20 New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

mickey mouse new year 2015
Rudimentary image courtesy of Wallpaperblog.net

A new year means a new opportunity for making NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS™! And in the spirit of making lists of things that will be forgotten by January 17, here are my NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS™ for 2015:

  1. I vow to shame racists, sexists, homophobes, classists and other terrible people with more ferocity.
  2. I will continue to find immature jokes funny.
  3. I will usher in the resurgence of “Deez Nuts” as a punchline to immature set-ups.
  4. I’ll tolerate Macklemore as long as he doesn’t do anything embarrassing; otherwise, BACK TO SHAMING.
  5. I’ll track down the remaining person using the word “adorkable” (probably at 20th Century Fox Television’s marketing department) and politely ask them to apologize.
  6. I will find new uses for cardboard boxes.
  7. I will buy a megaphone.
  8. I will use the megaphone in inappropriate situations to call out social commentary (white privilege, ratchet behavior, adult Disney obsessives).
  9. I’ll finally start my documentary about the making of the movie “Glitter.”
  10. I will shake my head in disgust at people that take brunch too seriously.
  11. I will go to brunch more often.
  12. I will use my powers of adorableness for good.
  13. I will find more creative ways to mock Buzzfeed and other clickbait (except Clickhole, a satirical website that mocks clickbait websites).
  14. I will master the art of lap-sitting (see #11).
  15. I’ll interject my opinions on any and all conversations (online and offline) that I have no expertise or experience with.
  16. I’ll stage a one-man boycott of “The Hobbit” movies because of their inessential nature and NOT because they’re mediocre.
  17. I will hug every redhead and whisper in their ear, “It gets sunnier. Wear sunscreen.”
  18. I’ll buy more sunscreen to carry around.
  19. I’ll wear vests more often in an effort to look like a sartorial dickbag.
  20. I’ll knock off the hate crimes, you guys; I’ll stop beating up “Big Bang Theory” merchandise.

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