A Good Motto to Live By

People are spoiled. Many Americans live without the threat of hunger, violent weather conditions and willingly listening to Nickelback. So why are people so assholey? Seriously. Listen in on conversations in public and be depressed about the future. And that’s without the anonymity of the internet. (Read Twitter’s Trending Topics sometime and try NOT to mix yourself a rum-and-Vicodin daiquiri.)

So here’s my solution, a motto that I try to live by–and others should, too:

Simple, innit? Here are some examples for putting this into practice:

• When gossiping in public, wait until someone is out of earshot before talking crap about them and revealing your own insecurities in the process
• If you feel the urge to hit someone, don’t; that person’s existence is probably more painful emotionally than any physical damage can do
• If you want to steal a parking spot from someone else, back off; the few seconds of naughty pleasure is not worth possibly being knifed like so many at Arizona Mills mall*
• If you plan to steal someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend, well, just wait until the shoe’s on the other foot

This “Don’t Be a Dick” idea could be revolutionary if implemented correctly. Imagine a world where one can stride confidently down the street without fear of being called a “fatty-fat-fat-fat”! Or an unenlightened person not offending someone with their very-detailed beliefs about the sexual habits of “the gays”! Or anything from the mouths of Larry the Cable Guy fans! My god, it could be a utopia!

Drink it in, folks. Wave of the future and all that! In other words, don’t model your life after a YouTube video’s comment section.

* City of Tempe crime statistics may or may not validate this made-up claim.