off the shores of Fuck City.

Excerpts from Book XXXII (estimated to take place in 2092):

The planet of Statham enters the most prosperous of times in its history. Interstellar threats are thwarted with Statham pointing his penis at the sky and yelling “Massive homo cunt!” He celebrates these many victories by fucking a Maxim hologram magazine movie star/celebrity from the Hot 100 list while the reunited androids of classic rock band System of the Down plays live in the background — one day hoping for their freedom, which may happen when Gabriel Yulaw (depicted in the sci-fi documentary The One by color talkie-film action star Jet Li) beams into the Statham is Awesomeial.

to-be-continued

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