Riding in Cars with Weirdos 2: The Time Machine

There are so many consumer products that express our personalities, from clothing to creepy figurines stored in menageries. One of the most expensive — and therefore most often used — examples of expression is the automobile. Whether it is the decorations adorning the hunks of metal and rubber, to the threat the machine poses on the roads due to its driver, cars are the heaviest and most visible ways people show who they really are.

Here are a few examples of said means of making a statement:

Car Port Holes

Makes your car an even bigger eyesore!

Remember the stately cars of the ’50s and ’60s, awash in chrome like a shimmering pond? Most likely, those Cadillac and Buick luxury yachts of old had port holes, square or circular holes (usually three or four) running along the sides of the car above the front wheels. They signified elegance, power and decadence.

Today, that aire of richness is gone, as you can see these former glories on Chrysler Lebarons, Ford Tempos and Dodge Neons. You can buy them in bulk at your local car supply store or — GASP! — Wal-Mart, giving every wannabe baller the means to show off their fake bling. And like said wanna-balla, they will hog the lanes of the highway, doing whatever they damn well please with no care in the world. And why should they? They have their pimpin’ port holes!

Car Reindeer Horns

Santa’s forgotten reindeer: Volksjackass.

Stressed to find things to accessorize with your cheesy Christmas sweater? How about your cheesy car?! Now you can embarrass yourself AND your family members by dressing your ride like a robotic reindeer of death. After all, your car can’t fight off the whims of the holiday cheer — though some would consider it automobile cruelty — and why should it?

Another reason why you won’t see this monstrosity in the skies with Dasher and Blitzen? Because their drivers are goddamn slow! Best to leave them in the slowpoke lane, lest you want to curse out the owner and unfortunate victim of owner abuse. And why would you? THAT’S not very Christmasy.

Car Bullet Holes

Need to show everyone at your high school or mixed martial arts class how hard you are? Slap some of these babies on your ride and bask in the terrorist fist jabs of respect!

Perhaps some people think of fake bullet holes as speed holes to make their cars faster, and those people would be morons. Also moronic: their affinity for reckless driving. Don’t be surprised to see a few dings alongside those bullet holes, as the car is most likely a hooptie. And if they don’t care about the car and how silly it looks, you should care about your safety that much more.

In Memory Of

Rachel’s ghost hands, trying to escape her tomb.

Want to immortalize a loved one or friend but don’t have the cash for a casket? Then turn your car into a graveyard shrine on wheels with vinyl decals! Yes, companies prey upon the grief of humans with tacky stickers — which people buy! These same people display their grief for drivers to see for years to come! And it’s totally creepy!

And these drivers expect you to care about their car, their lives and their loss — by driving SLOW AS HELL. It’s like they’re driving the hearse to their family member’s grave site, and we’re the grievers in the parade. A few speed holes will get them moving.

Ridiculous Stickers

Such the drinking apparatus for an uptown gentleman!

Comedian Patton Oswalt once said that half of the United States has an I.Q. of 100 and over. Somehow, we’ve allowed those of double-digit intelligence drive 1.5 ton metallic and steel contraptions — let alone decorate them with whatever thoughts their brains rub together like kindling to function.

See the mug above? I saw this statement on someone’s pickup truck a few months ago in vinyl decals. Never mind that the guy probably wasn’t husband of the year; this isn’t the statement you want to show off to potential dates/ex-wives to come. And they will drive like you were coming after them for alimony. So classy!

Brake Nutz

THIS is why the terrorists hate our freedom.

Speaking of classy, this is not that. AT ALL. From the creators of Truck Nutz, those elegant replicas of dangling testicle flesh, comes the most moronic display of male genitalia… for the next six months when something even more stupid comes out.

Yes, when you want to warn people when you are about to slow down, let them focus their eyes on your red, angry glowing balls! Hey, at least someone in that truck will have them!

While these are generalities made at the expense of ordinary people, you have been warned. Be wary and a defensive driver, and you too can live to tell the tales of the weirdos.

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