Ten Sexy Secrets to Keep Your NSA Snitch!

ten sexy secrets for keeping your nsa snitch
Image courtesy of vigorellefaq.com

1.       Spruce up your dirty talk with mentions of metadata and giving access to your top-secret files! They’ll pilfer your records in no time!

2.       A little roleplaying goes a long way! Pretend to be a righteous American citizen breathlessly trusting their government and watch the sparks fly!

3.       Be mindful of your partner’s emotional state. Make him/her feel sexy with a back rub or massage with music in the background–preferably  “Cowgirl” or “One Love” from the Hackers soundtrack.

4.       Sex hormones can cut down on your lover’s anxiety that they will be pursued by the government to the ends of the earth. Make sure not to withhold that good loving like your government would!

5.       Orgasms are the best prescription a love doctor can write. Aside from the release of endorphins and waves of pleasure, they’ll be incapacitated for several minutes and unable to leave you.

6.       Connect with your lover. Gaze wistfully into their eyes and whisper “Blow MY whistle, you sexy informant.”

7.       Stimulate your partner’s intellectual and impure heads by light teasing of their genitalia. Anything causing severe discomfort will take them out of the moment and into a nightmarish hellscape not unlike the show Oz.

8.       A regular sex life will reduce your partner’s wandering eye. Use your carnal powers whenever you suspect he or she is distracted by flirtatious civil liberties.

9.       A homemade meal by candlelight can light a match under your lover’s kindling. Avoid foods like bread and water that will remind your flame of their pending imprisonment.

10.   Spice up your lovemaking by inviting a prosecutor into the bedroom!

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