Dear Grossly Negligent Dog Owners:

Hey there!

I know that the title of this may aggressive and harsh, and you might have a valid point. However, hurt feelings would suggest that you are indeed a negligent owner of a dog, and perhaps a grossly negligent one.

Now, I like dogs. When properly trained, dogs can be loyal, gentle and fun creatures. Their warmth, spirit and courage is admirable, and can be a lesson to most humans.

There is a reason that the canine is considered man’s best friend, and man wouldn’t befriend a psychotic beast bent on destruction. And yet, many of you choose to raise — or, to better word it, neglect — your dogs and their well-being to become hellacious demon-spawns of Cerebus and Joseph Stalin.

For example, I present Evidence A:

This is a dog leash. Look familiar? Maybe not. Weird how that works.

The funny thing about dog leashes is that they many things that are funny about them. They are not that expensive; you can get a cheap one for $0.50 online and nearly as inexpensive in stores. They can be found almost everywhere, from Wal-Mart to high-end pet boutiques. For the more discernible shopper, you can buy a leash that matches your own tastes and lifestyle, whether it is NASCAR, religion or sports team:

(Hey Jilly!)

And YET, for the low price, accessibility and customer-friendly designs, I am continually amazed at how many of you do NOT keep your dogs on a leash. Never mind that your dog could run out of your sight, smelling the sun-kissed air of freedom and a better life like my ancestors fleeing the cotton fields, breaking free of its slothful owners for eternity. That same dog, probably as much of a bastard as you, will be more likely to approach and possibly attack innocent humans who were in the wrong place and wrong time.

At best, they’ll merely be annoying pawed on with muddy feet, use your leg like a pervert uses a blow-up doll, or use your body as their personal toilet. At worst, they’ll sink their teeth into them like John Goodman into a live pig.

And you can apologize as much as you want when your dog attacks a stranger for the 500th time. It doesn’t help the argument that you can save embarrassment and potential fiscal troubles by clipping a $0.50 piece of metal and fibers onto your dog’s neck in a matter of seconds. Yeah, I know that you might miss a few seconds of Two and a Half Men, but it’ll be worth it when you don’t have to blame your dog’s actions on “just being excited.”

Or not. If not, can you smell a lawsuit? You smell the foul stench of dog poop, you say? That leads me to my next point:

Evidence B

Not too appetizing, eh? Yes, that comes out of your dog. Yes, it is your obligation to pick up and dispose of. No, it’s not funny when your dog sniffs or eats it.

A few things about dog feces: it spreads disease; unsuspecting animals and children can mistakenly digest it (and any child that would do that has a world of other problems); it smells like a Taco Bell bathroom after a bean burrito sale; it is aesthetically as pleasing as a hairy mole on a baby’s butt.

I can only guess that you people are generous beings, using your dogs as the beacons of your affection. My reasoning for this is the amount of dog crap that litters millions of front yards, parks, streets and convertible cars. In your tragically misguided thought process, these little love gifts may seem like a way of saying, “Hey, stranger! My dog and I LOVE your lawn!” But in the mind of said lawn owner, they are less than amused.

Oh, and you might be thinking, “If I let my dog piss and crap in my own house and yard, I’m doing the world a favor!” YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. See, people like to occasionally visit you and/or family. Someone might drop by to repair an appliance or roof. You might even want to sell your home one day. (Several years ago, when I was condo-shopping one of you assholes abandoned your dog at home, leaving it to crap and piss all over the place, as well as growl so as to not let anyone in.) All of those acts are made less appealing when your home and yard smell and look like Sasquatch got stomach flu. People can smell it, even if you are immune to it for some strange freak reason of science.

Seriously, carry a shopping bag and another one to pick up and dispose of your dog’s shit.

Speaking of crappy things, is there a reason why you people occasionally let your dogs run free with no supervision? I know that you get tired of letting your dogs run loose without leashes all day, crapping all over the neighborhood and pissing on babies. I get it; it’s a hard knock life.

I’ve run across numerous dogs over the years roaming the streets, befriending people and running into traffic. Hell, I even had a dog follow me on one of my walks and all the way to my front door. And all those times, I’ve wondered who owns these pets and why have they not been taken away from their jerk-chain owners sooner.

There is a reason why commercials like THESE exist, no matter how much they trigger a brain aneurysm or 12. It is because of inconsiderate imbeciles that do not properly take care of and discipline their dogs.

I’m sorry if you were offended by these words, and I know how difficult … no, scratch that. Owning a dog is like raising a child. If your offspring was mounting other kids, eating its droppings or biting mailmen, it would be taken away by DCFS faster than a virgin’s first sexual experience.

If you honestly want to be a dog owner, be prepared for the fact that you have to take care of it. If you can’t commit fully, let someone else do it that can. It is a living, breathing animal, and the consequences of your actions will reflect upon the dog and possibly the community. In other words, don’t let your dog run loose and shit all over the place, you LAZY ASSES.

All the best,

A concerned citizen

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