In the fairness of giving equal blog time to the less intelligent and cultured, I am ceding the following blog post to a bro. The bro in question was given the task of deciphering the lead-up to the election of the President of the United States. These are his thoughts. (*insert Law and Order sound effect here*)
Bros! BROS. BROS!
So there’s an election coming up, and shit’s getting real, yo. There are two old dudes wanting to be president, and they are EVERYWHERE. They’re on more mags than Mila Kunis, and that chick is HOT! YOU know what I’m talkin’ about, Ryan Bro-chtes!
Now I’ve gotta admit that I haven’t been paying much attention to this election stuff. I’ve been busy with the last few CoolSculpting sessions before retiring my summer bod. And now it’s football season, so I’ve been hitting Hooters with on for brews, birds (gotta love those wings!) and broads. But these two dudes–Barrack Osama and Mitt Romnee (Barack Obama and Mitt Romney–Ed.)–have ALL THESE commercials talking SHIT about each other!
So naturally, I was confused about what was going on. I said to my boy Socks (Steve Wysocki), “Yo Socks, who are these dads with the American flags and suits?” And he was all “Dude, they’re running for president,” and I was all “Get the fuck out of here!” And he was all “For real, bro!” And then the game came back on and we stopped talking.
But for some reason I thought about the election stuff after the game. After I called back to Hooters to talk to Tiffani, the waitress that left her name and smiley face on my receipt (girl was WANTING it!), I went on Facebook to talk trash to my bro Spades about his Cowboys losing again. (That team SUCKS.) But my uncle Pete was going off on one of his rants about the government and America losing its way, and he kept saying “NO WAY NOBAMA” I think it was something about Mexicans being in the country, which was weird because I thought they already were! Home Depot is like where they hang out!
So I wanted to actually learn stuff, which was the first time in YEARS that I didn’t use my computer for that. I typed “Mexicans and Obama” into Google and there was a SHIT-ton of stuff about the president not deporting kid immigrants and Mexicans liking him, which was weird because I’ve never seen any Mexicans with computers. There were also sites called names like Freerepublic that were all “Obama and Mexicans and food stamps” and “Obama Administration Probably Guilty of Murdering Mexicans” and I was all “WHAT????” Murder ain’t a joke, Broce Willis. I’ve talked about murdering pussy, but REAL murder hurts, and it’s permanent.
So I clicked on Freerepublic, and that site was WEIRD. It was all about “religious freedom,” family, and old-timey talk about liberty and conservatives. It was like seeing those old dudes on Rascal scooters with American flags trailin’ on the ground. They kept talking about that Mitt Romney dude being awesome and better than “Barack Hussein Obama,” and that got me confused because I thought the military killed Barrack Hussein and President George Bush wore a Top Gun suit on a boat.
But apparently this Mitt Romney guy (that’s a weird name–Mitt. He must like baseball gloves or something.) is like SUPER-rich and hates poor people and women and Big Bird. That’s what my cube-mate Glasses (I think his name is Frederick or something dumb) at work says, and he’s smart. I guess Mitt’s even been talking about Barrack to his face a lot, and TV channels have been airing it. (My girlfriend was PISSED because it interrupted Grey’s Anatomy–or Gays Anatomy, as I call it.) And I doubt someone could be made at Big Bird; he’s a fucking puppet. People still like that singer Chris Brown, and he beat Rhianna up!
And people at work were even talking about it, saying that “Obama was all angry” and “Romney was interrupting” and on and on. Meanwhile, I just wanted to know why I should CARE! People looked at me all weird for that–like when I told my English 101 teacher that my final speech was on Maxim‘s Hot 100. Then they told me a lot of stuff and I don’t remember most of it, but at least they talked to me more than usual. Maybe I can get a few more dudes for fantasy football.
So I guess I know a bit more about these elections, but I’ll be glad when they’re over. It’s tough listening to stuff I don’t know about, and trying to read up on stuff I don’t care about is boring. But I guess I should vote because these guys are making important stuff happen. And if it’ll get my girlfriend to start talking to me again, then I’ll do anything. Bro’s got needs, bros.