I was browsing Facebook on a Sunday morning when I stumbled onto an advertisement that defied logic for many reasons. Like alcohol sales, this should have been locked down until at least 10 a.m.:
I wasn’t aware that Facebook allowed companies to sell vagina-decorating products to preteens and idiots distracted by shiny things. There are so many things baffling about this ad that it deserves to be broken down (the lack of punctuation in this ad will be spared):
Enough with making up words that even a child wouldn’t say. I know that television train-wreck Grey’s Anatomy popularized the word va-jay-jay (along with cultural milestones/retardants McDreamy and McSteamy) to cutesy up the more clinical-sounding vagina, and that is only the tip of the iceberg of my hypothesis of American culture regressing in maturity.
If we’re going to talk truths about gussying up the downstairs, be upfront and don’t call it “Vajazzling.” It may not capture that critical moron customer base, but it will lend any fleeting credibility to your business of vagina icing. And the use of a Facebook ad to sell the service is like watching a Jay Leno monologue: It is a punchline you see coming a mile away, and yet the results still elicit pity.
My quandary is why — WHY — the craft hobby of bedazzling — long the pastime of girls and Disco Stu — is now being farmed out to beauticians in the art of scorching the lady-Earth. Do they want their genitals to feel like royalty? Do they want the pick-up line of men being able to see themselves in the woman’s pants (via Windex) to be partially true because of the shine? Is there some subset of Cosmopolitan readers that believe that blinging their lady-bits will lure men into their love caves? (BTW, that is the type of man you DON’T want spelunking in your love cave.)
I am not a woman (I just checked to be sure; pass!) so I can’t pretend to understand the thinking behind embellishing the baby-maker, and I know that piercing genitals is already out there. I don’t understand why adorning one’s vagina needs to be done with Sawarovski crystals. Do they need to center their chi? Is Spencer Pratt of The Hills behind this shit? I haven’t heard of men giving their junk tribal tattoos — though who knows what UFC marketers will do next — or testicle necklaces, so clearly we are the more simple sex.
3. REALLY? “VAJAZZLING”?
Who would say this with a straight face besides a Grey’s or E! viewer? Seriously.
If you know anyone that even considers getting their vagina Vajazzled, ask them if the waxer also hermetically sealed their genitalia. I’ve backed off my stance on procreation licenses, but these people really should not breed. (Some will slip through, and we can only hope those children won’t do too much societal damage.)
The only reason I can see for getting a Vajazzle is if you are a stripper. Sure, the sight of a nude woman should be enough for the dollar bills to fly, but perhaps that classy combination of clear-heeled shoes and vagina crystals will “make it rain.”
Getting a Vajazzle is like wearing a Git-R-Done t-shirt: You are willfully letting people perceive you as not having competent thinking skills. If that is your goal, congrats! My magic 8-ball predicts some Sawarovski crystals in your future. Git-R-Done.