Tyler Perry’s Upcoming Films

Playwright/writer/director/actor/media mogul Tyler Perry is a success story for the do-it-yourself spirit of America. His plays, films and television shows about the black experience, mixed with homespun wisdom and religious overtones, have a devoted following long untapped by Hollywood. And he has stretched his talents and influence into many entertainment sectors that will reach wider audiences for years to come.

Separated at birth

While critics and cynics have derided Perry’s works (and rightly so; have you SEEN a Madea movie?), few can argue about his draw power. (And this is despite unfathomable “sitcom” dreck like Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse, the multi-camera, laugh track-free “comedy” that mixes pathos and Borscht Belt writing until they separate in an unfunny concoction like oil-based salad dressing.) But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a recipe to his art:

  • Mix overwrought soap opera writing with plots not out of place on a police blotter
  • Add a few cups of shallow characterizations of weak-willed and/or rage-inspired women and lazy/violent and/or perfect black men
  • Get somewhat forgotten or somewhat lacking actors to play roles
  • Throw in a few pinches of slapstick comedy
  • Put Tyler Perry in there somewhere(!!!!!!!)
  • Beat in at least one character used as a cipher specifically to drum religion into the audience’s heads until bloody
  • Sprinkle a dash of a character/characters longing for the society and parental styles of past generations
  • Pour a few teaspoons of shoddy direction (include odd, ’60s-style Batman camera tilts) and porn-influenced music always softly in the background
  • Stir until offensive
  • Get Lionsgate’s marketing department to promote it as a comedy despite being as depressing as 10 baby funerals

Since there seems to be a blueprint to making a Tyler Perry joint, I figured that I could create a few of my own. So I present… TO YOU… future Tyler Perry movies!

  • Tyler Perry’s ‘Til Death Do Us Part
Woo‘s Jada Pinkett-Smith, A Different World‘s Jasmine Guy, and Bobby Brown head an all-star cast in a charming romantic comedy, where love competes with hate, greed, jealousy, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and laugh out loud funny to teach three married couples how to live in wedded Christian matrimony. Adapted by writer/director Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s acclaimed notebook, this gut-busting film paints an unforgettable portrait of pure, black Christian love and the ups-and-downs of wedding bliss.
Also starring Tyler Perry, Marla Gibbs and Tyler Perry.
  • Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Wedding Day
And in the role of a lifetime, Conan O'Brien as "Rich Whitey."
Juwanna Mann‘s Miguel A. Nunez Jr., The Cosby Show‘s Tempestt Bledsoe and Conan O’Brien lead an all-star cast in a new Madea adventure, where men and women love, hate, want, need, and laugh out loud in an attempt to find Madea a good Christian man. Adapted by writer/director Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s acclaimed dream journal, this gripping film paints an unforgettable portrait of a righteous, black Christian woman and her wise, hilarious ways.
Also starring Tyler Perry, Khloe Kardashian and Tyler Perry.
  • Tyler Perry’s It Is What It Is
Moesha‘s Brandy Norwood, Homeboys in Outer Space’s Flex Alexander and Mike Tyson pilot an all-star cast in a delightful fairy tale, where three couples in various relationship stages learn how to live, love, hurt, cry, and laugh out loud at life’s many Christian speed bumps. Adapted by writer/director Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s acclaimed post-it note, this roll-in-the-aisle film of hilarity paints an unforgettable portrait of whimsical, black Christian romance and the craziness of life together.
Also starring Tyler Perry, 1996’s Whitney Houston and Tyler Perry.
  • Tyler Perry’s 2 Broke Girls
Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry (good makeup job!)
Booty Call‘s Vivica A. Fox, B.A.P.S.’s Halle Berry and Herman Cain head an all-star cast in an urban, ethnic, colorful movie adaptation of the hit CBS show, where two black, Christian women struggle in an patchwork, idealized 1970s/2012(?) Brooklyn, NY, and their young adult lives with financial dreams, loves, conflicts, black hipsters, crack babies, and laugh out loud funny to learn how to survive in a wild, brash, un-Christian world. Adapted by writer/director Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s acclaimed IHOP place mat, this laugh-out-loud film paints an unforgettable portrait of maturing, black Christian adulthood and the amusing rights of passage.
Also starring Tyler Perry, the ghost of Sherman Hemsley and Tyler Perry.
  • Tyler Perry’s In Tyler Perry or in Tyler Perry, For Tyler Perry or Tyler Perry
Madea’s Family Reunion’s Tyler Perry, Madea Goes to Jail’s Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry head an all-star cast in an insightful, humorous and regaling film, where the passion and overflowing talents of a black Christian man clash with his charisma, attractiveness, multi-talented nature, idealism, overpowering sexuality, and laugh out loud funny to learn how to survive in a Tyler Perry- and Christian-lacking world. Adapted by writer/director Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s acclaimed piss-drenched snow pissings, this laugh-out-loud film paints an unforgettable portrait of vanquishing, pungent black Christian Tyler Perry-ness and the heroic tale of Tyler Perry.
Also starring Tyler Perry, the prepubescent clone of Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry.
***
With a clear road map to churn these puppies out, look for the first film,Tyler Perry’s ‘Til Death Do Us Part, from Genial Black Man Productions to poop into theaters in February 2012. Tyler Perry might have a problem with me using his name on my flicks, and he might sue, but maybe I can get away with the whole satire angle. Hell, Perry’s films are satires of actual reality. If he can milk audiences and studios out of millions of dollars, then by golly, I can get some of that sweet, opportunistic cash.
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