We’re Running out of Prejudices!

A few months ago, I was boarding an airplane to Chicago. I spotted a window seat, vacant in the sea of people wedged into the cramped quarters, and asked an elderly lady if anyone was sitting next to her. She obliged and let me slide into the empty chair. Relieved, I stretched out as much as I could; I didn’t pay the extra fee for an additional 1/2-inch of legroom, after all.

The woman looked over at me and leaned very slightly into my imaginary space barrier, so she obviously had something important to say. With a serious look in her eyes, she said, “I’m glad that you’re not BIG.” She then lost all sternness and chuckled delightfully — probably imaging the horror and discomfort of having to sit next to someone that was  — GASP! — “big.”

Hearing this, I thought to myself, “You know, I’m glad that we Americans can degrade heavyset people so openly!” After all, modern society is taking all of our prejudices away — let alone the COUNTRY. When that one lady at a Town Hall meeting cried out “I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!” she was really pleading for a return to good old fashioned bigotry, all out in the open — as white and pure as the freshly fallen snow in Aryan Germany before those damn ethnic Jews riled up Hitler and the Nazis. (I mean, the GALL!)

Fat people take up our space, breathe up our air, cram in our airplane seats and look at my food all hungrily! It makes me feel like a piece of meat that they will most likely eat in two bites! It is GREAT that we still have the power to mock the fat.

Americans are forced to hide their hatred and ignorance behind big words like “experience,” “birth certificate” and “Tea Party,” and dang nab-bit, that’s not the America I grew up in!

I… remember a time, when I was a boy… when people were friendly to each other, knew their neighbors, and sprayed African-Americans with water hoses as powerful as jet engines! They weren’t forced to be “politically correct” and not talk about how a woman’s place was in the kitchen. You can thank the liberal media for that!

We are only displaying our natural instincts for being uncomfortable with things that are unnatural and scary. IT IS HUMAN NATURE. I mean, who wants foreigners getting in the country, mixing with our women and making good for themselves? IT’S UNNATURAL, AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

I’m sorry… I’m just getting so upset right now.

That’s better.

So now we’re not allowed to express our discomfort with non-Christians, people that look like terrorists, the Chinese, and NOW they want to take away our right to poke fun at fatties? THAT’S not the America I want to live in. NOT AT ALL.

*takes in a breath*

America, we need to reclaim our repugnances. We need to shout out, “I am an AMERICAN, and I will not let you in my Old Country Buffet!” We need to SHAME those that are different and have the audacity to not be in a society-defined shape. We need to make people WANT to replicate the lifestyle choices that get models like Kate Moss on magazine covers, movie stars in box office smashes like The Bounty Hunter and Couples Retreat, and teenagers like Miley Cyrus being American success stories! We’re losing our way!

Like that woman said, “I want my country back.” America, I want my country back.


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