NRA CEO Accused of Insanity Doping

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, doper on Insanity (picture courtesy of ABC News)

FAIRFAX, VA–National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre, champion of and for gun advocates, tested positive for abusing mania-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee reported Friday. The head of the country’s largest gun lobby agency was found to have traces of Insanity, a potent form of human hysteria hormone (HHH), in his urine. LaPierre is facing a lifetime ban from Olympic competition.

The 64-year-old, in training to represent the United States  in the 2014 Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia in biathlon, has been under fire for several months for his response to the mass shooting in Newtown, Conn. of 26 children and adults.

The results come from years of suspicion that the NRA executive was clinically insane.Remarks about solutions being in arming  “a good guy with a gun,” accusing video games makers to be a “corrupt shadow industry,” and comparing the media’s focus on violence to be aired “like propaganda loops on Splatterdays” drew suspicion from many in the IOC’s top ranks. NRA initiatives like the “National School Shield” program and a recent advertisement accusing President Obama’s children of benefiting from armed guards assigned by an “elitist hypocrite” promoted discussions in the Olympic group to test LaPierre’s urine sample.

The IOC is cracking down on HHH to avoid behavior that led to acts like the 2012 Summer Olympics opening games ceremony.  HHH is one of the newer drugs to be placed on the IOC’s banned list. While it does not enhance athlete performance, it has been found to incite pronounced instances of delirium. Notable sports professionals found to be taking HHH include Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell and Argentinean soccer star Maradona.

LaPierre was “very upset” by the IOC’s findings, according to attorney/comedian Katt Williams.

“The IOC is a bunch of haters. They hate what you look like, whacha wearing, whacha drivin, whacha think about, whacha talk about.”

He added, “America is a bunch o’ haters! Tonight, we are getting fucked up!”

LaPierre is planning to appeal the IOC’s decision.


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