I figured you out, MSN News: you have realized my low self-esteem. I feel like I can’t get a better news source, one that will respect my wants, needs and intelligence. You put me down by shouting at me with your boorish, loud headlines; your ill-mannered stories and your degrading cries for attention. I can only blame myself for running back to you, if only because I believe your empty promises to change. And then you do things like this:
Tot forced to drink water for drug test – They start younger and younger, don’t they?
Produce can’t stop breast cancer – If doctors can’t and romaine lettuce can’t, WHO CAN?
Why model in video is a ‘Giuliani girl’ – It’s amazing what money and promises of an acting career can do. At least, that’s when they told me… on the casting couch.
Giuliani kinda went cheap on her.
Massive python found in Florida yard – In a related story, I’m back from my vacation in Florida.
Paris planning on follow-up CD – Recording industry planning on follow-up coronary.
Gossip: Lohan wears alcohol monitor – Truth: It exploded after an all-night bender.
Talk back: What’s the price of being fat? – A bajillion dollars… in shame!
Fight over pork at Dunkin’ Donuts – You know I’m Muslim, MSN News! Why must you make me do things I don’t want to—like my last girlfriend? That stuff hurts!
Bionic finger curls its way into future – Coming up next: Bionic penis thrusts its way into alimony payments
Report: Man in courthouse strips naked, grabs for gun – This one is too easy.
Couples who bond through boxing – Would it be domestic abuse if the husband wins?
10 things you should never buy new – The experts are wrong: always buy hookers “gently used.” (You’ll rake in the savings in experience!)
She works cheap, folks!
Study: Boys do ruin school for girls – And proudly! Take that, cootie queens!
Is climate change making whales thin? – Global warming is making whales look FABULOUS!
11 ways to be a more Earth-friendly couple – 7: Stop doing quickies in the Cadillac Escalade; Toyota Priuses get better gas mileage AND have a large cargo area. Score two for Mother Earth!
New type of housing blends condo, home – The “condome” – part single-family home, part domestic-abuse steel cage, all fallible to subprime mortgages
Tuna could still send Ricky Williams packing – Meanwhile, Cod sends Michael Vick to showers
– Whatever you do, DON’T bring up 2007. The medications cleared that up.
– Also, Paris Hilton attracted to intelligence she can’t have
America’s most lustful cities – For those planning the skeeziest vacations, here’s your road map.
How to get a cheap vacation in Spain – Three words: Soy prostitute enorme
Love at first scent? What the nose knows – The perfume lied! She DIDN’T OWN white diamonds!
Texas is biggest polluter – Like obesity and racism, they really do it bigger and better.