Hitting 30 years of age used to be a grave marking, considering that the average lifespan of humans back in the BJ (Before Jesus) days was roughly that amount. Of course, their life force was being sucked dry by running from dinosaurs and dealing with nagging cavewomen — AMIRITE, GUYS? — so hitting 30 was like cheating Death at a game of Halo or something just as ridiculous.
Now that the average American’s life expectancy is 78 years — I count Wikipedia as a wholly relevant information source, EDUCATION SYSTEM — and rising/falling, considering 30 to be over the hill is now as silly and pointless as E! network’s Golden Globes coverage. It is considered an American tragedy if someone dies before 30 – like 9/11 or the fatal Charlie Sheen hotel party you know is coming.
That said, while your youth-chasing aunt might overuse quips like “40 is the new 30!” or “[blank] is the new [blank],” you are still a grown-ass adult. There is a strange gap of time that some people in their 20s and 30s inhabit – not a girl, not yet a woman. While some occupy their time with continual love-cave exploration, kickball games and growing molestaches (HIPSTERS), others are pushing for careers and dealing with offspring from their failed 16 and Pregnant bids.
Essentially, I’m saying people disguised as adults do some stupid things. Therefore, Genial Black Man is here with a list of things not to do once you hit your 30th year on this here Earth. Some of these apply to guys, others apply to women, and a select few apply to a third, genderless minority. And if you see your friend’s mom wearing UGGs, you have permission to tap her head with a printout of said list.
30 No-Nos After 30
- Do not wear a backwards baseball cap unless you are imitating ’70s era Carlton Fisk or have earned license to wear it ironically. Even fratboys tilt their hats to the side nowadays.
- No more eating cake frosting out of the can. You’re 30; it’s time to start making it from scratch.
- Stop hanging truck nuts from your car. No one believes that you actually have balls.
- Leave the pink cellphones and other rose-hued items to your daughters. Look at Jessica Simpson: she’s a sad sight.
- Leave the overly baggy t-shirts and pants to the kids. Hell, don’t even encourage THEM to do it.
- Wine coolers are no longer okay to drink. Graduate to bourbon like an adult.
- Stop having pictures of you and your pets in dating profile pictures. People think you’re dressing them as babies and cradling them while you cry yourself to sleep.
- Socks and sandals are not okay at any age. I don’t know why. They just aren’t.
- Showing your washboard stomach in pictures is not awesome. You look like you have nothing interesting to say.
- Posing for pictures with pouty lips is not hot. You’re stretching your frown lines.
- Pie and cake are equally delicious. Arguing about it is pointless: THEY’RE BOTH SUGAR AND BREAD.
- It is now even sillier to identify yourself as a geek or a nerd. Let the high school jocks reassert their taste-maker role.
- Playing kids’ schoolyard games makes you look immature and possibly crazy. Unless you’re being paid millions of dollars. Then have it.
- Being a Twilight mom/dad(?) is creepy and should be illegal.
- Despite the marketing, Tommy Bahama clothing is not okay at any age. Wear some Banana Republic clothing to the Jimmy Buffet concert.
- Put away the coonskin cap, crown hat or other winter-type hat that you’re wearing ironically. You’re wearing the late aughties trucker hat.
- Stop reading US Weekly magazine. Those celebrities are paying millions for surgery to not be like you.
- Insane Clown Posse concerts are now a sadder place to be. There are Craigslist postings to seek out similar misogynistic, racist and homoerotic thrills.
- Your body can no longer handle eating an entire cake in one sitting. That’s what refrigerators and saran wrap are for.
- Unless you on a professional sports team roster or attending a game, wearing a team jersey in public is sad. It’s like wearing a velvet clown portrait on your body.
- Using acronyms in everyday situations is immature and lazy. If not getting a parking spot makes you say FML, exchange yourself with someone from a third-world country. Don’t say LOL. LAUGH LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
- If you remember when you wore jelly shoes and leggings when they first came out, don’t wear UGGs. You can’t get your youth back, MILF wannabes. (BTW, jelly shoes: the Crocs of the ’80s — except less comfy. Ladies?)
- Having a mattress on the floor, though comfortable, screams house-squatter. Elevate your sleep game and buy a bed frame.
- Wearing bling is best left to rappers, athletes and others without fiscal responsibility. Kanye can pay to remove his diamond teeth; it might bankrupt you.
- Ed Hardy-branded anything should never be worn or bought. Failure to comply will warrant a “DOUCHEBAG” stamp on your forehead in permanent ink.
- Giving your car and/or home a themed makeover screams arrested development. Music producer Jermaine Dupri can deck out whatever he wants in Tweety Bird gear because we KNOW he’s a manchild.
- Spiking your hair is like wearing a penis costume: we all know you’re a dick.
- Getting blackout drunk on the regular is no longer cute or experimenting. It’s a cry for intervention and/or rehab.
- Wearing skateboarding/snowboarding/extreme game clothing or branded gear is as useful as couch potatoes wearing jerseys.
- Crocs? AW HELL NAW.
While this list may read like the local call-in newspaper section from a resident geezer, they represent immature behaviors that children enjoy. Take responsibility for your age, clutch your man- or lady-parts and sack up. As comedian Hannibal Buress says, “You step your LIFE up.”