Another year, another birthday. I enjoy birthdays, as my appreciation for gifts and food is a nice blanket to wrap myself in as I contemplate the past year on this planet. And that usually includes breakfast with friends, the Chicago Auto Show, birthday cake and pizza with family, and a 3-week bender of cookies and gin and tonics–sorry, LIN and tonics.
So as I hit an arbitrary number (after all, Aaliyah did say “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number” — never mind that R. Kelly agreed) of years hit, I want to share my thoughts and wishes for the next year.
- I hope to find a super-awesome job in the next year that I enjoy going to, delight in the company of co-workers and find joy in the work that I do.
- It would be great to do another stand-up comedy set.
- I want to save enough money to make it rain on myself.
- I hope Chris Brown and Rihanna get the desperate emotional and mental help that they need.
- I wish that the GOP would tone down their rhetoric before another tragic event happens.
- Let the 25th anniversary of Mega Man include a kick-ass “Blue Bomber” game.
- I want to get into a great relationship with a woman that likes me for me–silliness and all.
- I would love to see my friends and family and their babies more often.
- I hope every single Spencer’s Gifts store evolves into a place with sensible, non-stupid products, thoughtful literature, and salons with intelligent discourse encouraged on a regular basis.
- I want to feel healthy; I hope my back is well enough to get back into great shape.
- I would like to get my book, a collection of my blog posts, published. (This will require some editing.)
- I hope people gain more perspective regarding how their actions affect others. This is too pie-in-the-sky, but it’s sorely needed.
- Let’s ALL hope that the proposed The Hangover: Part III movie and Battleship–aka “Transformers on Water” somehow disappear.
- Arizona is a crazy train of racism and political nonsense. It’s only increased in the 6+ years since I moved here. Let’s tone it down.
- Twitter and Facebook folks: scale back on the racist, sexist, homophobic and other hateful nonsense. You can use a computer/smartphone. Rub those synapses or whatever together and exercise good decision making before you post.
- I hope that Steve Harvey reveals that his mustache was a fake the whole damn time–much like that flat-top toupee.
- I would love to travel more. Brasilia, Brazil, New York City and Portland (Oregon) are on the list, though they may have to wait.
- Can we put Jay Leno in a home for displaced talk show hosts? Let’s work on that.
- Oh GOD, the Oscars: they need to actually be interesting enough to suffer through live-tweeting.
- I love The Simpsons, but it’s been more than 20 years and 500 episodes. It’s time to shut it down.
- I hope Rick Santorum goes away. Maybe there will be a scandal involving the Google-searchable definition of his last name.
- It would be nice if Nintendo’s new system (called the Wii U, though that could change) is fun to play and has great games. People are doubting it; Nintendo’s been there before.
- Let’s get GameStop a new marketing agency for their commercials. They’re obnoxious and cater to the lowest common denominator.
- I wish with all my might that politicians stop regulation on women’s reproductive rights and their bodies. Hell, stop the war on women. Your mothers that gave birth to you were women. Your sisters, grandmothers, aunts, nieces, great-grandmothers, wives, girlfriends and fiances are women. Stop projecting your hate onto them.
- Not everything in your life has to be posted on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, FourSquare, Pinterest, LinkedIn or MySpace (tee-hee!). I hope more people gain perspective and live in the moment without having to document it.
- Racists: I know that you’ve enjoyed this groundswell of like-minded dickstains in the past 4 years. But know that the free reign on your shitty thoughts and actions are frowned upon by sensible people. Either hide that ignorance or get with the times.
- Two words: Birthday Sex. Doesn’t have to be this year, but it damn well better happen by or on Feb. 22, 2013.
- I hope to be happy on a more regular basis. Life in general ain’t too bad: I have a loving family; caring friends; a functional body; hobbies that I like; and a roof over my head. Things can always be worse.
- Ice cream makers: let’s get on breaking the fourth quadrant of chocolate ice cream. Chocolate ice cream with fudge ripples, mackinaw fudge and chocolate brownie pieces or chocolate chips. Your choice, but you have a year to make it happen.
- I hope MC Hammer beats the odds and draws 100,000 people to his social networking site.
- It’s never too late for reparations for the entire run of HBO’s Entourage.
- Three words: sex for breakfast. If it’s good enough for Christina Aguilera to make a middling song about, it must not be all bad.
Most of these are nonsensical, and even more of them are the byproduct of an imagination gone semi-amuck (semi-muck?). Still, wishes are a good thing, yes? Dreams lead to change, and change is a positive thing (don’t let those scornful wags/politicos sour you on the word like their genitals are soured). Also, let it never be said that hate is bad or that Jay Leno is an annoying head of jerkberg lettuce.