Procreation Licenses

“Stupid and ignorant people should not breed.”

This has long been my viewpoint. For years, I have railed on the deplorable behavior of celebrities like Britney Spears, P. Diddy and Paris Hilton and had the strained hope that they would never have children (Hilton) or stop breeding (Spears, Diddy, anyone on VH1) for the good of humanity. The self-centered antics displayed for the media could only pale in comparison to how they treated their loved ones, so I thought. And the special cases, the Octomom’s and Jon and Kate’s of the world bring about new levels of selfishness, testing of patience (especially in the media) and draining of resources — governmental, societal, personal and financial — with their litters of kids.

The image of Paris Hilton and Jared Leto procreating: NOT HOT.
The image of Paris Hilton and Jared Leto procreating: NOT HOT.

I thought that these children would unleash their own damage upon society, giving little concern for people, property and authority. I figured that a lack of caring by their parents, some too dumb to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancies, for their upbringing and well-being would be a bigger evil than the existence of the the child. I felt that the it was a danger for certain people to recklessly procreate with little foresight to look past the coital act and see the potential 70+ years of a potential child or children that could result.

My solution, often told in a joking matter, was to mandate a license to breed. Like marriage, driver and fishing licenses, I rallied that people should be evaluated and granted the right to hump based on their mental and emotional makeups, damn the ethical and biological issues that this would raise. “Stupid and ignorant people should not breed!”

Oh, Octomom. You helped make the miracle of life into a circus event.
Oh, Octomom. You helped make the miracle of life into a circus event.

But I had an epiphany and a change of heart. A few weeks ago on my way to work, navigating the NASCAR-like highways of Phoenix, Arizona (believe me, it is dangerous to drive here), I saw a minor car accident on the side of the road. The occupants of the damaged autos were standing alongside the cars, looking over the damage. There was concern on their faces. And it hit me: these people were innocents. They were granted the permission to drive by the State, tested to uphold the rules of the road with their knowledge and past experiences. Whatever led to that accident, they had the best of intentions of getting from point A to point B, not wanting to hurt anyone or anything in the process.

And then, in some strange mental leap, I thought about parenting. There are numerous reasons why people get pregnant and have kids, noble or otherwise. Like drivers, these people bring with them life experience and personal perspective — flawed as it may be — and approach procreation and child-rearing in the same fashion. Unless they are a horrific psychopath, I imagine that they have the best intentions with their children in spite of themselves.

At least one of these kids carries the Ed Hardy douchebag gene.
At least one of these kids carries the Ed Hardy douchebag gene.

And like most other aspects of humanity, physical consummation is flawed. Scientific advances (drugs, birth control) have modified our viewpoint to approach and appreciate it as a recreational activity as well as a biological function in creating life. With fears of socialism running amok (hey, Birthers!), the idea of regulating an organic, beautiful act like sex made me realize how hypocritical my thinking was. I wouldn’t want some governing body to decide whether I could create life with someone, so why should I judge others and say — kidding or for serious — that they shouldn’t be able to? I wouldn’t be any better than a bureaucrat bent on power through scare tactics — and that would just be silly.

So celebrities, societal leeches and majority of Twitter users, go forth and do the deed. You have one less person to judge you. Don’t slack on the personal accountability, though. Someone else that holds a position of government power could take that right away.


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