More Thoughts on Race and Online Dating

A few weeks ago, I blogged about a recent OKCupid! blog about race factoring into member preference in dating. I felt that while the methods of data measurement were suspect, it opened up an interesting dialogue on racial relations and preferences in America post-Obama election.

Oh, America.

Too bad that these conversations are few and far between, as we continue to see a blatant prejudice in partner preference. In my occasional strolls online, I waded through the gutter known as the Craigslist Personals. And boy, there were some doozies that made me want to bite kneecaps.

For example, a coffee lover wrote:

I’m spending the day relaxing and regrouping. Later in the evening, I’m planning on going to one of the several Starbucks in town. And I wouldn’t mind some company that could lead to a friend with benefits and/or something more situation.

I’m a small full-figured black woman who has a job, no kids or drama, my own place, and my own car. I could just use the occasional company of a single WHITE male between the ages of 30-48. (I seem to have a thing for engineers, so that could be a bonus for you.) I work 2nd shift, so it’s sometimes hard to meet a non-Wal-mart employee and a man that is willing to make an effort to keep up an easy situation.

So I look forward to hearing from you. Please include a picture.

Damn. At age 29, I barely missed the cut-off for her requirements. Also, I’m not WHITE.

I know that people have their ideal partner picked out in their minds, but most mask their racial hang-ups behind polite remarks about “having conservative values,” “thinking that Tucson, Arizona is too liberal” (true story) and similar treats.

I think that the next online dating ad I write will weed out unwanted correspondences by including that I seek a “single female with GYNORMOUS HOO-HOOS.” After all, having big ol’ breasteses automatically means that a woman is infinitely more desirable and therefore better as a human being than someone with only decent breasticles.

You can replace the breast talk with race, and this analogy still applies.

Hey, speaking of race (STILL? I know, impatient reader. I’m almost done.), here’s another shining pillar of humanity wondering where all the sexy tall black men at:

I am trying to find out where all the sexy black men hang out. I am looking for a black man that embraces his roots and is not trying to act white. A man that can get down at the club and rub up on me or just chill and watch a game. I like a man that knows what he wants and goes after it.


Let’s break this down:

1. I am trying to find out where all the sexy black men hang out.

Looking on Craigslist for the super-secret hang out of the sexy black men is the first mistake. At best, you’ll find a moderately decent black man, and they sure as hell won’t divulge where the sexy black man clubhouse is. (Hint: it ain’t in Scottsdale, where this person lives.) Second, thinking that there is some forest meadow where sexy black men frolic is the most ignorant thing I’ve read in some time — and that includes the racist Louisiana judge with “piles” of black friends. I honestly hope she finds this mystical fairytale of a black man bordello, and is kicked out on her face.

2. I am looking for a black man that embraces his roots and is not trying to act white.

I am punching a pillow as I write this. It hurts. SO MUCH.

Watch out, Beyonce! White-acting brotha be wantin' the white meat!

I am curious about what constitutes these “roots” that are so desperately in need of embracing. Considering that the person asking thinks there is an invisible fortress where black men are bringing sexy back, I would guess that these “roots” include the common images of black men that they probably internalize: being straight-up gangsta and acting hard, using slang as the main form of communication, dressing in such ways that a crazy-ass white person wouldn’t dress, and having a comical hatred for the white man.

I’ve dealt with ignorant people that had ill-conceived ideas of black people my whole life. From kids wondering why I didn’t listen to rap music, to being mistaken for British because I pronounce my words, I’ve had my own uphill battle with those that grouped black people by media-forced images. Some of my friends have joked with me about this. I’ve had black peers in junior high and high school pretend to be my friends while hurting me emotionally and physically, making me the butt of their jokes. Even my ex-girlfriend (a Hungarian woman) made an unfortunate “joke” about me acting white despite being black. Her comment hurt more than nearly any other, as I gave her my love and trust, and got an ignorant comment in return.

And then there are those that have called me that delightful n-word simply based on the color of my skin. Those were the worst experiences of all.

So these “roots” are those that can never be escaped. As for black men that “act white?” That is an unfortunate viewpoint of a person so shallow, ignorant and with little insight, it magnifies the problems that we ALL face as a culture — not just the black community, which has a deep-seated problem with putting down people of their own heritage due to low self-esteem brought on by self-hatred from themselves, their families, friends, the black community and negative stereotypes. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

You want a black man who won’t “act white.” How about you stop acting like a bigot?

3. A man that can get down at the club and rub up on me or just chill and watch a game.

Is that all black men are good for — grinding on your dumb ass at the club or enjoying sports? Well, DAMN MASSA! Break out the leash, because I wants to please you at the club, MISS! I loves me some basketball, miss! I don’t have the insight to enjoy other activities that require mental or physical exertion besides putting that orange ball through the hoop! Oh LAWD!

Seriously, get out more.


4. I like a man that knows what he wants and goes after it.

Does this include a sexy black man that knows that he wants a 40-ounce and steals it? Because based on this shit I’ve been reading so far, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I would LOVE to see the responses this Craigslist ad gets, especially if it’s one of these imaginary sexy black men that congregate in secret, waiting to be found by dim-witted women from Scottsdale that hate those white-acting Negroids.

This stuff is why race will continue to be an issue in dating — let alone American society — for a long time to come. While it’s good to weed out the racist idiots for what they are, the prevalence for such attitudes — and the brazen confidence to display it openly — shows that we are far from the racial progress some people believe we have achieved because a black man is president of the United States.


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