Student Council Nominee: Victims of “Legitimate Cooties” Don’t Live

WOODRIDGE, IL — Todd Walker, the fifth-grade Student Council presidential nominee at William F. Murphy School in Woodridge, IL,  defended his stance on death in the event of extreme cootie outbreak by saying that victims of “legitimate cooties” can’t fight off the necrosis caused by the invisible, female-transmitted bugs.

“My older brother [Steven] said that dying from cooties really happens,” Walker said to Wildcat Press reporter William “Billy” Jones, in a playground interview heard by everyone. “If it’s legitimate cooties, your body dies. Duh.”

The statement comes on the heels of an attack note by opponent Allison Hawkins to her friend, Student Council Vice President nominee Betty Malone, questioning Walker’s stance on cooties in the wake of Walker’s torment by sixth-grader Paula Scott, who pushed Walker into a mud pit and sat on his head.

“Allison [Hawkins] is an idiot,” said Walker. “She doesn’t even know how to multiply. She can’t be trusted.”

Hawkins fired back at Walker via a cross-playground taunt, yelling “Uh-uh!”

Walker added that in the most extreme case–embarrassment and disgust brought on by “super cooties” that can’t be fought–death is the only option for the “cootie burger.”

An artist’s rendering of the “legitimate cootie” bug

“Like, if you can’t wash the cooties off,” Walker said, “They just die. And then they’re put in the ground and everyone cries”

A 1991 survey by Woodridge Elementary School’s (now known as William F. Murphy School) fourth-grade students found that “cooties-related death happens a lot” and “eats your face off” if you get kissed–an estimated “ton of blood and guts and death forever.”

Walker later apologized for his comments, claiming that he “misheard” the summary of Hawkins’ note and added that death should happen to Hawkins because “she smells like farts.”

Walker’s bold rhetoric and swift actions are a change for the normally sedate Student Council elections, as a newfound, grassroots movement by students to regain their school from “dumb teachers” has championed the brash incumbent. Walker has promised an end to PE and a ban on weekly chorus classes.

His claim about “legitimate cooties” is the most recent language dissected by school politicians and students alike. In March, Walker dropped wording from a morning announcement proclaiming Casimir Pulaski Day (named for a Revolutionary War officer) to be “stupid because I don’t know who he is.” Walker co-writes the announcements.

Walker is not a stranger to discriminating against certain types of cooties. As Student Council Treasurer in 2010, he voted for $.05 of every school lunch sale to go into an “extreme cooties” fund, but the move was struck down by teacher advisers because it did not specify the severity of the cooties. Teachers commenting on the promise of anonymity worried the fund would be mishandled.

An informal playground poll estimates Walker leading Hawkins by a margin of “a lot.”


3 thoughts on “Student Council Nominee: Victims of “Legitimate Cooties” Don’t Live

  1. Shared this with the note:
    Remember what I was saying about the power of words yesterday? Troy’s “Legitimate Cooties” mock news report is a great example. I love a piece that can not only temper my rage–not that I want it tempered too much when anyone (no matter their political affiliation) uses words like “legitimate rape” together–but make me smile, for a moment, and know there are many people who can’t begin to fathom such word combinations made in earnest.


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