2012: The Year in Dick Moves

With another year almost in the books, it is time to engage in the annual tradition of yearly lists. And unlike the “best-ofs” that litter websites like so many porn and cat pictures (and the unfortunate hybrid porn-cat pictures), it’s time to celebrate the year in superdickery. In the spirit of Bob Seger’s non-documented penchant for bogarting his bassist’s weed, we’re working on the dick moves.

January 1

A 7.0 magnitude earthquake strikes Japan. Mother Nature is just getting warmed up in her dickishness.

January 18

Francesco Schettino, the captain of Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia, crashes the luxo barge, killing 11 people as it capsized. The accident makes comedian Carlos Mencia (briefly) reconsider his Asians-are-bad-drivers stereotype.

Francesco Schettino, most likely a cousin of “The Situation.”

February 2

The groundhog takes its sweet-ass time in fulfilling the expectations of millions of superstitious dickheads by poking its dumb-nuts body out of a stupid hole. What a fucking dick.

February 11

Your annoying Facebook friends suddenly remember how much they love Whitney Houston.

February 18

ESPN (“The Worldwide Leader in Sports”) is reminded that Asians don’t like being called “chinks.” Carlos Mencia is perplexed.

February 26

Sanford, Florida teenager Trayvon Martin is shot and killed by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch captain, cementing Florida’s reputation as the nation’s worst place to exist.

March 2

An outbreak of tornadoes hit the Midwestern United States. Mother Nature: SUPERDICK.

March 15

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich surrenders at a Colorado prison, starting his 14-year prison term for 18 corruption charges and 12 demerits for his helmet hair.

That hair can’t be real.

March 21

NFL Commissioner Roger “Brass Ones” Goodell suspends New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton for a year for his role in the Saints’ bounty program. Other Saints organization members face suspensions. No one, sadly, is charged for the wholesale co-opting of “Who Dat?”

April 5

Sky News admits hacking emails on two occasions, outing evidence that Rupert Murdoch and his son James are jerks.

April 20

Disney Studios head Rich Ross steps down from chairman role–partly due to the colossal bomb John Carter, and mostly because he awoke from the blackout that led to greenlighting The Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp as Tonto.

May 2

J.T. Ready, an Arizona neo-Nazi and former Pinal County Sheriff candidate, kills four people before committing suicide. He is the first reported Arizona citizen to not like Mexicans.

June 1

The gonorrhea rate in England skyrockets 25 percent in one year, confusing health experts as to the disease’s resistance and the attractiveness of British people having sex.

June 21

The NBA’s Miami Heat wins the NBA championship, beating the Oklahoma City Thunder in five games. Finals MVP LeBron James is empowered to be an even bigger dick.

June 28

NBC’s Today co-anchor Ann Curry hosts her last show, the result of her ouster rumored to be engineered by co-anchor Matt Lauer. Lauer’s years of obsessively watching Mean Girls finally paid off.

July 15

The Syrian uprising is now considered a civil war by the Red Cross. Did you know that there’s a war going on there? Why isn’t Matt Lauer talking about this?!?!?

August 12

United States presidential candidate Mitt Romney picks U.S. Representative Paul Ryan of Wisconsin as his  running mate, confounding pundits that were unaware a whiter man than Romney existed.

“YOU don’t know that I’m not the world’s greatest lover!”

September 12

The fifth iteration of those damn iPhones came out.

October 22

Seven-time Tour de France cycling champion Lance Armstrong is stripped of his victories by the International Cycling Union, proving that he is one of Sheryl Crow’s least-favorite mistakes.

October 24

Hurricane Sandy makes landfall near Jamaica, going on to devastate the country before moving on to the Eastern United States and rack up billions of dollars in damage–including loss of lives, power and resources.

Mother Nature: she’s SUPERDICKY (yow).

November 6

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney cancels campaign workers’ credit cards hours after Barack Obama wins re-election for president of the United States. Romney’s business programming overrides his empathy chip.

November 20

Veteran puppeteer Kevin Clash, the voice and personality of Sesame Street‘s Elmo, resigns after a second accuser comes forward with underage sexual allegations. This gives millions of assholes reason to make poor “Tickle Me Elmo” jokes.

November 21

U.S. Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. resigns, citing health problems and pending a federal probe into his role in Rod Blagojevich’s selling of the Illinois senate seat. Like father, like son!

November 25

R&B singer Chris Brown deletes his Twitter social media account after threatening to kill and defecate on a combative female comedian. Brown’s fans are shocked to learn that the “Deuces” artist is not a cuddly tickle-monster shortly before they go into denial.

December 4

The world’s oldest person, Besse Cooper, dies at the age of 116, taking to the grave her secret formula to her Longevity Juice.

December 21

The world ends, not with fire and brimstone but by a barrage of D-cell batteries. God, with his surprisingly dark sense of humor, is a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

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