There are few things that express our personalities more than our automobiles. When we’re in need to express emotion, we use our horns with varying degrees of pressure. When we are angry, we speed up on other drivers and use our cars in road-rage incidents. When we’re drunk, we swerve all over the road, showing our intoxication.
But all of those pale in comparison to how we decorate the exteriors and interiors of our cars. You can learn much about someone just by their car: their political affiliation; how many kids they have; their maturity level; their hatred of fat chicks.
Here are a few things that are warning signs of the driver behind the wheel:
Remember these? You’ll often see these things in the backs of people’s car back seats, collecting dust like those Lou Bega CDs in the discount music bin, faded by the sun like an albino shut-in. Perhaps a sad symbol of the childhood they’re trying to hold onto, stuffed animals in cars driven by adults are like children draped on Michael Jackson: weird and unsettling. And much like those poor decision makers that sunk their savings into Beanie Babies back in the ’90s, expect the same for the drivers behind the wheel. They won’t be speed demons; in fact, expect to be stuck behind them while trying to get to your destination. If nothing else, get out of their way and avoid the toys’ disconcerting gaze –secretly wanting out of their steel, metal and glass-encased prison.
A classy accessory for a classy individual, Truck Nuts are a reminder for drivers behind them that, just in case the naked girl mudflaps and “Git-R-Done” stickers weren’t a big enough clue, that the man in front of them is a moron. And sexually insecure. And possibly overcompensating for hiding their homosexuality. More than likely, these gentlemen will swerve around and behind you in their lifted trucks, making life dangerous for those around them during their travels. But hey, at least they have a plastic prosthetic waving in the wind behind them, the only balls the owner has.
Angel/Devil Stripper Stickers
Ladies, if you want to know what kind of guy you’re dating, look for these. If you see them, your guy is probably a misogynistic asshat. Like drivers with Truck Nuts, these stickers are a blatant last-ditch effort to remind the world how NOT gay the owner is. Oh, and he doesn’t think much of women either. And he’ll drive like he doesn’t care about anyone on the road. You’ve been warned.
Family Car Stickers
Nothing says “I’ve made poor life decisions” like seeing these stickers on someone’s rear glass of their car. It takes a ballsy person or a self-absorbed one to rub it in other drivers’ faces about their ability to trap someone in marriage and procreate. At least they have a positive purpose: like the terror alert color graph, each sticker representing a kid is a warning level for the incompetence of the driver; one or two kids is nothing to worry about; each one above that is an increasing risk to your life.
Guys, here is your signal that that lady behind the wheel will pose several threats to your health. The pampered advertisement is bad enough; proclaiming yourself a Princess is like covering a third-degree burn with a pink scarf: obviously, you’re trying to hide nastiness with an ugly eyesore. And most likely, the driver will drive like a diva, with everyone “in their way” and wrapping the road around their finger –safety to others be damned.
Old political stickers
Obviously, they don’t care about their car. And they don’t care if their car gets damaged. Fear them, for they won’t care about your car, either.
Anything Hello Kitty
GET. OUT. OF. THEIR. WAY. NOW
These may be broad stereotypes, but it’s all about about having a good laugh at the expense of poor decision makers — at least when you don’t have to drive alongside these people. If you do, heed these warnings. You just might get to your point of destination if you do.