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Mitt Romney’s Future Robotic Ramblings

Whether you are a liberal, conservative or independent voter, registered as a Democratic, Republican or third-party in your state, there is one constant across the board: Mitt Romney is a robot. He is an awkward, lumbering robot that is wearing the skin of the evil politician from an ’80s break-dance movie.

The slings against Romney’s lack of character are nothing new; hell, voters and the GOP have been shoving people into the spotlight with ANY semblance of personality. (Herman Cain, we hardly knew ye.) But Romney is special in a way that little android girl Vicki from Small Wonder is: a gift that tests the patience of hard-line conservatives and provides fodder for comedians for the next 20 years. (Jay Leno is still doing John Kerry jokes somewhere, 8 years after that presidential race.)

My favorite Romney moment so far took place several weeks ago in Michigan. Addressing citizens of his home state, he replied “I love this state,” and “The trees are the right height.” THAT would be awkward for ANYONE to say in general conversation, but this was glorious. (Is there a designated tree height lurking in the depths of Romney’s Windows 95 operating system?) It made me pay attention to Romney more than I had in the last 25 years of the Republican primaries. In fact, it got me to thinking about what Romney would tell voters in the other 49 states. Here’s what I imagined his bits-and-bytes would relay to his mouth-box:

  • Alabama: “You have a lovely state here. The Confederate flag is made of quality thread.”
  • Alaska: “Such friendly people in this state. That Trans-Alaska pipeline is of proper width.”
  • Arizona: “Your state is wonderful. The illegal immigrants are the right shade of brown.”
  • Arkansas: “This is an inviting state to be in. Like your son Johnny Carson, I, too, am burning in a ring of fire.”
  • California: “Such a diverse state this place is. Your gays are just the right amount of gay.”
  • Colorado: “Hey, Colorado! The mile-high club nickname should really be the seven-mile-high club.”

"Ooh-OOH!"

  • Connecticut: “A beautiful New England state, Connecticut is. No hand-holding across the street, straights or gays; it’s the law.”
  • Delaware: “How are you doing, Delaware! Your state is diminutive and adorable.”
  • Florida: “Howdy, Florida! Your humidity is messing with my programming. … I mean, golly, it is ever hot!”
  • Georgia: “Georgia, the peach state! Coca-Cola’s formula is just the right amount of Classic.”
  • Hawaii: “This is one of the most beautiful states in the nation. Your tall volcanoes will power our underground power sources.”
  • Idaho: “Idaho is the backbone of America’s growth. Your Idaho potatoes provide the proper sustenance.”
  • Illinois: “Illinois, the birthplace of Ronald Reagan. Your pizza has a satisfactory a
  • mount of deep dish.”

A satisfactory amount of "deep dish."

  • Indiana: “Ah, Indiana, boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln. That moving picture Hoosiers was satisfactory.”
  • Iowa: “Iowa, the state that can claim John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy! Your Quaker Oats factory creates tolerable oatmeal.”
  • Kansas: “It is great to be here in Kansas! Hattie McDaniel played an appeasing servant in the motion picture Gone With the Wind.”
  • Kentucky: “So wonderful to be visiting the bluegrass state! Your Kentucky Fried Chicken has the right breading.”
  • Louisiana: “Thank you for the warm welcome, Louisiana. Your Mardi Gras celebration is filled with pride and human breasts.”
  • Maine: “It is a joy to be here in Maine. Augusta is east enough to be the most eastern city in these United States of America!”
  • Maryland: “Maryland, your state is beautiful. I am glad that most of your state is not a crime-ridden circle of Hell.”
  • Massachusetts: “Hey, Massachusetts! Your collegiate institutions are effectively propping up your education system.”

The Town townies: making Boston proud.

  • Minnesota: “Lovely Minnesota, home of the 10,000 lakes. Your manufacturing of Spam provides Hawaiians with the cogent amount of nutrition.”
  • Mississippi: “Such a great state, Mississippi. Your Bible-binding plants are keeping the citizens neck-deep in Jesus.”
  • Missouri: “How are you doing, Missouri! The state animal of the mule is a passable mascot.”
  • Montana: “Thank you for coming out, Montana. Your high-speed interstates allow you to get through the state in a quick manner.”
  • Nebraska: “It is a pleasure to be here in Nebraska! Your corn is the right shade of yellow.”
  • Nevada: “Nevada, one of the most western states in these United States. Your prostitutes are industrious.”
  • New Hampshire: “I am grateful for your hospitality, New Hampshire. I am a fan of your alarm clocks.”
  • New Jersey: “How are you today, New Jersey! Your reputation as the diner state is likely the cause of your state’s musky aroma.”

I doubt Jay-Z dines in New Jersey's plentiful diners.

  • New Mexico: “I am in awe of the beautiful deserts of this state. Your sheep are properly shorn.”
  • New York: “It is great to be among you New Yorkers. The skyscrapers have the proper balance of sky and building.”
  • North Carolina: “North Carolina, thank you for that wonderful reception. Your flying machines have propelled Americans through the skies.”
  • North Dakota: “I enjoy your state, North Dakota. Your milk is the suitable beverage for a night out on the town.”
  • Ohio: “It is exciting to be here in Ohio! LeBron James is a quality basketball player.”
  • Oklahoma: “Oklahoma, the state that spawned the popular musical! I enjoy your yield signs.”
  • Oregon: “Thank you for the applause, Oregon. Your beavers have adequate tails and thickness.”
  • Pennsylvania: “Such a hard-working state. Your Hershey’s chocolate is stimulating enough to be a delicacy in small amounts.”
  • Rhode Island: “I am glad to be here in Rhode Island! Your imitation of the Liberty Bell is a tolerable reproduction.”
  • South Carolina: “I appreciate your warm welcome, South Carolina. Your state dance of the “shag” maintains a sufficient amount of touching.”
  • South Dakota: “Thank you for having me, South Dakota. I feel at home at your Corn Palace.”
  • Tennessee: “What a lovely state this is. We will never forget that you held out the longest before seceding from the Union during the Civil War.”
  • Texas: “Howdy, Texans! Your armadillos are as hard-bodied with soft centers as your taxpayers.”
  • Utah: “I feel at home here in Utah! Your high literacy rates are as pure as your natives.”
  • Vermont: “You are a lovely crowd here in Vermont. Your Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has the right balance of “cherry” and “Garcia.”
  • Virginia: “Thanks for your patronage, Virginia. Your peanuts have a distinct nutty flavor.”
  • Washington: “How are you doing, Washington! Your motion picture The Twilight Saga qualifies as a talkie.”
  • West Virginia: “It is a privilege to be here in West Virginia! I enjoy your outdoor plumbing.”
  • Wisconsin: “Wisconsin, the cheese state! Your American cheese is of valid citizenship.”
  • Wyoming: “Wyoming! You are the definition of a state.”
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