Prejudicial Transmissions from a Parallel Universe!

parallel universe

Science fiction contains tales involving parallel universes, where the story contains realms featuring altered versions of the same characters, places and things that populate the main world. While many dismiss such notions as that of fairy tales and gross geekery, I am here to tell you that THEY ARE REAL.

Don’t believe me? Well prepare to have your imagination blown… AWAY. My friend, Jason Statham sociologist and Jon Hamm biographer known simply as “Arran,” while on expedition in Vatican City excavating Tom Hanks’ hairpiece from The Da Vinci Code, uncovered electronic mail transcriptions unique in coding. After working with HTML specialists and Fringe fanfiction enthusiasts, he translated the messages. (The consultants were compensated with free HTC First cellphones, the primary user of Facebook Home app.)

The following memos paint a world in which the period we know as 1950s America is fraught with internet technology, a severe dependence upon Christianity as a guidepost for daily life, and the use of a truncated form of British English. The social issues of the day mirrored that of the history we know of during the same time period. While the verbiage may seem superfluous, the uncensored views and good tidings descending into outright bigotry are as raw and deliberate as contemporary expression. The addresses and dates have been deleted. These are their stories:

Why hello there, dearest Laurence of Featherlilly,

General tidings aside, I deliver impressions of the last few episodes of the Comedial Bang Bang. They have been ever so delightful! The newest episode in particular was splendid to the earholes, and the song “What a Thrashable Slope” had me holding back fits of giggles.

Anyway, may your days past, present and future be filled with God’s grace.

Dr. Alfred Pennybottom, Esq.

To my Brother in Christ, Alfred of Pennybottom,

I was pleased, nay, delighted to receive your recent correspondence! I hope this return electronic mail finds you well, and that the weather in that dashedly racist state of yours has been to your liking.

These are heady days for fans of the podcastular arts! The recent “episodes”, as the vernacular of our time insists we must refer to them as, of The Comedial Bang Bang have provided many guffaws, chuckles, chortles, and even a few snorts around these parts. Mr. George Burns continues to deliver smiles, and other recent guests such as Mr. Jack Benny and Mr. James Durante have also been amusing. One remains unsure about the appearance of ladies on these “episodes”, however. Perhaps Miss Lucille Ball and Miss Elaine May would be better served preparing dinner for their no-doubt large litters of children than attempting to “do comedy” alongside men who are inherently funnier due to being part of the stronger gender! Well, perhaps they will learn in future when their husbands leave them for not seeing to their wifely duties. Oh, these modern times!

I hope your times remain pleasant, prudent, and prayerful.

May The Good Lord bless your very being,

Lord Laurence Featherlilly III

Dear Fellow Brother in Christ,

Greetings! I am over the moon that my electronic mail found its way to your digital mailbox. With the series of tubes being a veritable haberdasher of tubes to navigate, it is a wonder that we can correspond without being in the same room at all! These virtual salons are ever the presence of His divine presence in the universe.

The podcastular arts are indeed in their golden age, as the episodes (as the low-class ruffians describe them) of such outstanding programs like the Comedial Bang Bang, the Professor of Blasting Off, and How Did This Monstrosity Get Made have proven to be ever so magnificent, entertaining and sensational entertainment in value and content. Their inclusion of women has been worrysome, as this disturbing trend provides a glimpse into a horrifying future in which these second-grade humans, what with their attached milk bladders for feeding of children babies and their musky caverns of life-birthing, can delight the masses in the way their human male masters can, thus giving them reason to believe that they can be their equal! Why must this be, dear Laurence? Why must this progress be on our watch?

Despite these concerns, these human female dogs have known their place and have not upstage the proceedings with their talk about their overpowering emotions or worries about the plights of lesser humans. For that, we can see that the grace of His light has regulated the natural order of society, and for that, we should be ever grateful, for He can still relegate them to their household duties for the foreseeable future.

Until the day where the women will rise up and we, brothers in Christ will have to fight back in our attempts to regulate the conservative right, we can take heed in our untoppable place among the societal elite. We should and shall treasure these times.

Take care fellow Brother in Christ,

Dr. Alfred Pennybottom, Esq.

Dearest Alfred,

I am glad we are on the same page, such as it were, on this matter! Just yesterday I commanded my wife to bring forth my cognac and attend to me sexually, and she REFUSED! Can you account for this behaviour? The poisonous spread of female “rights” shall surely be the downfall of society! There’s even dashed talk of them being allowed to vote, despite not owning property or slaves! Speaking of which, the Negro has also been acting in a non-subservient manner of late! These are troubled times, my friend. Oh that we could “go Galt”, as the treasured writer Ayn Rand might say, and live in a paradise where Negros and females do not live! Such a situation would be paradisaical and surely not devolve into the dark antics of the Homosexual, as some have speculated. Dashed nonsense! Men with men results in fine, intelligent conversation of wine, literature, and the opera, not such ghastly activities (that the Homosexual purportedly engages in) as “rimjobs”, “handing jobs”, and “butthole pleasures”. Imagine!

“Jesus” shall be our watchword, dear friend.

May you and yours be Blessed by The Lord Almighty,

Lord Laurence Featherlilly III

Blessed Brother in Christ Laurence,

Your plight at the hands of your scoundrel of a wife is a terrible one indeed. She has been cursed–CURSED!–by the devil’s indoctrination of women with their so-called “women’s rights” and calls for feminism. Their cries for equality are the cries of the death of a nation! And not just ANY nation, mind you, but the GREATEST nation to ever exist!

Dear Laurence, the days of this pure country are nigh, and it has invited the fear into my heart. For our once-prosperous land is now the plaything of heathens as now Negroes, Mexicans and the Chinese frolic in sin with our white women–the same women that DARE go against the demands of their white men. Meanwhile, the wart of society, the gays, are similarly demanding equal treatment and to be acknowledged in the same way as their straight superiors! Where forth are thou Jesus, I CRY!

Gone are the days where a man could cavort with another man in the name of enjoying each other for their cultural and physical prowess, where this conversation, the arts, ostracizing the minorities through physical tyranny, and raping and pillaging were not only encouraged but DEMANDED. We are now in the end of days, where we have to watch what we say in the eyes of the public, where our minds must be pure of thought or risk the brimstone of shaming we once inflicted upon the weak–so demanded by our Lord and Savior! We must indeed go Galt to stem the tide of change that has enveloped this now-cuckolded Home of the Brave into the carousel of sin that allow the blacks, gays and women to stride gallantly and confidently as if they do not walk with Jesus. For SHAME. FOR ALL OF US.

Until Jesus comes back and washes the filth from the drain that is now America, I remain your confidant and Brother in Christ.

Yours very truly,

Dr. Alfred Pennybottom, Esq.

Do not mistake the following as nonsense or fiction; these are real, and disputing the research of Arran is to dispute the air that we breathe. Though that parallel universe may well have been done in by fighting the predicted menace known as feminism, that does not mean that this version of the United States of America does not have to succumb to the fear-mongering as an effect of conservatism, nor the equality sought by women or those that delight in “butthole pleasures.”

We can and should find a way to partner together and accept each other for our humanity, NOT our differences–and quickly! The sooner we do, the sooner we can enjoy this world and the variety it contains.

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