Things I’ll be Doing During the 86+ Hours of Pre-Super Bowl Coverage

  • Listening to players and coaches try to explain their pre-game activities and game strategies
  • Watching  the New York Stock Exchange for buffalo wings futures
  • Compare the protests of millions that complain on social media about the stupidity of the Super Bowl
  • Making fun of the one player that parties too hard
  • Rolling my eyes at the pre-game commercials that were too thrifty to pay up for main game ad time
  • Watching the Super Bowl red carpet coverage on E!
  • Seeing bored romantic partners ponder how they’re going to make it through the whole damn game
  • Taking bets on how will top themselves with their non-risque “risque” ad
  • Monitoring ESPN’s Chris Berman’s emotional states bouncing between blustery and blusterful
  • Make fun of football fans arguing the pros and cons of home-field advantage
  • Check out forums for viewers of the “risque” online ad
  • Making a Venn diagram of GoDaddy online ad viewers and Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue buyers
  • Wondering what the hell THIS is:
I hope he doesn't die from the stupid paint suffocating his skin.
  • Wondering how uncomfortable ultra-macho football fans will react to Madonna’s halftime show
  • Pondering why Madonna is performing the halftime show
  • Making a spinach dip bread bowl for my imaginary feline friends
  • Stalking the local mall, pretending I’m the only survivor of the End of Days
  • Hanging out with intellectuals and hipsters at a coffee shop, listening to them protest the cheesiness and herd-like mentality of the Super Bowl
  • Listening to the sheer amount of detail the same intellectuals and hipsters know about this year’s game
  • Giggling at the loudest football commentator’s sport jacket

  • Checking out Facebook to see the friends that are watching the Puppy Bowl, another media-created event, in protest of the game
  • Counting the amount of middle-aged men wearing tattered football jerseys from 1992
  • Preparing my shopping list for day-after Super Bowl bargains
  • Wondering again why Madonna is performing in the halftime show


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