Gifted actor, skilled comedian, oozing with the masculinity of Charles Bronson’s gun: Jon Hamm is a triple threat in the vein of Channing Tatum or Lassie. (Did you know that Lassie opened for legendary comedian Lenny Bruce in December 1965? She worked VERY blue.) Men want to be him, and women want him to be in them. His wondrous talents and rugged good looks are more unfair than an NFL replacement referee. And yet he is SO ADMIRABLE!
“So how does Mr. Hamm (you would be foolish not to address him without the honorific “Mister”; the dude deserves respect) go about nailing more theoretical ladies than an insecure kid at summer camp?” I have an answer to that weird question, reader. My longtime friend and Mr. Hamm’s biographer, Arran, has been studying the teachings of Sir Jon Hamm (I forgot to mention that Mr. Hamm was knighted by the Queen of England in a special ceremony last year, making an exception for the American actor and international pussy crusher) for the last 11 years, and he has imparted several bits of Sir Jon Hamm’s wisdom in his newest book, GOING HAMM: The Wit and Wisdom of Jon Hamm, Pussy Crusher. The non- sequiturs may seem random upon first glance, but their zen-like nature sneaks up on you–like the realization that people still care about Paris Hilton.
Below is a selection from GOING HAMM:
On how Sir Jon Hamm consoles himself after losing the Best Actor Emmy award:
- “I suppose he cries himself to sleep on a bed of something that designates high status: A bed of TORN-UP PUSSY AND ASS. That’s just a given: lots of killed pussy and crushed ass.”
On how Sir Jon Hamm can stay in a committed relationship of 15 years with actress/writer/director Jennifer Westfeldt and the waste of all that pussy-slaying potential:
- “She must have LOTS of pussies to crush–like an octopus of pussies. Or Octopussy, if you will. It’s the only explanation. (Sir Jon) Hamm, by his nature, MUST CRUSH ALL THE PUSSIES. So she must have many of them.”
A sample of the many pick-up lines that ONLY Sir Jon Hamm can use to woo women (every other person has tried and failed):
- “Any of you ladies want a HAMM SANDWICH? By which I mean my penis.”
- “I’ve named my penis and balls the HAMM AND EGGS special, because they are delicious and satisfying.”
- “Care for some Hamm on rye? The rye is your vadge.”
- “One night with me will teach you the new meaning of the Hamm salad recipe. The ‘Hamm’ refers to my punishing dick.”
GOING HAMM: The Wit and Wisdom of Jon Hamm, Pussy Crusher, will be released Oct. 9 by Random House on hardcover, e-reader and telegraph.