MSN News, we need to talk.
See… oh, this is so hard… MSN News, you know that I love you, right? You’ve always been there for me, delivering semi-informative articles flanked with maddening headlines that make me hate you. And yet for all of your cheesy shenanigans and attention whoring, I kept coming back to your bullshit.
Until now. I… I want to break up.
No, no, no, don’t look at me like that. It’s been a long time coming. You know it, I know it. It’s just not fun anymore. I’ve been hoping that things would change, but no, they didn’t.
Stuff like this doesn’t make me all tingly in the nether regions anymore:
- 5 myths about sex after 50 – Apparently, MSN News, you felt the need to inform readers that not only do people live beyond the age of 50, there are falsities about the subject of them having sex. Thanks for putting the image of old people doing it in my head; I’ll forward my therapy bill to you.
- Gorilla, 55, still has it – What does this gorilla have, MSN News? Moxie? Mojo? A job in these uncertain economic times? Why you gotta be so vague?
- China launches mourning period – The attack will come in five stages: the Denial strike (“Naw, man, that wasn’t me”), the Anger wave (“Eat it, bitch!”), the Bargaining barrage (“I’ll give you my foot up your ass!”), the Depression push (“I don’t want to be diplomatic right now…”) and the Acceptance assailment (“Yeah, I’m a superpower bully. I’ve come to terms with that!”). All of them will suck.
- Women: What’s your denim personality? – Are you a “dominant indigo”? “Thinking dark wash”? “Feeler sky blue”? “Raging stonewash rinse”? I want to compartmentalize you like I do my sweaters!!
- How are cop dogs sworn in? – After affixing their tassel to the opposite side of their mortarboard, they toss them in the air – but only after licking themselves and eating their poop.
This dog disarms criminals… with CUTENESS!
- 7 mistakes that poor people make – Hmmm… call me crazy, but I imagine that at least six of the seven – hell, let’s go with all seven – involve them being FUCKING POOR.
- Will we ever have superpowers? – Only when we legalize radioactive spiders. Why the hold up, politicians?
- Why ‘Brangelina’ isn’t a crime of grammar – Because I have no idea what “grammar” is. Is it that old lady that hand-knits me sweaters for Christmas and smells like poo?
- Boy bites dog to stop attack – In the boy’s defense, his leg wasn’t asking for it.
- Is it rude to listen to an iPod during dinner? – That’s a good question, MSN News. Hey, let’s ask more important questions: Is it acceptable to spit on the homeless? When is the right time to marry a donkey? Can you have enough man-purses for your metrosexual boyfriend?
- Gossip: Winehouse ‘can’t wait’ for kids – She heard somewhere that babies are filled with delicious cocaine.
“Dearies, mother needs a word with you!”
- Oil’s big decline fails to impress Wall Street – Oil is just doing its best for YOU, Wall Street! It just wants your approval! Why can’t you admit that you LOVE oil, Wall Street?! That’s all it’s looking for!
- How Starbucks can predict recessions – Much like an arthritis suffers’ ability to predict rain by the swelling of their joints, Starbucks can foresee economic downturns when each location can no longer contain the amount of “smug” safely inside its walls.
- World’s last Titanic survivor sells items to pay bills – The buyer of the old lady’s nude drawing was in disbelief at first: “That was you? Really – YOU? What HAPPENED?”
- Bust Out: Easy chest-enhancing workouts for women – So… “I must, I must, I must increase my bust” DOESN’T work? No wonder high school was so hard…
- How to get big, sexy hair, lips & lashes – See, I know this dude named Salvador. He’s got the good shit – plumps those lashes right UP! And it’s all herbal, son – from the earth!
- Patriots deny report they’re mad at Brady – Man, what did Marcia do to the New England Patriots NOW? Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
- What’s the deal with the AmEx Black Card? – I don’t trust it… looking all dark and ethnic… Who is the REAL AmEX Black Card. Is it… a TERRORIST?
Look at that uppity black card… thinks it’s good enough to be the top card, with its legible writing and regal aire… Thinks it’s better than me… Fucking elitist…
- Holy smokes: Couple get pot with order of tacos – Hey, two birds with one stone! It’s like the stoner gift that keeps on giving!
- 5 ways to fix Wall Street – Dang, MSN News! If it’s so easy, why don’t you just fix it already?! Unless you’re too GOOD for Wall Street… uppity jerk.
- Why your job is at risk now | Worried? – What? My job, at risk?! What.. what did I do?! Worried… WORRIED? You have the nerve to ask me that, after scaring me to death?! YOU SON OF A BITCH.
MSN News, it’s not you; it’s me. I’m not the same person I was when we first met, no longer amused by your attempts to catch my eye with your lame attempts at humor.
We’ve had a good run, MSN News. We had our share of good times. But like most relationship, I think it’s time to call it a day. Maybe we can be friends in time… let’s… let’s take some time and think about it.
I’ll… I’ll see you around, MSN News.
Wishing you all the best.