WASHINGTON–In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court denied the citizens of the United States of America’s appeal to not be considered blockheads. The decision upholds the Defense Under Master Blockhead Statute, reaffirming Americans’ status as reigning jackasses of the inexplicably most powerful country in the world.
DUMBS defines a blockhead as an utterly foolish or senseless person that resides in the United States. DUMBS was voted into law in 1999 after a special Supreme Court session the week after the Billboard chart-topping debut album from Britney Spears. DUMBS allows civilians protected by the law to be excused for their decisions ranging in intelligence.
The vote Friday was 5-4.
“Despite the years of advanced technology and internet availability allowing for unprecedented access to learning and knowledge, American citizens are woeful, aggressive idiots,” said Justice Stephen Breyer. His vote was joined by colleagues Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Elena Kagan, Anthony Kennedy and Sonia Sotomayor.
The case analyzed whether American culture could effectively have free will over its basic activity–from bodily functions to purchasing decisions. Recent reactions to Supreme Court rulings (such as the DOMA, Voting Rights Act and Proposition 8 cases) and media figures (Paula Deen) advocating hateful behavior and beliefs brought the case in front of the Court. 22 states have laws protecting the less intelligent.
Breyer, the swing vote, made his disdain clear for ignorant Americans in the majority vote’s language.
“For cretins, simpletons, morons, nincompoops, nitwits and dickbags alike, this status is a far-reaching legal and social acknowledgement that their opinions, actions and words shall be treated with a higher level of tact and concern due to the intelligence deficit of the subject,” he said. “DUMBS is to protect the numskulls that made The Hangover: Part III possible.”
The dissenting minority opinion was read by Justice Clarence Thomas, who berated the majority for its “Scarlet Letter-approach to chastise Americans with unpopular or ill-informed opinions.”
“As a conservative judge, misinformed taxpayer, Tea Party supporter by proxy [Thomas’s wife, Virginia Lamp, is founder and president of Liberty Central, a Tea Party-affiliated advocacy group] and fan of Adam Sandler movies, labeling a sweeping portion of the American public as mentally inefficient is tantamount to giving them dunce caps,” he said. “While many will rejoice in today’s ruling, others will find it to be a tragic day in our nation’s history.”
Thomas added, “America was founded on freedom of speech and the freedom to do as you wish. But the court has taken a little bit of that away with its ruling. We owe our citizens more than to mock their affinity for catching up on the broad, humorous antics of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock and David Spade in the Sony motion picture Grown Ups 2, in theaters Friday, July 12. I dissent.”
Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito also voted their dissent.
President Barack Obama’s Twitter account was updated minutes after the decision was made with the following message:
“Today’s DUMBS ruling is a landmark step for the intelligent American citizen to be free. #SmartStart #StarTrek”