When Pop Culture and Old-Timey Mascots Meet

Marketers have a hard lot in life at times. Imagine working for a company that represents old cartoon characters that no one has cared about since 1967, and they want to remain relevant for some reason. How do you make licensed properties from your grandparents’ childhood appeal to the Big Mac Snack Wrap-eating, love-cave Vajazzling, Twitter-addicted generation? By committing acts like this unspeakable crime:

This makes total sense. Because when I think of the cultural cesspool known as Jersey Shore and its breakout star/walking-billboard-for-abstinence Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, I think of an animated cat from the silent film era. I mean, it’s totally easy to make that leap.

Por ejemplo:

And…

Generation gap: BRIDGED.

So I thought to myself, “If the grifters that sold K-Mart on selling these shirts can make money, maybe I can do it, too!” Here are some of my designs (NO STEALING!):

  • People love zombies. Why not capitalize on the success of the TV show The Walking Dead and Left 4 Dead video game series with a t-shirt marrying the undead and the cartoon bimbo that long SHOULD have been dead? I give you:

  • Are you familiar with rapper/producer/Twitter-abuser Kanye West? NO?! Well, a long irrelevant, yet somehow famous mascot will catch you up to speed on the last year for this young man’s cultural cache:

No need to crawl out from under that rock now, creepy Disney fan!

  • Hey, maybe you’re a teenage girl that loves trashy teen novels and has a grandparent with too-fond memories of the Great Depression. Get ready for THIS awkward icebreaker on Christmas morning:

I, too, loved the Popeye cartoon, Yo Popeye! from the early ’90s.

  • Maybe you’re a 30-something woman that has more cats than friends. And maybe your great-aunt thinks that you like D-list celebrities embarrassing themselves in the same way that FOX News commentators and viewers long for “the good old days” that never happened. Don’t be surprised when you get this for the Yankee Swap:
Answer: NO.

Tacky? Yes.

Nonsensical? Yes.

Potential for profit? YES.

Maybe the marketers are onto something. After all, they sold people on Shake Weights, and that is the most sexually explicit exercise aid/paperweight since the Thighmaster:

In other words, I’m preparing to print money.

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