With another year coming to a close, we are nearly a year away from the Apocalypse®. In thinking about our pending, ultimately untimely deaths, I thought it would be good to reflect on life–specifically mine. (Hey, YOU’RE reading MY blog.) And in the spirit of giving (more than a month overdue; sorry), I will disclose some of what makes me me. (It’s why you read my blog!)
I present to you 7 random facts about me:
- I watch ESPN despite hating it–and myself by proxy.
It didn’t used to be that way; I started watching the sports network in grade school (probably about age 10) for SportsCenter–back when the quips were tolerable and they actually showed sports highlights. (FACT I MADE UP: “Remember when ESPN used to show sports highlights?” will be the new “Remember when MTV used to show music videos?”) But now the network is a messy diaper of bloated NFL coverage, idiotic and immature anchorpeople and commentators, 22 hours a day of turgid SportsCenter replays with idiotic and immature anchorpeople and commentators, and chunks of corn.
And yet I watch.
And hate myself.
AND MAYBE cry.
- I also watch E! network despite hating it–and myself by proxy
I’ve talked about how there are more quality shows on the network than brain cells in the channel’s average viewer that gets their world news info from E! News. And yet I CAN’T STOP WATCHING.
Sure, I come for The Soup and its snarky takedown of pop culture, but I stay for the inept emptiness of the Kardashians and how they are some of the most horrible humans that profit from a sex tape. (Interesting info: did you know that Kim traded some of her wedding presents for Rolexs to gift people? ASSHOLE!)
It’s that sultry mix of horrific acts and vapid white noise that lingers on my television while I surf on the internet. And it makes my soul weep.
- Speaking of asses, I can be somewhat shallow
I am not one to objectify women on the regular, but when a girl walks by with an itty-bitty (or larger) waist and puts a round thing in my face, I say “GOD DAMN!” (I say this in my head, by the way; I ain’t no fool.)
I won’t lie: I like-a the booty–and poor Italian accents. True story: while in Japan, I sang a song I made up about the butt while walking down the street, comforted that no one understood my English. (I’m not proud of this, but Vacation Genial Black Man does things that Home Genial Black Man wouldn’t do on American soil.) That said, it’s not the size of the butt but the size of intelligence that backs that thang up. And the apple ain’t as sweet when the core is empty or rotten. (I just made that up; trademark to come.)
Anywhozzle, now that I’ve offended Italians, Japanese and other people with moral compasses, let’s drop more truth bombs.
- I like to shop for clothes
If my Man Card hadn’t already been revoked, I would have kept this a secret. But it’s true. I like to find wardrobe pieces that make me feel more confident and visually appealing. My mom knows me well enough to gift me Banana Republic gift cards for Christmas to let me do what I do. And I’ll hit up that place and many others to find the ideal article of clothing that fits the mental image that I have. It’s the thrill of the hunt and the resulting kill that do it, and I dig it.
Speaking of the thrill of the hunt…
- When I get to shopping, I get down to business
I became aware of my narrow-focused, take-no-prisoners approach yesterday and I once again acknowledged my dorkiness: as I entered the Gap, I mentally rubbed my hands together and thought (in an Al Bundy voice) “Let’s party.” And my idea of a party was searching for a long-sleeved polo and a long-sleeve knit shirt. (It’s how I get down.)
And when I find something that fits the bill…
- I quote a comedian
When the right piece of clothing fulfills the wardrobe, I mentally hear the words of comedian Marina Franklin rattle through my head: “Shake-a-dang-dang.” Sounds like gibberish, yeah? Here’s the inspiration:
So if you see me in a checkout line, I’ve probably already mentally quoted a comedian that satirized stereotypical black female comedians.
Aren’t you glad that I rarely pull back the curtain on my life? Oh, it gets better.
- Good/interesting/shocking moments in life are met with one of three reactions
Remember how I said that I mentally respond to things by obscenities or quoting comedians? Those are two of the three ways my special brain responds to outside stimuli. Here’s the rundown:
- I say “GOD DAMN!” when I am attracted to an appealing gluteus maximus OR see an outrageously-priced item.
- I say “Shake-a-dang-dang” when I find something I like.
- (NEW ITEM!) Moments of celebration are mentally greeted with a Barry Bonds home run swing. (Yes, steroid-abuser Barry Bonds. Dude had a powerful-yet-graceful swing.) Here’s a (disgraceful?) example:
So if you see my blank gaze, I have one of three images playing like a YouTube video in my brain. I don’t know why I shared this.
Now that you know a bit more about the cogs behind ye old blog, I’ll expect readership to drop… now. It’s been a fun ride. Hey, 2012 will be plenty of fun until Dec. 21, anyway. Blogs won’t be important after that, AMIRITE? Hooray for being upbeat!