The Bed Sheets of Creeps

Let’s say that you’re a man or woman of procreating age and you’re looking to woo your lover between the covers in the boudoir. Rather than leaving your mattress as bare as the flesh you hope to mount on top of your beloved, you decide to dress your bed in something more… erotic.

What best says your intentions for the evening without being remotely subtle about your goals and lack of taste? Well, there is a product for you!

The iconic Playboy bunny logo warns you about the owner’s lack of pop culture knowledge, and the gaudy combination of gold backing and black and lettering would make Donald Trump blush. The matching pillowcases have only seen use by one head, and I’m willing to wager that it is not that of an airbrushed Playmate.

In the event that you do indeed con someone — willing or otherwise — in your bed, complete the bed dressing with other Playboy products for the full-on creep factor:

  • Drench yourself in Playboy cologne and/or perfume:

  • Prepare for an evening of steamy, hot, awkward almost-sex with the Playboy energy drink:

  • Get your motor revving with a nature-defeating boner via the Playboy Viagra Capsule:

  • Wrap your medically-enhanced tool with the Playboy condom:

  • Count down the seconds until premature ejaculation with this Playboy watch:

  • Then burn the evidence of another ruined sexual tryst with the Playboy BIC lighter:

And once the remains are buried, cap off the night, like most nights, by your lonesome with Playboy’s No Boys Allowed 4 DVD:

I’m not saying that Playboy bed sheets will doom you to a life of empty promises and lack of carnal fulfillment, but… well… just don’t buy them. I’m looking out for you. Trust the Genial Black Man on this one.

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