There are legends, there are myths and then there is Jason Statham.
The star of action franchises like The Transporter and Crank appears to be an invincible powerhouse of tenacity, brute strength and homoerotic machismo that could fuel 10 Top Gun movies. Most people know of him as an actor, former footballer and a man’s man. There is, however, more. Much more, in fact.
According to official records, Jason Statham was born in London, England in 1972 to human parents. However, he is much more than human. Researchers from Southwest Florida College in Fort Myers, Fla. recently unearthed ancient records that nullify British documentation. An Aug. 13 excavation in the Republic of Cameroon by the scholars, leading researchers in Statham Sciences (the only institution in the world to offer the major) produced the first-known records of modern human beings, with one simply known as Statham. His status, elevated above modern homo sapien, is homo stathian, or “very human.”
The mythos of Statham reaches far back, beyond what his 36 years suggests, for his true life spans time and space. His so-called movies are stark portrayals of his real-life experiences; purported Hollywood special effects and writing mistaken for the reality that surrounds him.
Excerpts from the researchers’ article in scholar journal, Variety Magazine, listed below, were translated from a form of communications derived from stick figures depicting violence and strong sexual content:
Excerpts from Book XIV (estimated to take place in 2013):
Kirk Cameron and (Jason) Statham team up to save the world from Satan. Cameron resorts to prayer, while Statham simply kicks his face in and stabs cigarettes out on his eyeballs. Then Statham breaks Cameron’s neck for being a pussy.
During the pivotal fight with Satan, Statham would then do a slow-motion flying kick into Cameron’s head, causing it to immediately explode and propel his body into Satan’s body, causing Satan to explode. Statham would then flash his smirky smile while having sex with three women on top of the remains of Satan and Cameron.
Then Statham becomes our God and re-writes the Ten Commandments so there’s only one: don’t be a pussy. World peace is rapidly achieved, and there is only violence in the world when Statham feels like fighting ninjas and robots for practice in case of alien invasion.
(Statham) rewrites the commandments by breaking a crying child in half, claiming it was “too muck of a daft pussy to live.”
Excerpts from Book XXII (estimated to take place in 2019):
Six years have passed, with the world enjoying prosperity unlike what it has ever witnessed. Peace remains until a terminator with Arnold Schwartzenegger comes from the future, challenging Statham to a fight for the survival of the world. Statham says, “Let’s Crank this up.”
Arnold starts to say “I’ll be ba…” but is interrupted by Statham kicking his head off. Peace reigns supreme once more. Statham then rewards the world by inviting everyone to watch him banging Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz at the Colosseum, using the U.S. Constitution as a condom.
While engaging in such lovemaking, he shouts out numerous phrases altered from the condom to have the essence of Statham, including “We the People of the United States of Statham, in Order to fuck a more perfect Union!” and “No hot-ass bitch shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of Staham-grade fuckability, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States of Statham, and who shall not, when erected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which she shall be fucked silly.”
Book XXIII (estimated to take place in 2024):
Statham travels to New York City, now known as Fuck City, and renames the United Nations the United Stathams, with only one member – himself. As head of the Security Council, he then passes a binding resolution declaring “Statham rocks” before blow-torching the building and roundhouse-kicking its smoldering remains into dust, thereby making the resolution impossible to be repealed.
Excerpts from Book XXVI (estimated to take place in 2026):
Statham brings his influence to Washington D.C., taking over the Legislative, Executive and Judicial branches by punching every single person in government once, causing simultaneous explosions. He then names the branches Statham, Statham and Statham, names Washington D.C. into Statham, District of Cock-Knocking and reforms the Washington Monument into the shape of his penis (adding material to it, of course).
He also simplifies the lyrics of the national anthem by replacing every couplet with “STATHAM! STATHAM!”, with the music simply being the main riff of “Master of Puppets” over and over again. The inaugural airing of the new anthem is played at the Lincoln Memorial, now renamed the Statham is Awesomeial (and the monument itself is now a statue of Statham fucking Megan Fox from behind), with AC/DC, Slayer and Queens of the Stone Age providing the musical backing while Statham yells the lyrics while greased-up and naked.
The footage is aired on every television station on Earth, now simply renamed Statham after Statham took over the U.N., annihilated Osama bin Laden by driving his Audi (from Transporter 3) headfirst into the Afghanistan mountains and fucked Kim-Jong Il in a non-gay expression of power until North Korea exploded in awesomeness. As Statham delivers the State of Statham, he points at the camera to accentuate every point, using quotes from his movies (“You know my fourth rule? Never make a promise you can’t keep,” “Who’s got my fucking strawberry tart?” and “You pair of sausage nigels! How do you sleep at night?”)
Excerpts from Book XXXII (estimated to take place in 2092):
The planet of Statham enters the most prosperous of times in its history. Interstellar threats are thwarted with Statham pointing his penis at the sky and yelling “Massive homo cunt!” He celebrates these many victories by fucking a Maxim hologram magazine movie star/celebrity from the Hot 100 list while the reunited androids of classic rock band System of the Down plays live in the background — one day hoping for their freedom, which may happen when Gabriel Yulaw (depicted in the sci-fi documentary The One by color talkie-film action star Jet Li) beams into the Statham is Awesomeial.