Stupid MSN News Headlines – May 2009

MSN News, let’s cut the charade: it’s over. It’s been over for some time.

Your brain-melting story headlines and equally dumbfounding content within was attractive at first – sexy, even. But the fire just isn’t there anymore. Things have become stale. There just isn’t any excitement anymore.

I remember when you used to entice my eyes with trite wordplay about fighting over pork at Dunkin Donuts or anything involving Sanjaya; now it’s like you’re not even trying. I mean, look at this stuff you’re trying to pass off:

Watch what’s ahead for stock market – This article suggests that I can see what lies ahead for the troubled Dow Jones. If this is the case, I think this info can be put in better hands – like the U.S. Treasury, for example – instead of the monkey who wrote this headline. Why are the idiots so privileged?!

Woman declared dead; she disagrees – I can imagine the woman shaking her finger at the doctors, perched on a floating cloud in Heaven and shaking her finger with sass… and then realizing that she in Heaven and is dead.

Offended by virtual sex? Get $35 – While the article talks about a Grand Theft Auto settlement, you’d think someone was being recruited for a focus group on their scale of perviness. (Note: 3D models engaging in sex? Kinda pervy.)

Why women regret tattoos more than men – Mmm… sexism. I mean, where do you get off on trying to tell me that men don’t regret lower back tattoos? I mean, immortalizing the lyrics to “Chocolate Rain” where only my lover could see it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I mean… whatever…

Theres nothing sexier than a Japanese childrens mascot.
There's nothing sexier than a Japanese kids' mascot.

Teen surfer describes shark attack – Let’s not mince words: I don’t think there be anything of substance besides, “Whoa… dude… there was, like, this shark… and, like, it was big and… stuff, man…”

Slate: Who owns my trash? – MSN News, are your children from your baby mama writing these headlines? No adult could be in their right mind asking these.

Jubak: Why this recession is scary– Fear-mongering stuff like this is why people don’t trust the media. Good thing that people don’t consider MSN News to be real media.

Extra breasts turn up in the oddest places – Oh, don’t I know it! I know that I’ll be scratching my back and – DAMN! – found another boob!

Are we a new nation now? – Damn you’re so impatient, MSN News! Obama hadn’t even taken office and you want results! It’s like you’re a Republican or something.

Bank of America headed for a breakup? – And they seemed so good together…

In food scare, beware hidden nuts – While this is mostly likely about the salmonella scare earlier in the year, this could also be the lamest pickup line ever.

8 ways to love toast – So wait… are there more ways to enjoy toast besides eating it? Do I want to know where this article is going? Won’t someone please think of the children?!

Wal-Mart to open Hispanic-focused stores – Wow, Wal-Mart is behind the times. I mean, Eskimos are the new hot minority! Where’s their corporate-sponsored racism?

Once you go Eskimo, theres nowhere else to go?
Once you go Eskimo, there's nowhere else to go.

How to be good at falling in love – I like that there is an article telling me how I can manipulate someone’s heart. I guess being a sociopath is okay when it boosts the romance industry.

Why does my sweat smell like cheese? – The eternal question. You might be asking yourself this as we speak, and you would be in your right mind to do so, but it must be a common phenomenon for MSN News to comment on it; that, or the writer is putting feelers out about his problem.

Help: I’m jealous of my hot daughter – Her father used to look at me like that… before the change

Opinion: Beware of this rally – While this story mentions the Dow Jones rebound, it could look like they’re warning minorities to avoid that crowd of people wearing white linens and shouting racial slurs.

How to live your whole life on Facebook – It’s funny when mainstream media tries to understand and articulate new Internet trends. Again, this is MSN News, so this is just sad.

Men’s shorts sale: Save up to 50% – In theory, aren’t people ALWAYS saving up to 50% off shorts compared to pants? AMIRITE, folks?!

Twitter king Ashton Kutcher pranks CNN – I didn’t know that the Twitter social network was a monarchy – if I’m to believe this headline. Also, is this supposed to be awesome that a douchenozzle assbag fooled a news organization? Oh yeah… MSN News… right…

Can someone PLEASE put Ashton Kutcher in a movie so hell stop this Twitter shit? PLEASE? I will pay you.
Can someone PLEASE put Ashton Kutcher in a movie so he'll stop this Twitter shit? PLEASE? I will pay you.

End of the line for poetry? – I didn’t know that the art of poetry, around for hundreds – if not thousands of years – could be referred to in the same way as a once-great athlete:

“You’re best days are behind you, poetry. Why don’t you hang up the spikes, go in the broadcast booth or endorse a lawnmower?”

MSN News, we certainly had our good times, but lately those times have been few and far between. But maybe we can still be friends…

Aww… fuck it. I’m just going to keep coming back to you. Maybe it was my troubled upbringing and shattered family life, but your retarded idea of love is the only type I know.

Let us never fight again…


2 thoughts on “Stupid MSN News Headlines – May 2009

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s