Tag Archives: cruise

The Store for Old Douchebags

Humans go through fashion phases as they age. What once seemed like perfectly acceptable wear for public outings is relegated to around-the-house knock-arounds, and this goes double for douchebag-infested t-shirts or similarly young-skewing clothing that brands you an enemy of intelligence.

When it is no longer socially unobjectionable to wear your best Big Dogs, Affliction or Ed Hardy clothing, you have to cut your losses and graduate to the next stage in retail douchebaggery. It is a sad day when you realize that you are middle-aged and no longer getting the intended laughs for your Big Johnson shirt. But fret not, for there is a retailer that has your clothing needs AND MORE.

Tommy Bahama, a Margaritaville-inspired spin-off of Tommy Hilfiger’s corporate line of preppy clothing and sundries, is as garish as the fever-dream-tattooed Ed Hardy artwork that masquerades itself as sensible goods. If you want people to know the brand name of your shitty vacation wear, Tommy Bahama is all too happy to emblazon their name–or patronizing words of advice–across it. And there are STORES for this shit.

Armed with this tear-inducing knowledge, I wanted to peer into the flowery-draped, brightly-lit cave of the middle-aged douchebag, so I peeked my head in. And boy were my tossed-off assumptions validated.

A few things about this shi(r)t:

  • The artwork is immediately terrible–is that parrot being choked by a necktie/snake?
  • The slogan “World’s Most Interesting Parrot” is based off the so-mediocre-that-people-love-it “World’s most interesting man” Dos Equis marketing campaign. Way to copy the beer world’s version of The Hangover, Tommy Bahama.
  • TWO birds, parrot? AND a mixed drink? How blase; the REAL “World’s Most Interesting Parrot” would be having a five-way while snorting coke off of a tiger. Let’s get serious here.
  • What kind of lesson is this shirt teaching the grandkids of the wearer? That grandpa has shitty taste? They were bound to find out sometime.

Store life’s empty platitudes and mantras in this bag. The “RELAX” theme is one that pops up often on Tommy Bahama gear.

Ah, here are the two things well-off, middle-aged douchebags understand: cigars and golf. GRIP IT AND RIP IT–but not with the women around!

God, the racks and racks of THIS SHIT. It’s like there’s a cruise ship boarding next door for Geezer Island.

Love Major League Baseball? Have terrible taste in clothing? BOOM!

Tommy Bahama and Major League Baseball: a marriage made in heaven–but not that same-sex marriage blasphemy; we’re talking “good ol’ fashioned, man-on-woman, sex-once-a-year, separate-bedrooms-but-telling-people-we’re-happy” marriage!

If you look carefully, you will see a framed picture of boring clothing. And if you look even more carefully, you’ll see my soul leaving my body.

Yes, Tommy Bahama customer: RELAX… in these $48 flip-flops that cost $5 to make. Made with orthotic footbeds to accommodate those old-ass feet.

Good for the day you enter rich-person prison.

Smell like that guy on vacation that’s had one-too-many daiquiri’s and is hitting on the waitress in front of his wife!

For the man losing control of his memory yet has too much money to spend.

A tiki riding “the wave”? What the WHAT?

When you’re in the mood to “grill and chill,” do so with a spatula that tells your food to RELAX, (Sigh.) and that phrase is as meaningful as “Live, Love, Laugh.” YOU DON’T NEED CONSUMER GOODS TO DICTATE HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE YOUR LIFE.

***

I get that this stuff and store (and restaurant!) is not my scene, and it’s snobby of me to mock it so. But lifestyle brands like this are allowed to exist because people are so willing to buy into the illusion of said lifestyle. Oh, and it’s all so Blanding Tatum that it hurts. (Sums up the Tommy Bahama shopping experience, really.) But hey, if people like it, more power to them–and to me to make fun of it. So RELAX, all. It’s all okay.

Why Esquire Shouldn’t Preach on How to Be a Man

And this is independent of my views of their neanderthal, racist magazine:

Look carefully for the contradiction.

Okay, you don’t have to look THAT carefully.

(BTW, would he be on the cover if his new movie, Knight and Day, wasn’t coming out this summer? The answer is in the question.)

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