Songs for an Airport

Flying sucks. Let’s just get that out of the way right now.

Though airlines are gouging customers in every way possible, airplane travel is still a fast and relatively affordable way to cross the country. (Old-timey settlers would envy the ability to fly over the prairies of the Midwest and avoid dysentery and those crazy Injuns!) Still, this means that every Joe Six-Pack and his unwashed brood will be crammed alongside you in an ever-shrinking airline seat.

So how do you brave the unappealing experience of the airport–from the check-in lines to the baggage claim? What if there was an album (or CD or MP3 download, as the kids say) to chronicle the experience for you? Well here it (hypothetically) is!

Along with that snazzy artwork is a 2-CD set of hits, perfect for any traveler contemplating flying or beating your head against the seat in front of you!

  • Crazy Lady with 2 Babies and a Dog – an upbeat pop song about an overwhelmed traveler and her voyage to Houston, Texas
  • Business (Man) up Front – a powerful, politically charged anthem against corporate greed, encapsulated in the middle-aged man in a suit in business class
  • Too Much Fast Food for this Flight – a torch song about a middle-aged woman and the sheer amount of fragrant fast food on her person
  • The Bus of the Skies – a jock jam ode to Southwest Airlines
  • Ante Up-sell –  an “urban” hip-hop jam about airlines charging you for the “privilege” of air travel
  • The Incompetent Men in Blue – a folky sonnet about the men and women that handle your luggage and fondle your giblets
  • Sky Mall Strange – a power ballad dedicated to the oddities found in every Sky Mall catalog
  • Doody Tuesday – a Rolling Stones-era homage to dookie bombs hidden in diapers
  • Scenes from a Chili’s Too – a down-tempo acoustic number about a married couple and their relationship crumbling over a 4-hour layover and lava-hot Southwestern Eggrolls
  • X-Rayted Viewing – a hair-metal nod to barely-covered travelers, as seen on TSA screens
  • She’s Carrying a Pillow – a Gary Puckett/Neil Diamond/pedophile-fronted rocker about a young woman that catches the eye of a perverted older man
  • Sho Got a Lot of Baggage – a slow-jam, R&B stepper about a young woman with a lot of literal and figurative baggage in her life
  • SHUT THAT DAMN KID UP! – a raucous punk-rock ripper rallying against loud babies and the parents that just don’t GET IT, man
And here are the rest!
  • Let Me Be
  • Traveling Without Leaving the Runway
  • First Time Flyer
  • Row or Aisle of Man
  • Geek Stinky Breath and Body
  • You’re Dressed Like That?
  • Gaggle of Geezers
  • Cranky Sue
  • Wanderin’ Man on his Cellphone
  • K-9 in my Bag
  • Party in the Back (of the Plane)
  • Perky Flight Attendant and Little Patience
  • Pre-Gamin’ the Flight
  • Six Dollar Big Mac
  • There’s the (Baggage Claim) Rub 
  • Gawkin’ Yokels
  • Motionless on the Moving Walkway 
  • The Air’s Up Too Damn High
  • One Butt, Two Chairs
  • This Ain’t Food!
And if you act now, you’ll get not one but TWO copies of the CD or MP3 download for twice the price! (Just add separate postage and handling.)
Flying may be an uncomfortable, annoying hassle, but with “Songs From an Airport,” at least you’ll be audibly entertained as the overly-talkative woman next to you overshares about her life for the next four hours. And that’s a better endorsement than can give. (They don’t review imaginary albums.)

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