With the baffling news recently that a new “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie, “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Road Chip”, the pun-tastic film series managed to outdo itself in the most baffling, lazy way possible. (“Road Chip”? C’mon.) It’s hard to top subtitles like “The Squeakquel” and “Chipwrecked” in sheer carelessness, but I expected more. I… Read More 16 Titles for Alvin and the Chipmunks Sequels
(I’m trying to BuzzFeed this shit.) As I write this, it is January 4, and millions of New Year’s resolutions have already been broken. People made lofty commitments for the new year in their haste to better themselves, and they abandoned them faster than Netflix and their streaming movie selection. In the past, I’ve done resolutions… Read More 4 Things I Hope For in 2014
Pretend to be a fictional wizard while marinating in filth and loneliness!
THE INTERNET–Millions of uninspired internet users took to social media Thursday to comment on the news that actor/director Ben Affleck was cast as Batman in the sequel to the superhero movie Man of Steel. The tiresome troglodytes hammered out repetitious attempts at humor–most likely with their knuckles–in an effort to prove once more that idiots… Read More BREAKING: Millions Make Mundane Ben Affleck Jokes
If you have any sort of social circle, you’ve probably heard some variation of the titular question screech incredulously from someone’s dumb lips, dumbfounded by the fact that you haven’t experienced the same media they have. And it annoys me anytime someone says it to me or within my vicinity. Pop culture is filled with… Read More “You Haven’t Seen/Heard/Read/Played [BLANK]?!”
WASHINGTON–In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court denied the citizens of the United States of America’s appeal to not be considered blockheads. The decision upholds the Defense Under Master Blockhead Statute, reaffirming Americans’ status as reigning jackasses of the inexplicably most powerful country in the world. DUMBS defines a blockhead as an utterly foolish or… Read More Supreme Court Rules that Americans are “Idiots”
If I’ve learned one thing from the critically-acclaimed TV show Mad Men, it’s that white folks be trippin’. If I’ve learned another thing from the show, it’s that advertising is about evoking emotion. In the past few years, Kraft Foods Group seems to be concerned with keeping their salad dressing/mayonnaise-fearing product Miracle Whip on the… Read More Don’t Be So Miracle Whip