The Sluttiest Halloween Costumes to Ever Slut

Halloween is just around the corner, and the costumed masses will be out in full force. All Hallow’s Eve is coincidentally the time where women liberate their minds and most of their clothes, letting their freak flags fly and their bare skin shine. These brave patriots combine the virtues of poor humor and questionable taste, resulting in some of the worst decisions since microphones were put in front of politicians.

Say hello to a thousand nights of nightmares!

So in the spirit of the holiday, I figured that I would contribute my own list of slutty Halloween costumes to either bring this trend to its logical conclusion or trademark them and roll in morally filthy cash like a human Scrooge McDuck.  Here’s the list:

  • Slutty Fifty Shades of Grey Book

It is all too easy to dress as sensual versions of college student Anastasia Steele, American Psycho-meets-Edward-from-Twilight creep Christian Grey, or a IHOP employee to pay tribute to the blockbuster erotic novel trilogy (and those couple costumes–OY VEY!), but that would do the books themselves an injustice.

Instead, be creative and let people know that you read books, dammit! Make a life-size book, cut out arm and leg holes, and make sure to leave an opening for your breast plate! BOOM–Slutty Fifty Shades of Grey Book.

  • Slutty Incredible Hulk

Hey, remember the movie The Avengers? I would hope so; it’s the third-biggest grossing American movie of all-time! So capitalize on that comic-book-movie heat by dressing as a tarted-up version of the most violent and monstrous character not named Loki.

TOO EASY.

It would be too easy to simply dress as She-Hulk, cousin of Bruce Banner, and call it a day. NO. Strut your crazy stuff and femme-up the original Incredible Hulk. You don’t want people to think that you are a feminist in any way, do you? (Equal rights for women, UGH AMIRITE MITT BRO-MNEYS?) Paint yourself green, create huge foam biceps and triceps, rip up your pants, memorize the line “Hulk Smash!” and don’t forget to show off that breast plate! BOOM–slutty Incredible Hulk.

  • Slutty Tyler Perry’s Madea

You may be saying to yourself, “Gee, Genial Black Man, Madea is plenty slutty ALREADY!” And I would question your damn mind. Writer/actor/director Tyler Perry’s most popular character is a middle-aged Bible-thumping conservative in all but political affiliation, and the only skin she shows is on her face.

SO SKANK HER UP ALREADY.

Here’s what you do, idiots: throw on some glitter makeup, break out a sexy gray wig and cat-eyed glasses, push those fake breasts up in your sexiest house dress, clutch your Bible and praise Jesus ALL night long! Make those Joker-costumed bros say “HALLELUJAH!” WOO!

  • Slutty Honey Boo-Boo

This one is a slam dunk: tight-fitting babydoll dress, clown makeup, a lollipop, and a bottle of Go Go Juice. Sit back and let men question their morals. Frankly, I would be surprised if this costume isn’t parading the streets of your college town already.

HOT.
  • Slutty Mitt Romney

Why is the most white-bread politician since the villain of an ’80s breakdancing movie on this list? Because I like a challenge.

With the mysticism of his Mormon faith and his uptight, rigid nature, Mitt Romney is the Parthenon of slutty costume obstacles. But it can be done. First, buy an off-the-shelf suit; make sure it’s SUPER tight. Next, loosen that necktie a little. (Aw YEAH.) Then, unbutton a few shirt buttons to show some skin; not too much, though–just a hint of cleavage. Then, let the pants hang JUST ENOUGH to let the magic underwear poke out.

Polish the look off with stripper heels (naturally) and you have your Slutty Mitt Romney–or a very confused businessman.

MAKE ME PROUD, MORONS.

***

Until 2013, let these horrific images paint your images of Halloween costumes. There will be more to question your sanity–be it fictionally or in real life.

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

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