Tag Archives: dog

WTF, Northeast?!

From the CNN.com U.S. page this afternoon:









Nice to know that this insanity was held over from the weekend. Also, SOME of these stories could be related to each other.

What’s In Your TV? (April 2010)

A few years ago, satirical newspaper/website The Onion had a feature of made-up television shows on established TV networks, with titles that could easily pass for respective television shows on said network.

In an ongoing effort to test the limits to what I can do on this blog,  I’ll occasionally make one of my own: 

(Larger version can be found HERE.)

Attention Negligent Dog Owners

Hey there!

It’s been awhile since we last had a chance to chat. Unfortunately, my plea fell on deaf ears, as your dogs have roamed free like the canine version of The Road Warrior. It’s not fun being chased like a human Beggin’ Strip, and I’m sure that you’d feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

So I am here to provide a refresher. Maybe this time it will sink in.


Goes on:


Goes on:

I know that the average human attention span has decreased with the advent of television and the internet. After all, who can say no to The Bachelor and cute cat videos? I can. And there is a new-found need to let children and domesticated animals find themselves and be free spirits — you know, hippie crap. But there needs to be a responsibility to look out for the safety of others.

I honestly don’t know what it will take at this point for the message to get through. Does the NFL have to air a pro-leash commercial during the Super Bowl? Does cranky old man General Larry Platt have to perform “Leash on Your Dog”  on American Idol? Does Oprah have to have a very special episode on not being a dink?

"Leash on your dog, Leash on your dog/Don't be an asshole, Put a leash on your dog"

If it’s not becoming clear, let me put it in the words of How I Met Your Mother‘s Barney Stinson: “get your head out of your ass. Letting your dog run loose is asking for trouble. Sure, he or she may seem to be the sweetest thing ever, and yeah, they may tolerate you giving them kisses, but they are animals. Who knows when they will become frightened or agitated and attack someone? Hey, maybe that baby had it coming. (Perhaps the dog has built-in Precrime and a unique sense of justice.)

But when the time comes, will you shrug it off as the dog “being a dog?” Will you only then realize the consequences of letting your dog run wild? I can only hope that it doesn’t take a tragedy for you to realize the error of your ways — like hurricane Katrina or The Jay Leno Show.

So, to summarize:


Goes on:

Don’t make General Larry Pratt make another television appearance to shake his fist about this issue.

Stupid MSN News Headlines

MSN News, we need to talk.

See… oh, this is so hard… MSN News, you know that I love you, right? You’ve always been there for me, delivering semi-informative articles flanked with maddening headlines that make me hate you. And yet for all of your cheesy shenanigans and attention whoring, I kept coming back to your bullshit.

Until now. I… I want to break up.

No, no, no, don’t look at me like that. It’s been a long time coming. You know it, I know it. It’s just not fun anymore. I’ve been hoping that things would change, but no, they didn’t.

Stuff like this doesn’t make me all tingly in the nether regions anymore:

  • 5 myths about sex after 50 – Apparently, MSN News, you felt the need to inform readers that not only do people live beyond the age of 50, there are falsities about the subject of them having sex. Thanks for putting the image of old people doing it in my head; I’ll forward my therapy bill to you.
  • Gorilla, 55, still has it – What does this gorilla have, MSN News? Moxie? Mojo? A job in these uncertain economic times? Why you gotta be so vague?
  • China launches mourning period – The attack will come in five stages: the Denial strike (“Naw, man, that wasn’t me”), the Anger wave (“Eat it, bitch!”), the Bargaining barrage (“I’ll give you my foot up your ass!”), the Depression push (“I don’t want to be diplomatic right now…”) and the Acceptance assailment (“Yeah, I’m a superpower bully. I’ve come to terms with that!”). All of them will suck.
  • Women: What’s your denim personality? – Are you a “dominant indigo”? “Thinking dark wash”? “Feeler sky blue”? “Raging stonewash rinse”? I want to compartmentalize you like I do my sweaters!!
  • How are cop dogs sworn in? – After affixing their tassel to the opposite side of their mortarboard, they toss them in the air – but only after licking themselves and eating their poop.

This dog disarms criminals… with CUTENESS!

  • 7 mistakes that poor people make – Hmmm… call me crazy, but I imagine that at least six of the seven – hell, let’s go with all seven – involve them being FUCKING POOR.
  • Is it rude to listen to an iPod during dinner?That’s a good question, MSN News. Hey, let’s ask more important questions: Is it acceptable to spit on the homeless? When is the right time to marry a donkey? Can you have enough man-purses for your metrosexual boyfriend?

“Dearies, mother needs a word with you!”

  • How Starbucks can predict recessions – Much like an arthritis suffers’ ability to predict rain by the swelling of their joints, Starbucks can foresee economic downturns when each location can no longer contain the amount of “smug” safely inside its walls.

Look at that uppity black card… thinks it’s good enough to be the top card, with its legible writing and regal aire… Thinks it’s better than me… Fucking elitist…

  • 5 ways to fix Wall Street – Dang, MSN News! If it’s so easy, why don’t you just fix it already?! Unless you’re too GOOD for Wall Street… uppity jerk.
  • Why your job is at risk now | Worried? – What? My job, at risk?! What.. what did I do?! Worried… WORRIED? You have the nerve to ask me that, after scaring me to death?! YOU SON OF A BITCH.

MSN News, it’s not you; it’s me. I’m not the same person I was when we first met, no longer amused by your attempts to catch my eye with your lame attempts at humor.

We’ve had a good run, MSN News. We had our share of good times. But like most relationship, I think it’s time to call it a day. Maybe we can be friends in time… let’s… let’s take some time and think about it.

I’ll… I’ll see you around, MSN News.

Wishing you all the best.

Dear Grossly Negligent Dog Owners:

Hey there!

I know that the title of this may aggressive and harsh, and you might have a valid point. However, hurt feelings would suggest that you are indeed a negligent owner of a dog, and perhaps a grossly negligent one.

Now, I like dogs. When properly trained, dogs can be loyal, gentle and fun creatures. Their warmth, spirit and courage is admirable, and can be a lesson to most humans.

There is a reason that the canine is considered man’s best friend, and man wouldn’t befriend a psychotic beast bent on destruction. And yet, many of you choose to raise — or, to better word it, neglect — your dogs and their well-being to become hellacious demon-spawns of Cerebus and Joseph Stalin.

For example, I present Evidence A:

This is a dog leash. Look familiar? Maybe not. Weird how that works.

The funny thing about dog leashes is that they many things that are funny about them. They are not that expensive; you can get a cheap one for $0.50 online and nearly as inexpensive in stores. They can be found almost everywhere, from Wal-Mart to high-end pet boutiques. For the more discernible shopper, you can buy a leash that matches your own tastes and lifestyle, whether it is NASCAR, religion or sports team:

(Hey Jilly!)

And YET, for the low price, accessibility and customer-friendly designs, I am continually amazed at how many of you do NOT keep your dogs on a leash. Never mind that your dog could run out of your sight, smelling the sun-kissed air of freedom and a better life like my ancestors fleeing the cotton fields, breaking free of its slothful owners for eternity. That same dog, probably as much of a bastard as you, will be more likely to approach and possibly attack innocent humans who were in the wrong place and wrong time.

At best, they’ll merely be annoying pawed on with muddy feet, use your leg like a pervert uses a blow-up doll, or use your body as their personal toilet. At worst, they’ll sink their teeth into them like John Goodman into a live pig.

And you can apologize as much as you want when your dog attacks a stranger for the 500th time. It doesn’t help the argument that you can save embarrassment and potential fiscal troubles by clipping a $0.50 piece of metal and fibers onto your dog’s neck in a matter of seconds. Yeah, I know that you might miss a few seconds of Two and a Half Men, but it’ll be worth it when you don’t have to blame your dog’s actions on “just being excited.”

Or not. If not, can you smell a lawsuit? You smell the foul stench of dog poop, you say? That leads me to my next point:

Evidence B

Not too appetizing, eh? Yes, that comes out of your dog. Yes, it is your obligation to pick up and dispose of. No, it’s not funny when your dog sniffs or eats it.

A few things about dog feces: it spreads disease; unsuspecting animals and children can mistakenly digest it (and any child that would do that has a world of other problems); it smells like a Taco Bell bathroom after a bean burrito sale; it is aesthetically as pleasing as a hairy mole on a baby’s butt.

I can only guess that you people are generous beings, using your dogs as the beacons of your affection. My reasoning for this is the amount of dog crap that litters millions of front yards, parks, streets and convertible cars. In your tragically misguided thought process, these little love gifts may seem like a way of saying, “Hey, stranger! My dog and I LOVE your lawn!” But in the mind of said lawn owner, they are less than amused.

Oh, and you might be thinking, “If I let my dog piss and crap in my own house and yard, I’m doing the world a favor!” YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. See, people like to occasionally visit you and/or family. Someone might drop by to repair an appliance or roof. You might even want to sell your home one day. (Several years ago, when I was condo-shopping one of you assholes abandoned your dog at home, leaving it to crap and piss all over the place, as well as growl so as to not let anyone in.) All of those acts are made less appealing when your home and yard smell and look like Sasquatch got stomach flu. People can smell it, even if you are immune to it for some strange freak reason of science.

Seriously, carry a shopping bag and another one to pick up and dispose of your dog’s shit.

Speaking of crappy things, is there a reason why you people occasionally let your dogs run free with no supervision? I know that you get tired of letting your dogs run loose without leashes all day, crapping all over the neighborhood and pissing on babies. I get it; it’s a hard knock life.

I’ve run across numerous dogs over the years roaming the streets, befriending people and running into traffic. Hell, I even had a dog follow me on one of my walks and all the way to my front door. And all those times, I’ve wondered who owns these pets and why have they not been taken away from their jerk-chain owners sooner.

There is a reason why commercials like THESE exist, no matter how much they trigger a brain aneurysm or 12. It is because of inconsiderate imbeciles that do not properly take care of and discipline their dogs.

I’m sorry if you were offended by these words, and I know how difficult … no, scratch that. Owning a dog is like raising a child. If your offspring was mounting other kids, eating its droppings or biting mailmen, it would be taken away by DCFS faster than a virgin’s first sexual experience.

If you honestly want to be a dog owner, be prepared for the fact that you have to take care of it. If you can’t commit fully, let someone else do it that can. It is a living, breathing animal, and the consequences of your actions will reflect upon the dog and possibly the community. In other words, don’t let your dog run loose and shit all over the place, you LAZY ASSES.

All the best,

A concerned citizen


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