Ah, January. January brings so many things: the hope of renewal in a new year; the NFL playoffs; and last and certainly not least, horrific movies.
January is traditionally Hollywood’s dumping ground for bad movies, that magical time of year where stars like Carmen Electra, Queen Latifah and moonlighting rappers come to play. Such delectable delights like Epic Movie, Big Momma’s House 2 and Slappy and the Stinkers ride moviegoer ignorance to box office windfalls (okay, not Slappy and the Stinkers, as awesome a title it may be). Money grosses are often as low as the quality and threshold of morality/humor these drecks contain, and the customer suffers as a result.
This year, Hollywood is armed and ready to get their groove back, their dance on and their step up. Why, you ask? Because we are being treated to the climatic battle of the shitty dance movies!
In the left corner, we have the gramatically-inept challenger, How She Move. Bombarding idiot teenagers and gluttons for punishment January 25th, this MTV joint takes it to da streetz, where a high school student mourns her sister’s drug-fueled death, forced to leave her rich and preppy private school to face the crime-ridden neighborhood she thought she left behind.
But while suffering through her personal hell, she finds an outlet for her grieving, her pain, her frustration, through a higher power: the power of DANCE. It is through the seedy, gritty world of competitive step dancing that she not only finds the will to carry on, she also finds… herself. And through hyper-kinetic choroegraphy, ADD-addled cinematography and terrible writing and acting, we will also find the theater exit.
In the right corner, we have Step Up 2 the Streets, the sequel to the movie no one asked for in the first place–debuting February 14th, the Valentine’s Day gift that Hallmark wouldn’t even force on customers. Following the events of the first movie–in which no-good ruffian Tyler Gage finds an outlet for his troubled ways through the power of DANCE–the elite Maryland School of the Arts again finds angst and love filtered through its fleeting halls.
Rebellious street dancer Andie tries to fit in with the other students, finding solace–and a “thang”–with the hottest dancer, Chase. Dancing ain’t the only thing gettin’ down on da floor in this flick! ¡Muy caliente!
Which one will win the war of the dance? Which one will be the Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo of 2008? Which one will fade into laughable obscurity with such gems as From Justin to Kelly, Stomp the Yard and Honey? We’ll see when the dust clears.
It’s too bad that while these “films” compete for the eyes of the dumb, we, the discriminating moviegoer, suffer through another set of bad mainstream films while independent fare only get limited releases.
Ah well. Hollywood, continue your sucking!