Video Blogs: The New VD

Perhaps it’s my age showing, but I’m finding that I’m becoming more out of step with what passes for pop culture nowadays. Whether it’s the shameful dumbassery of VH1’s Celebreality and why people want to be best friends with Paris Hilton or know about Hulk Hogan and his family, not understanding what the hell Lil Wayne is slurring on about or why people wear slogans on their asses, I’m continually baffled by what passes for the norm. (I’ve admittedly always been aware of the cultural climate, though a step behind in execution.)

However, my friends (because John McCain is old! Get it?!), there is one trend that I not only DON’T understand, I strongly believe is detrimental to the human race as a whole. It is the epitome of self absorption, created by a society so desperately in need for attention and validation, coddled and petted as to be free of wrongdoing that it is like viewing a mirror of the most vain person you could come across.

It is the video blog. And it is the most disgusting, vile creation since two girls decided to share their stomach contents in one cup.

Naturally, this was going to happen. The video blog is the progression of blogs, or “web logs,” as the old-timey internet users used to call their online journals, back in the early ’00s when they used voiceband modems to connect online with “telephone lines” while listening to “Cee-Dees.”With the advances in broadband internet connections, cheaper video devices and the degradation of school education, it was a matter of time before the immature and the vapid would figure out how to press the power button on their camera with their opposable digits.

Do you want to know why these… THINGS… have annoyed me more than FOX News covering The Million Man March? Here’s a good example:

“My News Blog Series (church!)” or: “When My Pharmacist Mixes Up My Meds.”

Seriously, what the fuck is this? Are we supposed to learn something? Are we supposed to donate money towards an anti-drug campaign? I could have made the same video if I wanted to commit a hate crime against myself. Luckily, my parents instilled in me an extra dose of shame.

Those types of videos make up about 75.93 percent* of video blogs. Then, there is about 21.45 percent* of vloggers (barf) that come to the table with topics that might be important to someone; who that person is, I have no idea.

“I’M BACK!” by BloggerMusicMan: the reason that cinematographers exist.

The kid that does these videos feels that he has a viewpoint that people need to hear, and bless his heart for giving it all he’s got. But the message is lost due to a lack of a script, an overwhelming need for attention and a misguided attempt at visual artistry. It looks like he’s filming in a foggy basement. And the “rocking out” head bob looks like he diddlin’ his fiddle. Perhaps he’ll figure it all out in time. Hang in there, kitten!

And then there are the celebrities: celebrity video blogs — because they obviously don’t have enough attention placed on them daily via magazines, TV or internet gossip blogs — make up the remaining 62.76 percent* of this deadly online electronic virus. Because they have something beneficial to contribute, stars like P. Diddy talk about their bathroom habits, Miley Cyrus offers a tour of her “dirty” house for stalkers to take note, and Lil Wayne… well, check out what’s on Weezy’s mind:

Dude’s obviously got something on his mind — which is why he probably cut the blog short.

In some instances, a video blog can take people behind the scenes of anticipated productions, offering up interesting and valuable tidbits of info about a project in the works. These make the effort to bring something unique and fun to the table. Or… they are literally shit.

Folks, this is what we should be waging the war on — not overseas over oil or in the media about who’s a “Maverick” or a “hockey mom.” Rather, it is this virus, the video blog, that is a disease that will consume and bring down our culture. Because a shallow society is one that feels that they are contributing something with nothing. Heck, maybe this blog is a big contribution of nothing. But I at least went through the effort of forming a well thought-out argument that doesn’t have me twitching like I took a crack hit. But maybe that would endear me more to the kids and help me understand High School Musical and music like T-Pain.

* note: 62.53 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.

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