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The Book of Statham: The Essence of Statham

Movie star, ex-footballer and sexual conquistador Jason Statham transcends mere categorization. His tough-as-nails persona is a front for his even tougher-as-more-nails inner psyche, crushing the emotional states of the world’s most intelligent minds with a mere thought of them being “tossers.” His machismo is enough to turn America’s red states gay; his sexual charisma whips through vaginae like tornadoes through trailer parks.

Jason Statham, emerging from the "Sea of Fucking"

In other words, Statham is the pinnacle of Stahamnosity.

Thanks to the combined efforts of archaeologists and relics of Variety magazine, we have pieced together accounts of That Which is Statham — translated from stick figures engaging in strongly suggestive content by Stathanmian sociologist “Arran,” himself bold in the boudoir and jet ski arts.

Excerpts from Book XVI:

New York Times Arts Critic Ben Brantly once said of Statham: “That guy makes Charlie Sheen look like the cast of Will and Grace.” Leaving out the fact that Brantly’s comment was in a review of the 2011 theater performance of Macbeth,  Statham’s legendary masculinity was the stuff of love nectar legend.

Statham has had sex with many men, but it was not gay because he was Statham. The world is infinitely pliable to his whims. If he says it ain’t gay, it ain’t gay. When Statham said that being gay wasn’t gay, his words reinterpreted history: the Bible no longer says that a man could not lay with another man, but that man could lay with Statham; history books touted Nazi Germany as the “Sausage Nigels” party; “the gay condition” was known as “Statham Fever”; and actor Tom Cruise rented out his house for Craigslist sex parties.

Statham didn’t really like being subject to regular human labels, but if pushed (something you don’t want to do, of course), he acquiesced to the following:

Gender: Statham
Sexuality: Stahosexual
Religion: Statheism

The one reported case of someone mocking Statham was a teenage internet user that ironically claimed to be a Statosexual. Statham, sensing someone using his name in vain, reached through the user’s smartphone [an ancient form of wireless communication -- Ed.], grabbed him by the neck, punched his penis off (through the kid’s pants) and said “Next time, I’ll deflate all your balls, friend.”

The incident resulted in a change to the Obama Administration’s much-vaunted net neturality rules – ISPs do not have the legal right to filter content through their service, however the Statham Amendment to the bill allows providers to voluntarily block access to anything Statham related in order to protect customers’ safety. Apple was ahead of the curve – Steve Jobs personally blocked the Statham App from the iTunes App Store in order to avoid complaints of iOS devices overloading due to sheer machisimo, while the iOS autocorrect facility automatically changes “Statham” to “state of ham” to avoid the possibility of arousing Statham’s ire.

Excerpts from Book XVIII:

The Statham Amendment would become its own amendment in the Constitution in 2014 after a Senate meeting incident to vote on the changes to the Net Neutrality bill. On the Senate floor, after John Boehner rolled his eyes when reading the motion of the bill to pass, Statham crashed his Land Rover — otherwise known as his “Fuck Truck” — into the U.S. Capitol building, hurtled himself through the windshield at full screen and tackled Boehner, beating him with his gavel until the orange skin tone was removed from his face.

A real-life event filmed for Crank 2.

The Statham Amendment incident was the start of Statham’s involvement in bureaucratic service. Statham immediately removed the Senate and Congress from Washington, leaving the Legislative Branch in the hands of Statham. The Supreme Court, fearing hostile takeover, vacated their spots. President Obama promised to relegate himself to Vice President. (Joe Biden was kept on as Statham’s White House jester.)

The national tragedy was immediately challenged by Statham as a “National Correction.” Fearing similar government incidents, foreign countries enacted similar measures of Statham-blocked internet information to prevent his wrath.

Despite the measures being purely for the safety of the citizenry of the world and not a slight against Statham himself, Statham worked from within the system to remove all restrictions on the world gettings its dose of unchecked, uncensored, grade-A fuckworthy Statham. He had only appeared to support the amendment from the outside because he was bored and felt like a challenge in getting it repealed (“challenge” being a relative term when it comes to Statham; being something which takes him using just 1% of his immense brainpower).
He worked to both undermine and publicly support the Amendment through means of democracy and the power of the vote and…

Just fucking with you; he totally boned Nancy Pelosi.

Excerpts from Book XIX:

The magnificent bonetude of Pelosi gave Statham an immediate dosage of political savvy and knowledge — partially from absorbing Pelosi’s chi and literally blowing her back out. (Pelosi’s spinal fluid worked as a stem cell-like supplement that also gave Statham Pelosi’s past memories and feminine attitudes, which he mentally eradicated from his brain with the thought “I’ll give you five seconds to remove your pussy thoughts.”)

Statham, emerging from the "Fuckorghini"

With decades of political knowledge, Statham managed to uproot all America knew of democracy, running afoul of political friends and foes alike. Political pundits fell into step, praising his name in reverent tones like Gregorian chants.

FOX News [a former broadcast television network for Conservative political propaganda, hosted by retired strippers -- Ed.] was the first, with the cable news leader changing their name to “FOX Statham” and the slogan to “Statham and Balanced.” Glenn Beck, fearing not getting a ratings boost by not having him on his show, offered himself up as a Stahosexual conquest. Statham took that as a challenge, strapping Beck to the hood of his Fuck Truck and driving it around Australian prisons while having a seven-way with the female anchors.

Excerpts from Book XXIX:

After conquering FOX News, Statham took over every single cable news and television network in similar fashion. Americans could not turn the channel without seeing Statham riding his jet ski in Fuck City, yelling and pointing at the sky, or having graphic sex with the WNBA league while shouting “You know you won’t understand it, but it’ll be good practice for me!” CNN became known as Statham News Network. MSNBC changed the meaning of its initials to be “Motherfucking Statham National Broadcasting Company”. Even the Onion News Network changed to “Statham Statham Statham!”

The former country of the United States of America wondered how its airwaves became a haven for Statham porn programming so quickly. Once-professional networks such as CSPAN and MTV4 were reduced to clearinghouses for Statham’s “Fucking from the Fuck Palace” recordings. His bedroom trysts with models and supermodels were top stories on televised news; his bonings of super-duper models were prime-time shows on NBC’s “Must Fuck TV” lineup.

Statham’s book-publishing companies — Statham Books, Lil’ Statham Kids’ Books and Statham’s Adult-Time Monographs — celebrated Statham’s sexual exploits in printed form, with his biography, 20,000 Fucks: Tales from the Set of Crank 2, winning the Mark Twain Award. Statham’s reach extended itself to the internet, with academic and carnal material re-purposed for shrines in his honor.

His reach over all communication channels went unmet for 12 years. Meanwhile, a small group of counterculture radicals, calling themselves “Alarmists to Subvert Statham,” plotted to overthrow their ruler. And the time for revolution was nigh.

The Book of Statham

There are legends, there are myths and then there is Jason Statham.

The star of action franchises like The Transporter and Crank appears to be an invincible powerhouse of tenacity, brute strength and homoerotic machismo that could fuel 10 Top Gun movies. Most people know of him as an actor, former footballer and a man’s man. There is, however, more. Much more, in fact.

Jason Statham, or "Statham."

Jason Statham, or "Statham."

According to official records, Jason Statham was born in London, England in 1972 to human parents. However, he is much more than human. Researchers from Southwest Florida College in Fort Myers, Fla. recently unearthed ancient records that nullify British documentation. An Aug. 13 excavation in the Republic of Cameroon by the scholars, leading researchers in Statham Sciences (the only institution in the world to offer the major) produced the first-known records of modern human beings, with one simply known as Statham. His status, elevated above modern homo sapien, is homo stathian, or “very human.”

The mythos of Statham reaches far back, beyond what his 36 years suggests, for his true life spans time and space. His so-called movies are stark portrayals of his real-life experiences; purported Hollywood special effects and writing mistaken for the reality that surrounds him.

Excerpts from the researchers’ article in scholar journal, Variety Magazine, listed below, were translated from a form of communications derived from stick figures depicting violence and strong sexual content:

Excerpts from Book XIV (estimated to take place in 2013):

Kirk Cameron and (Jason) Statham team up to save the world from Satan. Cameron resorts to prayer, while Statham simply kicks his face in and stabs cigarettes out on his eyeballs. Then Statham breaks Cameron’s neck for being a pussy.

During the pivotal fight with Satan, Statham would then do a slow-motion flying kick into Cameron’s head, causing it to immediately explode and propel his body into Satan’s body, causing Satan to explode. Statham would then flash his smirky smile while having sex with three women on top of the remains of Satan and Cameron.

Statham in the documentary, Death Race, chronicling his leadership regime of Statham.

Statham in the documentary, Death Race, chronicling his leadership regime of Statham.

Then Statham becomes our God and re-writes the Ten Commandments so there’s only one: don’t be a pussy. World peace is rapidly achieved, and there is only violence in the world when Statham feels like fighting ninjas and robots for practice in case of alien invasion.

(Statham) rewrites the commandments by breaking a crying child in half, claiming it was “too muck of a daft pussy to live.”

Excerpts from Book XXII (estimated to take place in 2019):

Six years have passed, with the world enjoying prosperity unlike what it has ever witnessed. Peace remains until a terminator with Arnold Schwartzenegger comes from the future, challenging Statham to a fight for the survival of the world. Statham says, “Let’s Crank this up.”

Statham bends the limits and physics of reality to his whim.

Statham bends the limits and physics of reality to his whim.

Arnold starts to say “I’ll be ba…” but is interrupted by Statham kicking his head off. Peace reigns supreme once more. Statham then rewards the world by inviting everyone to watch him banging Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz at the Colosseum, using the U.S. Constitution as a condom.

While engaging in such lovemaking, he shouts out numerous phrases altered from the condom to have the essence of Statham, including “We the People of the United States of Statham, in Order to fuck a more perfect Union!” and “No hot-ass bitch shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of Staham-grade fuckability, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States of Statham, and who shall not, when erected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which she shall be fucked silly.”

Book XXIII (estimated to take place in 2024):

Statham travels to New York City, now known as Fuck City, and renames the United Nations the United Stathams, with only one member – himself. As head of the Security Council, he then passes a binding resolution declaring “Statham rocks” before blow-torching the building and roundhouse-kicking its smoldering remains into dust, thereby making the resolution impossible to be repealed.

Statham, on his way to overtake the United Nations from Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Statham, on his way to overtake the United Nations from Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Excerpts from Book XXVI (estimated to take place in 2026):

Statham brings his influence to Washington D.C., taking over the Legislative, Executive and Judicial branches by punching every single person in government once, causing simultaneous explosions. He then names the branches Statham, Statham and Statham, names Washington D.C. into Statham, District of Cock-Knocking and reforms the Washington Monument into the shape of his penis (adding material to it, of course).

He also simplifies the lyrics of the national anthem by replacing every couplet with “STATHAM! STATHAM!”, with the music simply being the main riff of “Master of Puppets” over and over again. The inaugural airing of the new anthem is played at the Lincoln Memorial, now renamed the Statham is Awesomeial (and the monument itself is now a statue of Statham fucking Megan Fox from behind), with AC/DC, Slayer and Queens of the Stone Age providing the musical backing while Statham yells the lyrics while greased-up and naked.

Cloned actress Megan Fox, reminiscing about her passionate and overpowered lovemaking with Statham.

Cloned actress Megan Fox, reminiscing about her passionate and awesome lovemaking with Statham.

The footage is aired on every television station on Earth, now simply renamed Statham after Statham took over the U.N., annihilated Osama bin Laden by driving his Audi (from Transporter 3) headfirst into the Afghanistan mountains and fucked Kim-Jong Il in a non-gay expression of power until North Korea exploded in awesomeness. As Statham delivers the State of Statham, he points at the camera to accentuate every point, using quotes from his movies (“You know my fourth rule? Never make a promise you can’t keep,” “Who’s got my fucking strawberry tart?” and “You pair of sausage nigels! How do you sleep at night?”)

Statham, vacationing off the shores of Fuck City

Statham, vacationing off the shores of Fuck City.

Excerpts from Book XXXII (estimated to take place in 2092):

The planet of Statham enters the most prosperous of times in its history. Interstellar threats are thwarted with Statham pointing his penis at the sky and yelling “Massive homo cunt!” He celebrates these many victories by fucking a Maxim hologram magazine movie star/celebrity from the Hot 100 list while the reunited androids of classic rock band System of the Down plays live in the background — one day hoping for their freedom, which may happen when Gabriel Yulaw (depicted in the sci-fi documentary The One by color talkie-film action star Jet Li) beams into the Statham is Awesomeial.

to-be-continued

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