Bros! BROS. Listen up, bros.
Check it: you’re hangin’ with your bros–at a slammin’ party with a lot of hot chicks or at your boy Brewer’s house. (BREWER!) And there just so happens to be light beers, because light beer is where it’s at. (Wine? That’s what pussies drink, AMIRITE?) So you’re kickin’ back with a brew and lookin’ to impress your bros and the ladies at the frat house with your beer-shotgunning skills, but no matter how violently you puncture the can, the damn thing won’t pour with the quickness! All you wanna do is slug some suds, yo! Why those beer makers gotta ruin your good time? You just wanna get wasted!
Well, my light beer connoisseurs, Miller is listening to your slurred, incomprehensible cries, and they’re bringin’ technology to the tankin’ game. This shit’s gonna make you the champ of gulpin’ hops, Bro-J Simpson!
Aw yeah, Miller Lite’s got your back!
With this handy tool at your disposal (and I don’t mean that tool in your pants–UP TOP!), you’re gonna be CRUSHING IT when starin’ down a fellow bro in the shotgunning game. And the best part is that you don’t even have to think where to put the hole no more! (That’s what SHE said!) Because the scientist bros at Miller made a second tab in the can top to do the dirty work for you! Damn, those scientists are GENIUSES, Don Bro-leone!
Just aim and shoot, bros; aim and shoot. (THAT’S what she said! Pound it!)
They’re lookin’ out for you and that lack of glug, bros. Because that ruins the ability to get drunk SO fast. And who wants to be buzzed when you can get BLITZED, AMIRITE? Hell, you should be drunk right now, because this punch-top makes it so damn easy! And that’s where the fun begins: knockin’ back brews with your buds while hittin’ on broads with your beer-aided A-game. It’s the makings of epic nights, Brovengers!
Aw man, beer technology is making this a great time that we live in, bros. Wide-mouth cans, color-changing cans that tell you when your beer is cold and now THIS! You barely have to use your senses to drink! Soon, sex robots will be pouring this shit down our throats! And THEY won’t be complaining that you’re drunk again in front of her family or the kids! Or that you’re cursing out the preacher at Sunday morning service because the football game is on! Oh, the future’s gonna be awesome!
But until those hot-ass sex robots service our beer and pussy needs, we’ll just make do with the Miller Lite Punch-Top beer cans, man. And we’ll TOTALLY KILL those beer-chugging contests against college kids half our age! Gimme a pound, Michaelangel-Bro of the Teenage Mutant Nin-Bra Turtles!