Diary of a Genial Black Man’s Celebrity Advice Column: Featuring Chris Brown (NSFW)

The world is a tumultuous place to live, filled with encounters that make our daily lives a challenge to navigate. And we all have questions about how to approach our unique trials. So who better to offer their two cents on how to live life than someone that dares it to “try to be on my shit”? For our inaugural celebrity advice column, I give you…

Chris Brown took time out of his busy schedule of recording music, chatting with fans, and being an utter dicktrain to answer reader letters. His unique combination of straightforwardness and confidence lend to profound insights and sensitivity.

(WARNING: The following content is Not Safe For Work due to language.)

I am a mother of four and am the only one working. My husband, Jim, has been out of work for the past eight months, and his self-esteem is very low. He feels bad that I have to be the breadwinner and that he is watching the kids during the day. He’s a good man and loves the kids, but I know he’s used to being the provider of the family. How can I help him to feel more appreciated?

Wife Out Raising Kids

Dear WORK,

Yeah I would like this dance little mama
I thought you’d never ask, I got a lotta cash
Especially enough for ya, yeah
’cause you’re the hottest thing up in this club
I can tell when you hit the stage, baby you gettin’ paid
You’re booty is a money magnet,
You… lookin’ like Jessica Rabbit,
Puttin’ these… other chicks in they casket, yeah

***

I graduated college last month and I’m not in a relationship. Most of my friends have long-term boyfriends, are engaged or are already married. I’ve done my fair share of dating but I am not on the track to the aisle. My friends won’t say it but I can tell they feel sorry for me. The thing is, I don’t want to get married until I get a career started. What can I tell my friends so they will understand?

Surviving In Nashville Guilted Ladies Extravaganza

Dear SINGLE,

I ain’t afraid to drown, if that means I’m deep up in your ocean, yeah
Girl I’ll drink you down, sipping on your body all night
I just wanna take your legs an’ wrap them round
Girl you cummin’ right now
My head to your chest feeling your heartbeat, girl
Swimming all in your sea
And you sweatin’ all over me
Bring it forward, don’t you run, run
I don’t want to be a minute man
Baby you’re just like a storm
Rainin’ on me girl, you’re soakin’ wet

***

My local mall has a pet store that uses a puppy mill to breed puppies for sale. I’ve complained to mall management about this and even gave them a petition with more than 100 signatures protesting their use of the mills. They say that there is nothing I can do. I plan to organize a rally outside of the mall in two weeks and have started a Facebook page. What other ways can I promote this horrible blight in my community?

Puppy Enchantment Tail Strokers

Dear PETS,

Peace ,love and blessings! Your talent is yours and yours alone. Caring is Caring.Remember that!

***

My mother is 63 years old and has been in convalescence care for the past five years. My uncle told me that one of the nurses has been stealing money and medication from her for the past few months. The family didn’t tell me because they didn’t want me to worry, but I am paying the bills so she can be looked after. How can I confront the staff’s management and find out if this is true?

Nauseated Under Medical Burden

Dear NUMB,

You can call me your daddy, I’ll be your lover or whatever you like
Girl, let me look at it,
Don’t you make me have to ask twice
‘Cause I’m up in your city, and I’m only in town for one more night
You ain’t the only one here baby, so many girls in line going crazy outside
LET’S GO!!

***

My family was killed in the Syrian bombings. I have no home, no food and nowhere to go. My only way to talk to anyone is online. How can I get out of here and survive?

Suffering Young Risking It All

Dear SYRIA,

OMG!!!!! Not cool! Something must be done!!! Seriously sick individuals who did this! It’s Really fucked up! Innocent Families and Children should never be slaughtered! We aren’t fucking cattle! raise awareness team breezy!

***

Next month’s celebrity advice column will feature Matthew Fox of LOST and Party of Five. You can submit your questions to GenialCelebAdvice@gmail.com.

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