Men around the world have a series of social norms that dictate their behavior regarding interaction with other men. These rules, often unspoken, are gender-specific and universal across the particular society, no language, culture, race, religion or creed. As I am an American (realness of said Americanism is under review) and a man, I can speak to a few of our guy rules, often known as “Guy Code,” “Man Law” or “Bro Code.” And they’re all steeped in homophobia.
WHAT? you ask incredulously. (I’m pretending that you asked this incredulously.)
Yep. “Guy Code” is a bollocks-infused, dookie-fortified set of tenets to ensure that men do not engage in behavior seen as gay by society. Do a web search — or use Google, you lazy lazersons — and find any supposed guy/bro/man code/rule. And then think about them; REALLY think about them in a perverse way.
Guy Code is the result of repressed emotions, an effect of a male-dominated society programmed to bottle vulnerability and other feelings seen as weak, to present a tough, brooding exterior that is a WARRIOR! It’s a goofy expression of the caricature known as masculinity. They represent the chasm between a “guy” and a real man.
Almost there? Good. I’ll now sketch you a word drawing with my mind pencil:
- When at the movie theater with another man, you must have one empty seat between both men. (via http://itsguycode.com/theguycode/181-the-guy-code.html)
This one is funny. Never mind the fact that approximately 2–6 inches of metal, fabric and wood may separate your two seats or the lack of seats in some areas (like an airplane), dudes freak out about the idea of another guy being that close to another. But, oh no, what if strangers see you and your buddy sitting less than a foot away from each other?! What if your other friends notice you and your bro sitting civilly next to each other watching the screen/event in silence?!
It’s not like strangers will care longer than a second if they see two unfamiliar guys sitting next to each other. It’s not like your real friends would suspect that you and your male friend are a couple because there is an armrest separating you. And it’s not like someone you’ve known for years would suddenly place their hand on your crotch, put your penis in a vice grip and sexually assault you. I mean, COME ON.
- Bros before hoes. (via http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/golden_rules_manhood.htm)
- Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. (via http://www.blamonet.com/vb/showthread.php/139276-Official-MAN-laws.)
- Thou Shalt Not Move Thy Girlfriend In (via http://www.ranker.com/list/the-10-commandments-of-man-law/litgoddess?page=2&format=BLOG&sortby=&sortdir=)
The idea that a bro needs space to be a bro is silly in itself and doubly so if your friends are against your girlfriend moving in. It also points to subconscious jealousy and potentially lingering feelings that zombie Freud would clap with delight over.
- It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control (via http://www.blamonet.com/vb/showthread.php/139276-Official-MAN-laws.)
- If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her. (via http://www.liquorwits.com/code.html)
This one is one of the creepiest, though its baseness is easy to identify. The idea of one of your friends or coworkers fornicating with your sister may offend you for several reasons: wanting to protect the pureness of your sibling; knowing your friend is
hitting that”; being grossed out by imagining the carnal nature of the act involving your friend and your sister…
Imaging another man naked is an absolute no-no for so-called heterosexual bros. Guys downplay the intimate connection of friendships, and to rip back the masculine, overly macho facade of male relationships reveals the literally naked reality of intimacy that men try to shrug off. This image, combined with it taking place with a flesh-and-blood family member is akin to your brain intentionally forgetting traumatic events — like a murder or that one popular Chumbawumba song.
Oh, and the fact that it’s the idea of your bro having sex with someone one chromosome away from your own is like they’re almost having sex with you. That’s a big one.
That is just scratching the big, homophobic itch of so-called rules governing “manly” behavior. Some situations (the movie theater, the urinal) apply when in certain situations; I don’t expect one stranger sit/stand next to another in an empty movie theater or row of 2+ urinals/stalls. Those forget that the definition of being a man is being responsible and mature. But their infantile logic and comical execution provide entertainment for enlightened man comfortable with themselves. Keep ’em comin’, BROS.