Genial Black Man Learns WhereWhitePeopleMeet!

With technology bringing global cultures closer together, it is only natural to accept the inevitable meshing of disparate peoples into one beautiful, colorful afghan. People of all colors erotically melting together into a primordial goo of knotted bodies that would make a United Colors of Benetton ad look as chaste as a, well, United Colors of Benetton ad (due to a lack of nudity). Well you would be WRONG, you hopeful noob!

Enter WhereWhitePeopleMeet.com. This dating website, built upon the notion that the billions of locales for Caucasians to gather has shrunk to the point of a single website being a safe haven for the safety and protected procreation of the white race, is as laughably dumb as it is racist. Naturally, I had to check it out for myself.

First, I created a profile that would suggest that I was a black man that was curious about the whereabouts of these mythical meeting white people. But I wouldn’t use my full name or picture; that’s as dumb as the people on this site.

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The Google Images search for this picture was “assertive black man.”

And then I let it alone for about two months. I was eager to see what would happen. Would I be assaulted by hate mail? Peppered by potty-mouthed bigots?

Sadly, it was none of the above. It was as if the whites were not eager to meet a non-white, nor were they compelled to force “Trevor Lewis” out of their sacred meeting place.

So I returned two months later, wondering what to make of the site’s users. Assisting with the analysis was longtime friend and fellow race historian, Arran. I turned over my login and password credentials to him to do a deep dive into the seedy underbelly of scared white people clutching to each other like life rafts in a sea of sinister skin colors. And his findings were fascinating.

His initial look into the wants of female WhereWhitePeopleMeet users turned up little evidence of overt bigots — aside from their residence on the site, of course — so he tried a different tact: the men of WhereWhitePeopleMeet. Would they be more forthcoming about their fear of other races? That’s where things got interesting.

First was this enterprising lad, “Carl W. Bernard.” Focused on “having fun and a good time” but not “into getting wasted every weekend at a club,” Carl wanted to include someone in his life of becoming a federal agent.

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Probable bigot wants to be a federal agent. Checks out!

It’s admirable that he wants to better his life and be fit, but should we profile a young man on WhereWhitePeopleMeet as a potential threat to the people he wants to serve? YES.

Next was this smashing young man, “Bryan,” who is truthful in not wanting to “sugarcoat shit” to make him look like “the golden child.”

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Works hard, plays hard, discriminates hard.

Unintentional Eddie Murphy movie reference aside, his pride in being “bluntly honest” and expecting the same in loyalty and forthrightness may be enticing to a like-minded lady (I’m guessing he’s not looking for men, as that would be a threat to the conservative nature of this site) are as fascinating a misfire as the 1986 movie he accidentally mentioned.

Still, neither man was exactly screaming “I HATE BLACKS.” And I wanted someone’s words and/or face to scream that at full volume. And then this guy popped up.

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Future militia member. LADIES?

THERE’S our bigot!

Clad in a camo hoodie, “Dollar” had it all: a refusal to use his real name; his bald head and predatory beard; his focused stare that suggests that he’s seen AND done some unseemly shit; his Christian religion status; and his location of Arkansas. I’m surprised a cartoon version of his visage wasn’t the mascot of this website.

Still, this screenshot doesn’t outright advocate for the eradication of minorities. Neither would the next few.

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While “Bryan” and “Jason” live in traditionally white-power-skewing states (Washington, home of Rachel Dolezal, and Oregon, haven for whites and home of painfully liberal paradise Portland), their profiles didn’t scream “WHITES ONLY” with the manic energy of a ’90s-era Sega commercial.

The hirsuite, shirtless pics (I’m guessing Jason’s was taken in the nude while standing on a toilet) were funny in their attempts to woo the white ladies. But the fun of the racial discovery exercise was waning.

Luckily (or unluckily), we hit jackpot.

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A friendly reminder to spay and neuter the racism out of your pets.

And that’s the ballgame!

“Coyote,” with the username “@idontlikecolouredpeoplebecausetheystink” is obviously not American, so this racism is international. His/her love of “anal and killing black people” is appalling — and not just because it’s from the anthropomorphic mouth of an animal. This user, having a laugh at the expense of not only people of color but those genuinely looking for love on a racist website, summed up the site’s aims and the hate bubbling under the surface of modern society.

***

So what did we learn about WhereWhitePeopleMeet in our brief time on the site? It was made up of misguided souls that needed a lot of help in adjusting to society. They were wookin’ for wuv in the wrong places. And they were likely to do more harm than good to the general public.

But most of the small sample didn’t overly state their segregated states of mind, and that was the most interesting and scary thing of the exercise. They obviously wanted their own space away from the continually changing cultural makeup of the world, and they found safe haven in a place with a name as apparent as Donald Trump’s dog-whistle racial fearmongering. And they weren’t alone.

WhereWhitePeopleMeet suggests a laughable premise: an underground bunker for a population that makes up a sizable portion of the American population and an unequal majority of wealth, popular culture, and media power. But given the racial climate incubated in America and in no rush of going away, this website is an unfortunate answer to the ludicrous statement that America is post-racial.

Nice try, though, whites!

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