New Op-Ed Column: EAT POOP!

One of my passions is sports. Specifically, I watch ESPN daily, much to my chronic, increasingly painful annoyance. And one of the worst things about ESPN’s anchors is their fondness for catchphrases, which I assume power their egotistic, immature, robotic-cadenced, teleprompter-reading stink mouths. This has culminated in their 54-hour show Sunday NFL Countdown.

Among the immeasurable pats on the back and self-serving laughter at their own jokes, co-hosts Keyshawn Johnson and Mike “Coach”* Ditka have segments where they criticize players, coaches and game highlights. Coined “Come On, Man!” and “Stop It,” both are free of nuanced, rational critique and stuffed with one-sided rants with no wit, rhyme or reason–much like a YouTube video of a barking dog–and, of course, the catchphrase (“Come on, man!” or “Stop it!” from which their segment is coined.

Basically, my long-winded intro shows that people can say what they want without backing up their opinions with things like facts or logic; all you need is a snappy, easy-to-remember string of words. And I’m looking to get in on that action. (Free blogs don’t pay the bills.) So I’m introducing my new column, “EAT POOP!” that deals with current events in a nonsensical, thought-free way.

  • Mustache-twirling global bank Bank of America is dropping its plans for a $5 debit card use fee, citing its unpopularity with customers. A soulless corporation decides to reverse an unfavorable plan and will likely spin it as doing a favor for its constituents?

  • Water-torture television show Family Guy talks about domestic abuse by trying to make fun of it. A Seth MacFarlane show  reaching beyond its doll-arm limits, and with controversial subject matter to boot?

  • Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment by two women. TWO? Whatever happened to the days of making your enemies disappear?

  • Global stock markets are volatile on Greece’s potential bankruptcy. Why is Greece broke? Don’t they earn enough from olive oil and My Big Fat Greek Wedding residuals?

  • The NBA is still locked out after more than 120 days. That’s as long as a single baseball game!

  • Peanut butter prices are skyrocketing. What will perverts rub on their genitals for their dogs to lick?

If you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the next installment of “EAT POOP!” email me at eatpoop@gmail.com. I’ll do my best to give a care.

* What is the deal with former coaches in the commentating field being called “coach”? They aren’t former U.S. presidents; put the past behind you, jerkwads.

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