Washington at New York (Giants) — The Redskins are coming off a big win against the St. Louis Rams, partly thanks to their strong running game. The Giants are mired by two fourth-quarter collapses in a row. What dumb face will Eli Manning make* when confronting 0 and 3? How can Redskins owner Daniel Snyder look himself in the mirror? And will Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul grow his fingers back like the lizardman Illuminati he might be?
Atlanta at Dallas — Falcons wide receiver Devin Hester is likely out against the Cowboys. Cowboys QB Brandon Weeden has guided the surprising team to a 2-0 record by not being Tony Romo. How will the Falcons challenge drunken Cowboys owner Jerry Jones after one too many n-bombs? What will Cowboys apologists do to explain a possible win? And when will the Earth sink under the weight of Cowboys Stadium and its God-taunting TV screens?
Indianapolis at Tennessee — Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is looking more neanderthal than ever as his team is sucking it. The Nashville-based Titans are not starting Juliette Barnes despite her (or perhaps because of?) her feisty chops. Can the Colts notch their first win and get Luck upright? Will Rayna Jaymes regain the spotlight in Nashville? And will Deacon Claybourne beat his liver cancer diagnosis?
Oakland at Cleveland — The Raiders may or may not leave Oakland for Southern California — and sunshine, AMIRITE? The Browns have a second-string alcoholic fratboy at quarterback. Will Browns fan desert the team as soon as the NBA season start? Can LeBron James fill in at QB?
Cincinnati at Baltimore — The Bengals have proximity to the Cincinnati chili market. The Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2012. Will Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones score his first fatality of the season? Can the Ravens swap coach John Harbaugh for brother Jim? And can Baltimore reform its police force?
Jacksonville at New England — The Jaguars are the lone bright spot of northern Florida. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is one concussion away from being Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. Can the Jaguars move to Oakland and not be in Florida? Will there be a semblance of thought behind Brady’s dim eyes?
New Orleans at Carolina — The Saints won’t have home-field advantage of booze and vomit in their backyard. The Panthers aren’t real-life panthers. Can the Saints win despite not hearing “WHO DAT?” shouted like a drunken stepfather? Will the Panthers find the magic serum to turn into were-panthers and fight Dracula for the cursed amulet?
Philadelphia at New York (Jets) — The Eagles play amongst the Liberty Bell, cheesesteaks and racism. The Jets reside in New Jersey, which is a garbage state. Will the Eagles patriotism and racism win out against the Jets’ New York-adjacent garbage piles? And why is New Jersey such a garbage state?
Tampa Bay at Houston — Tampa Bay is a Florida team. Houston’s calling card is Beyonce Knowles. This is a draw.
San Diego at Minnesota — BORING.
Pittsburgh at St. Louis — BLEH.
San Francisco at Arizona — Home to faux-liberals, the 49ers have their work cut out against the Cardinals’ Phoenix-based full-on racism. Will white guilt lose to white superiority?
Buffalo at Miami — The desolate fringes of New York versus the cocaine-fueled prison city of America’s dick: PUSH.
Chicago at Seattle — PASS.
Denver at Detroit — UGH.
Kansas City at Green Bay — Barbecue yokels versus cheese-stuffed yokels: WHO CARES, BARBECUE AND CHEESE GET AT ME.