Internet Contrarian Preps for Anti-Mandela Rants

Internet contrarian John Rodgers

JUPITER, FLA — Local resident John Rodgers is engaged in his nightly routine in his living room, stretching his hamstrings, arms and wrists to the point of bone-cracking loudness. But there is an added intensity to Rodgers’ methods; as the world mourned the loss of South African apartheid-fighter Nelson Mandela at the age of 95, television news reports of the death motivated the 28-year-old GameStop clerk to work up a sweat rarely felt on his body through physical exertion.With a loud sigh of relief, he flops on his couch, opens his Macbook Pro, and logs into his Facebook account. His moonlighting as an  internet contrarian has begun.

“The most popular opinion is not usually right,” Rodgers stated between sips of iced tea. “People have to know the truth, no matter how unwanted it is.”

Rodgers, a 15-year internet veteran, has an uphill battle ahead of him in attempting to discredit the recently deceased Mandela. With a eternity-like span of minutes spent watching his Facebook and Twitter feeds clog with pro-Mandela sentiment (including pictures, quotes, and accolades about the former president’s fight for racial equality), the self-described asshole knew that it would take a monumental effort to play devil’s advocate against one of the most beloved men of the 20th century.

“It’s a shame that people can’t think for themselves. Famous people have a lot of skeletons in their closet,” Rodgers declared.

The sole  owner of R.I.P.D. on Blu-ray began his research with his standard information haunts: Wikipedia; Reddit; and the Drudge Report. With a cribbed-together sense of Mandela’s controversial life events and an inflated sense of self-importance, the anti-gay rights champion had his talking points in place.

“Mandela partnered with communists to lead a bombing campaign against the government,” Rodgers sloppily recalled. “Sounds a lot like Barack Hussein Obamacare.”

Rodgers ran mental drills to twist his research into new forms to combat potential factual statements from his conversational adversaries. He said a few of them aloud:

  • “Why would a peaceful guy want to bomb the government? Sounds like a NON-peaceful guy.”
  • “Not to be a jerk, but why would a liberal align himself with communists?”
  • “If I may play devil’s advocate, why are you defending the worst person since Hitler?”
  • “I’d like to debate this socialist’s anti-apartheid thuggery further, but I have to pick up my daughter from soccer practice.”

The self-professed recipient of black friends cracked his knuckles before clicking on his sister’s Mandela eulogy. He knew that his pending thoughts would not be well-received, but his sense of duty outweighed his self-awareness of his sociopath tendencies.

“It’s going to be a long night,” Rodgers said. “But I do it because I couldn’t live with myself if people didn’t know that every thing they believe is so, so wrong.”

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2 thoughts on “Internet Contrarian Preps for Anti-Mandela Rants

  1. The sole negative remembrance or tribute about Mandela I’ve seen on WordPress is from a notorious POS writer who hates in every direction, in all of his posts. One negative, compared to thousands of tributes. That says something to me about how Madiba will be remembered, and how much he improved the world.

    Like

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