How Can Michael Bay Ruin MORE Childhoods?

Last week, director/producer/literal asshole Michael Bay announced that the titular characters of the newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie reboot would be of alien origin–an alteration of original story’s mutation roots. This naturally set the internet ablaze in fanboy rants, including former Michaelangelo movie voice actor Robbie “Cousin Oliver” Rist. Someone I know mentioned that this could be a ploy by Bay to hype a movie with little-to-no pre-production work. And in true Bay style, he overshot the mark in as pompous a way as possible.

With fans of ’80s/’90s kids’ cartoons and movies now reeling from having their childhood memories stomped on, how can Bay further bomb and deplete their ties to their pasts? I have a few ideas.

  • ALF: The origins of Gordon Shumway, also known as Alien Life Form, are updated for new millenials by making him the last member of his race, found in a meteor. Now on Earth, ALF battles an evil alien threat, long-lost outcasts of his planet, with help from the U.S. Army–including Justin Bieber in his first action role and supermodel/terrible actress Brooklyn Decker.
  • The Berenstain Bears: The educational stories of bears living in a tree get a modern twist by changing their home into a New York high-rise and their bloodlines into that of a master race of alien bear royalty. The bears find themselves the target of a Mexican drug kingpin, arming their home–and the New York City skyline–with more artillery than the Taliban–including the bombshells of supermodel Melissa Haro.
Toss some designer clothes and sunglasses on them and you have your update.
  • The Care Bears: The extraterrestrial planet Kingdom of Caring is under siege by The Sky Arabs, and the Care Bears take back their home with weaponry, wisecracks and Louis Vuitton model Daria Werbowy as Proud Heart Cat.
  • Darkwing Duck: Drake Mallard balances his disguise as a mild-mannered football superstar and his alien roots as Darkwing Duck, the crown prince of Canardia. When his roots are outed by US Weekly, the literary front of Afghanistan’s terrorist outfit, Drake becomes Darkwing and calls in his army of Canardian soldiers–including Valentino model Gemma Ward as Gossalyn Mallard.
  • Ducktales:  Scrooge McDuck and the family get a new makeover as Beverly Hills billionaires. When Scrooge’s pilot, Launchpad McQuack (played by model/actor/singer Tyrese) is kidnapped by Occupy Los Angeles protestors, Scrooge and his great-nephews Huey (Adam Brody), Dewey (Tom Hardy) and Louie (Steve Buscemi) infiltrate the 1-percenters ranks to get their homey back. One or more of them may be aliens.
  • He-Man: The alien planet of Eternia gets a contemporary revision as an Earth-like planet. When He-Man/Prince Adam (Christian Bale) finds himself the new ruler after his father is assassinated by Skeletor (Iraqi actor Hind Kamel) via nuclear missle, Skeletor’s army is challenged by He-Man, Battle Cat (Joe Pantoliano) and She-Ra (Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes).
  • Jem: The truly (truly) outrageous rock group Jem and the Holograms find their Madison Square Garden concert interrupted by Russian operatives under control of a reanimated Joseph Stalin. Jem (Scarlett Johansson) taps into her latent alien powers to stop Stalin and his comrades from turning the United States into a province under the new Soviet Union.
Jem, now with big-ass boobies!
  • Laverne & Shirley in the Army: This one is a joke. No one cares about Laverne & Shirley!
  • M.A.S.K.: Mobile Armored Strike Kommand becomes a military code for transforming, outfitted Chevrolet cars and trucks in this reimagining of the ’80s toys/cartoon. Matt Trakker (Billy Bob Thornton) and supermodel Adriana Lima lead M.A.S.K against the alien renegade V.E.N.O.M. group via a psychic connection to his Chevy Camaro car known as Trumbletee.
  • Shirt Tales: The woodsy area of Mid City is transformed into the model of small-town America as the Shirt Tales gang is annexed by biracial politician Barry Hussein Dinkle and his cronies for a Socialist-themed theme park. Tyg Tiger (Shia LeBeouf) and Rick Raccoon (Michael Clarke Duncan) take their town back from Washington fatcats.

    They want their country town back.
  • The Snorks: Snorkland is ground zero for a major drug smuggling ring, and the Snorks (Strategic Nautical Overtly Ranked Killing Symbiotes) will stop things at any cost. Allstar Seaworthy (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) guides his crew into battle while attempting to rescue the kidnapped Daffney Gillfin (model Vida Guerra).
  • ThunderCats: Thundera is reeling from mysterious meteors. Lion-O (Michael Fassbender) discovers that the meteors are transport ships for the evil Mumm-Ra (John Malkovich) and his evil terrorist suicide bombers with Arabian lineage. With help from Panthro (Josh Duhamel), Tygra (comedian Kevin Hart) and Cheetara (pornstar Jayden Jaymes), Lion-O battles to save Thundera from its destruction. Oh, and the main characters are all aliens.
  • Voltron: Aliens, guns, boobs.

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